Today Was A Fucking Weird Day

So I felt like absolute shit in the morning and me being stupid and not wanting to speak about it with anyone. Just ignored it. Just before I left my house after feeling absolutely awful, I forced myself to text one of my best friends something hella cryptic. 

It was like, with no hello or any greeting just said, “is it okay if i vent to you about something even if you think its stupid?” Fully knowing she was asleep but it had to be her. 

I went to work where I felt surprisingly okay. Like I felt fine, not anxious or panicky. Eventually when I took a five minute break, I just started breathing really heavily and went to the bathroom. I saw my friends reply too. I thought I was fine so was reluctant to tell her about my brief weak moment. She persisted so I told her how I feel really sad and just wanna cry. The fact I don’t feel like myself. 

I only wanted to text her but said that I’d call her after work because she had something to tell me too. 

When we spoke she told me it was bigger than I thought and that her thing seemed so insignificant in comparison. She wants me to see someone. She told me to speak to my mum. She told me to ask our other best friend. She made me not feel like I was being dumb.

I did get home and had this whole family thing. My cousin was around along with my mum, dad and brother. So we had to do some moving and then when that happened, it was me and my mum. I felt awkward like I should ask her what depression feels like, so I don’t need to ask the internet. So once again today, because I knew I wouldnt get this opportunity again, simply asked, “mum what did depression feel like?”

She asked me, without knowing what my reaction would be, “why do you think you have it?” 

And thats when it happened. I cried so much. Like everything I held back just came out and in front of someone I really do not want to stress. Even those posts about me crying not once did I allow myself to do so. The last time I genuinely cried was when 7 years ago when my grandad died. So I was like a baby in my mums arms. She just spoke to me. But I couldn’t say why I felt like this or anything. She couldn’t pinpoint it just like me. She got my brother and once again I started crying. And, boy, I have never seen my brother so concerned. They are all confused. 

My dad then called and then I cried so much over the phone. And he knows I’m not this kind of person. 

My mum wants me to speak to her whenever I feel bad. She wants me to call a helpline if I can’t.

But it is getting to easy to cry.

Why do I feel so bad with such loving people around me? 

I Wanna Cry For No Reason 

‚ÄčI just wanna go home and cry. Put on the saddest maybe even angriest songs I can possibly find and just cry. 
Possible candidates:
I Never Cry by Alice Cooper
Bury by Pay Money To My Pain
Tell Me Why by the Penpals
Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance
Dead Memories by Slipknot
What A Catch, Donnie by Fall Out Boy
When I See Your Smile by Bad English

Any other recommendations?

Burning Questions I Can’t Answer For Myself

When is it that laughing stopped being so easy. So genuine. 

When did hanging out with friends become something hard to do. 

When did being happy become a chore. 

Its just getting harder. I don’t know why. I hate myself. My friends probably hate me. I’ve been so short with them lately, I can’t help the fact that everything pisses me off. They don’t know that sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be there, I provide no use. 

Why do all the things I love to do just mean so little to me? Not like a comparison to the universe being insignificant. But insignificant to me. 

Even small things like replying back to texts have become extremely difficult. I’m always tired. I fall asleep at 8 and awake in the middle of the night not able to sleep. Its never been a problem. Not for me at least. I detest the taste and smell of coffee so that’s really not an option. Even when I sleep, it used to be soundless. A little too soundless to be quite honest. It used to really freak me out how I could never recall my dreams but now the little I do remember are nightmares. It’s sick because I just find them amusing afterwards. 

What does it mean to look at your life as an observer? The idea that you can no longer see what you used to. 

What is it when you have only cried about trivial things such as tv shows and movies for years. The last time i cried for something that affected me was probably when I was 13. But now as i lay down I have found tears running down my face for no reason. What does it mean if I wanna cry right now. 

The only place that seems the same, maybe even better than before is the thought of going home and collapsing in bed. 

Its ironic how i feel so dead but continue to listen to anthrax im alive.

I don’t want to be around anyone right now but im feeling something I’ve never felt before. Loneliness. 

This post was a mess.