Forever

I thought I’d give fiction a try. This is just an idea I had and love for some feedback. Story done by me- and as always, I hope you enjoy.

I looked up at his face. Hard, rugged yet beautiful. His face was soft, his jawline strong and his eyes deep. He had this expression on his face like nothing needed to be said, it was almost like a smile with every part of his body.
He was looking at our hands, palm in palm, our fingers were intwined and his thumb was stroking the ring. 
He saw my eyes flutter open, which made the ends of his lips turn up while looking straight into my eyes. He said one word, the singular word.
It was amazing how that one word had so much reassurance, so much love but at the same time held so many lies.
“Forever”.
That is when everything around me disintegrated, turning into ash.

It wasn’t a nightmare nor a dream. I didn’t wake up gasping for breath, this time, neither did I wake up in a pool of sweat.
This was just a distant memory that I didn’t want to forget. However, it was too painful to remember. Then I remembered a flash, a white hot burst. There was shouting then an arm grabbed me.

When I woke I saw it, the words scrawled on the wall- “nothing lasts forever”. I wasn’t at home, actually in a way I was. I lay  on my old bed in my own room, the one I spent my teenage years on. I remember the tears I cried in the pillow, the smiles I experienced whilst laying on the mattress. There were bad times and good but despite all this, I was happy to get away from it. Not that it was bad, I was just excited with my new life.
Laying on the old bed filled with disappointment. I wanted to be on our bed, laying there with him like nothing mattered but instead I was by myself on a single bed. I stroked my hand looking for the ring but it wasn’t there.

I just sobbed into my pillow like I used to when I was younger. Except it wasn’t anything like those times, because through the confusion and heartache I still had the future to look forward to. Now there was nothing.
I remember when I used to cry I could hear the most mundane things and they would become so comforting. The kettle whistling, the phone ringing or the television playing in the background. It was an odd comfort. Only silence existed now. 
Another flash abruptly came back to me, his face over the colourless surrounding. Ther was still some hope I felt. I remember him coming closer to me but for this reason, he was now further away then ever.

I was just there. Waiting for someone to come, anyone.
I waited for a good few hours, I don’t know what time I woke up but at 10.02 my mum walked in. She was holding a tray. “Hey, honey,” she started. “Breakfast” she said as she put down the tray in front of me. “How you doing?”
I just shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t know what to say or know how to feel.
“Do you still see him?” She asked but just that was enough for me to breakdown. She hugged me but the hard silence just returned.
I fell asleep in her arms but when I woke up she was gone. She always came in to check on me and I loved her for it. She didn’t know what to do but still tried even dad came in to see me. We didn’t talk about because he knew he couldn’t instead he sat there and told me about his day, just little stories.

I scanned the room and saw a figure in the corner of my room saw him. I could spot him right away.
He had the same look in his eyes and his face was soft. He walked over to me and stroked my hair pushing it away from face. “I didn’t want to wake you,” he said. “You just looked so peaceful. I don’t think I told you this before but I love the way you look when you sleep. So at peace, expressionless. It’s just the time when you look the most beautiful”.

He held my gaze and I simply nodded. There was so much I had to say but I couldn’t. Tears formed in my eyes and I couldn’t even fight them back.
He smiled, like he understood but this just made me angry. He didn’t understand. He couldn’t.
“You know I’ve really missed you”.
I haven’t spoken since the last time i saw him but I managed to squeak out, “nothing lasts forever”. He just smiled. I was so angry that I didn’t realise that he started stroking my stomach. “Come on babe, we’re in this together, all of us”.
I said, “I love you despite everything”.
“I love you too, never forget that,” he said, whilst leaning in closer to me.

Not even my delusions were good. That’s a happy thought but what happened before me was different. 

I saw a figure and he walked out. Nothing. No smile or reassurance. He walked over- limp and lifeless. I sat up and hugged my knees, putting my head down. I felt his hand graze my back and when I looked up I realised that even his eyes were different, they were empty. He looked like a completely different person, no longer mine. “Everything has changed you know that?”
Was that supposed to be my reassurance. I didn’t feel sad, instead rage washed over me.
“That’s all you can say? After everything you have done to me. You wanna remind me of every other shit thing happening in my life? Because you don’t have to, I know. I don’t forget but don’t you dare remind me.”
He was no longer expressionless actually he looked hurt. I still loved him and this made me feel even worse.
“Babe, I know you’re upset. I want you to have everything even without me.” This made my eyes sting whilst my vision blurred. I just jumped on him and hugged him.
“I want you to stay”, I cried in his ear, “why do you have to leave again?”
“You know why,” he said, holding me closer to him. “But at least you would always have a part of me with you,” he placed his hand on my stomach.
I cried harder. “No I don’t. I don’t even have you anymore and it’s gone. I didn’t even know the sex, it was nameless. I have nothing. That’s what you left me with”.
“You need to know that if I had a choice I would never leave. I wanna stay with you forever”.
“But that’s just it- nothing lasts forever.”
“You have to know I didn’t leave you. I was taken.”
“Whatever. Just go back.”
I then got another flash- the rest of it. It was just white then the colour started to come back. The flames got bigger and closer, I felt beads of sweat down my forehead. Then I saw him. His hand grabbed me and pulled away from everything- and away from him.
He didn’t leave me but he was still gone. Because of me.
It’s like he could read my mind because at that moment he said “I love you, you know that right?”
I nodded, “I love you too. So much. I’m so sorry”. I was so sick of it- crying but I still did. I cried uncontrollably.
“There’s no need to be. I saved you so you could live your life. That’s really what I want you to do.”
“I can’t live- not without you”.
There was a pause, it was the dark silence again. I wanted to say everything- how much I hated him for doing it. But how much I loved him for it. I didn’t know what to think. A million thoughts surrounded me, wrapped around me like a shell, the shell I have lived in since that day. I had to let it go- just stop.

I almost forget he was there. “Babe, tell me what you’re thinking”.
“Nothing”, I said honestly, “I’m done”.
“I want you to come, but that’s just selfish”.
“I want to come with you”.
“You gotta know what you’re doing. Remember babe I’m-“. I wouldn’t even listen to the last word.
I knew, nothing could change my mind. So he took my hand and pulled me away from this. I left the pain, despair and sadness but I also everything I loved the emotions that made me feel I deserved it, the things that made it worthwhile, I left my parents and loved ones. That was it, no goodbyes just us getting swallowed by the darkness together. Just like that- gone. Forever.

That was the night she died. At 23.58. No one knows what happened, she didn’t commit suicide as far as the police know. No drugs were found in her system.
It’s almost like she died of grief and accepted it.
“Dead” that was the last word he used before it happened and she still accepted it. That was it.

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Misfits?

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
β€” Apple Inc.

It’s a really weird thing to think about- fitting in. To be honest I don’t think I fit in, if you don’t do what other people do then they don’t except you. Simple. But honestly I couldn’t care less. I guess I’m writing this for the people who feel like crap because of this because honestly a few years ago I felt like a freak because I felt I didn’t fit it. I think I would have loved to read someone writing that it doesn’t matter.

I’m not a loner, I have friends- amazing friends. I’m glad that I don’t fit in with everyone else because then I would have lost myself. My friends accepted me for me and I love them for it. It feels so much better to be loved for yourself rather than what people want you to be.
If I wanted to fit in with the other people then I would have been everything I hate. Seeing the people that others would love to be really makes me wonder- what is so great about them? I guess in school it’s the thrill of being popular that people strive for.

Movies, society and the media make you feel like its everything I fit in but the way it’s portrayed is inaccurate. There are the nerds, the geeks, the sluts, the fakes and the jocks- and that’s it no in between or individuality. Just these labels your stuck with and that’s it.
No. You are your own person and you are so much better then these cliques and labels and don’t ever change. It’s almost like a puzzle, you lose a few pieces and it takes a while to get it but when your finished its a relief. High school is like a big pathetic puzzle.

Even in my family my parents call me the “black sheep” because they are all so much different from me. I’m not like them- they find it weird that I enjoy reading. I honestly don’t mind, I like being me.

I don’t fit in with these people, a lot of people won’t. You can change your hair, your name and reputation but honestly is it worth it?
If you don’t fit in with these people it’s not to say you don’t fit in anywhere. But honestly I don’t get the amazement with fitting in because it just means your like everyone else. I’d rather be my own person and never be sorry or regret it.

I think everyone belongs somewhere and I think you owe it to yourself to find out where. Or maybe you would just find a group of misfits or “freaks”.

Thanks for reading πŸ˜€

Ordinary people

β€œWe delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
― Maya Angelou

I don’t believe that there are ordinary people because everyone can achieve greatness. I don’t believe in normal because no one is the same. If you truly believe someone is ordinary then you just don’t know them well enough. People may see me as ordinary, because I’m not pretty or popular- I’m just me. I’m quiet but trust me when you get to know me I’m so much weirder than you could imagine.

I don’t believe ordinary exists but extraordinary does. You may not see extraordinary everyday but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, because its there- it is silent and beautiful. The people you see everyday could have the most extraordinary personality, the biggest problems and most amazing dreams and memories to go. Problems is what makes extraordinary come true, if there were no problems then they would have nothing to arise from, nothing to learn from or to live from.

I know strong people, they have endured so much in life but still can wake up everyday and can still have a great day. These people are those who inspire me not those who turn up in the magazines or are considered heroes by the smallest most irrelevant things. People go through so much hardship, battle so much but leave all the crap and are still great. This is what I aspire to and these are the traits I would like when I’m older; strength, courage, dignity.
For those who did endure such pain probably didn’t get everything they wanted or asked for. The people who were there with you may not have been the right people- not the ones who you imagined. But are these really the wrong people?
My answer is no. People won’t always be with you but whoever wasn’t there with you didn’t deserve to be and those who were they are the right people. They are the ones who stayed when things got bad and stayed despite the flaws, these are the people that should be held onto. And in there own way they are extraordinary.

Thank you for reading πŸ™‚

Is it really worth it?

β€œHold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird,
That cannot fly.”
― Langston Hughes

All my life I’ve been told to do stuff, been fed information. Everything right now seems quite futile. Do homework, go school, eat, sleep and wake up to do the exact same thing. It’s like I’m getting bossed around an told off by teachers, telling me to do stuff and I think don’t worry this will change in uni. In uni I would get more independent but there will still be something controlling me; deadlines, exams, stress. Then you go off to work just to get bossed around again. When I think about it like this I think what’s the point, is it really worth it?

I’m not going to be those moody teens who complain that nobody loves me and my life sucks.
What I’m trying to say is in between all this it’s so easy to give up but in the end it will be worth it. The pain is temporary but if we quit then that will last forever.
In school you make these amazing memories with friends and nothing else will matter, not even those few demeaning teachers (and trust me it will only be a few the rest will be good, and you will like them and if not that you would easily put up with them).
In uni you do get your independence and it depends on you, if you keep on top of things and manage it you would have a few good years.
In adulthood you get to start everything, start your life, get married- whatever and if you never made your dreams a reality, it’s never too late or it doesn’t matter anymore because there are new ones.

Also in between everything that happens you have to remember that there are people who are supporting you. I know I would always have my family backing me. For some people they may not have that but there is always someone that believes in you whether it be your friends, spouse or even a stranger.

Books

β€œBooks are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers.”
― Charles William Eliot

I’m a bookworm. I always need a book to read. I’m not the girl who always has her head in a book sitting at the back of class but reading does define people. And it has impacted me hugely.
A few years ago if you asked if I would want to become a writer I would say no-straight away. But now it’s what I would love to do but I don’t think I can do it as a career. To be honest I have no idea what career I would love to do. It’s a passion but you guys obviously know that it isn’t easy to break into.

Yes, I’m a nerd I always have a book on me. I love reading any type of book, except vampires and werewolves. I grew out of that ages ago.
Now I prefer to read the books with people with real problems. They’re described as depressing and my friends often call me “emo” or “goth” (it doesn’t help that I have dark hair and light skin). I think people don’t understand “real life”, my friend says that she doesn’t read these books because they are too sad and she reads to get away from problems. People are really oblivious to things happening around them.

β€œOnly bad books have good endings.
If a book is any good, it’s ending is always bad – because you don’t want the book to end.” I agree with this quote because there has to be a purpose there would be no point of anything of things stayed the same. It’s the same in life, learning from mistakes and changing or adapting.

Thank you for reading.

Labels

“Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people.”
― Martina Navratilova

It’s amazing, words. One word has so much power. Words have the power to hurt sometimes even kill. Who was the person who said sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me? And seriously what was he/she smoking?
They affect everyone, people are branded like cattle because of these words. Ugly, stupid, bitch- everyone’s been called it and most of the time for no particular reason.

I honestly don’t believe in labelling people because I know what it feels like.
Labels, stereotypes, whatever you call them. It changes people after a while they it into these stereotypes and turn into these labels because they start to believe it. I’m not saying words are wrong but they can be used in a negative way.

Im a realist and I know that these labels will never stop but honestly don’t pay attention to them. I know it’s not easy especially if your in school because this is where they are most used. People can be vicious and if we forget about the people that bring us down then we can do whatever we want. I’m not saying its easy to but its worth a shot. If I was still scared about what people may say then I wouldn’t be writing this- I’m done being afraid.

Thanks for reading πŸ˜€

Fairy tales

“I know she’s shy. I know she doesn’t have very many friends. I just want her to be strong, you know? To be able to face the world for what it is. That’s why I don’t encourage the fairy tales. I don’t want to set her up to believe in this ‘dreams come true’ nonsense.”-Robert

Those things in which we hoped for in life only to realise in pure disappointment that they didn’t exist. I think that fairy tales are great but it’s almost like people are setting you up for disappointment. Personally I don’t believe in fairy tales. I believe in “once upon a time”s but not “they lived happily ever after”s because they simply don’t exist. They’re a great story but that’s all they’re stories.

I have a story to share which inspired me to write this.
“Once upon a time there lived a lady who did everything right she was nice, sweet, respectful and just great. Still people took advantage of her good nature and walked all over her.
Several years later just as she got her enemies to turn into allies she realised that she couldn’t have kids but never did she get knocked down so she got a baby not hers but she loved this baby. She was a devoted mother and just as she gained happiness she got bad news.
She was ill, this was a roller coaster ride and just when everything looked like it was going to be okay, it wasn’t.
Nothing worked and her last couple of weeks she couldn’t even say goodbye to her beautiful child because she couldn’t talk. She couldn’t give her child a hug because she was able to move. No closure no nothing just that. No happily ever after just that.”

I don’t believe that Prince Charming will whisk a girl off in her time of need because he’s just a spoilt brat too busy fixing his hair. Nor do I think that a knight in shining armour will come and ride a girl off in the sunset. I believe that good people deserve this happily ever after but it doesn’t happen. Sure they’ll be some stories that restore your faith in these tales but they are short lived. It’s a cynical view but I’m not going to wait in a tower for someone to rescue me from this.

Thanks for reading πŸ™‚

Endings

β€œEnds are not bad things, they just mean that something else is about to begin. And there are many things that don’t really end, anyway, they just begin again in a new way. Ends are not bad and many ends aren’t really an ending; some things are never-ending.”
― C. JoyBell C.

In my previous blog I wrote about beginnings, I felt that it was fitting to also talk about endings . Endings are never great even if it may be better, people don’t want it because we simply don’t like change.
Coming to terms with endings are never easy too. It’s like saying goodbye to part of your life, to a part of yourself. People can say that they’ll be perfectly content with memories but we can’t live on memories we need to be reminded of it. We need to see these people we have these great memories with.
You walk into a whole new life and the people you love will drift too, but from this it’s about new experiences and meeting new people.

Endings are closure, from the good or the bad. From endings come goodbyes and we forget about the memories and just wonder, what happened? Why can’t things be like this again? From these questions come regrets in which we have to live with. I think the best thing you can do is face up to the problems instead of having to live with them all your life.

I think this builds character and makes you a better person, it shows how you deal with a situations and clichΓ© as it is, how you adapt because in your life you would have experienced this. You need to leave your old experiences and memories in order to create new ones.

Thank you for reading.

Beginnings

β€œNo, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!”
― C. JoyBell C.

People may have a story to share or a heart wrenching tale which gets them to blog. Well for me I guess it’s just something I’ve wanted to for a while, the idea of something being yours and where you can share anything. But the idea of putting yourself out there is kind of daunting. To be honest I had to build up a lot of nerve to do this. I guess I was just afraid. Of what? Your guess is as good as mine.
Seeing as this is the first blog I wanted to talk about beginnings. I’m not going to lie, but they suck. Simply because something had to end for a new beginning, and at times they’re not always better its about making the best of it.
For me I hate beginnings, it’s starting over. New people, new experiences, new everything, essentially a new life. Sometimes things can change for the better but other times this is not the case.

I wrote this blog because its always something I’ve wanted to do but something held me back. Maybe I was scared of what other people may think or say but I’m tired of being scared. I always considered myself quite a shy, reserved person but I don’t wanna be that all my life. I’m not saying I’ll change right away or change completely because I don’t want that. I guess out with the negative qualities and thoughts and soak up the good and i know it wont happen right away but its a start.