When is it that laughing stopped being so easy. So genuine.
When did hanging out with friends become something hard to do.
When did being happy become a chore.
Its just getting harder. I don’t know why. I hate myself. My friends probably hate me. I’ve been so short with them lately, I can’t help the fact that everything pisses me off. They don’t know that sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be there, I provide no use.
Why do all the things I love to do just mean so little to me? Not like a comparison to the universe being insignificant. But insignificant to me.
Even small things like replying back to texts have become extremely difficult. I’m always tired. I fall asleep at 8 and awake in the middle of the night not able to sleep. Its never been a problem. Not for me at least. I detest the taste and smell of coffee so that’s really not an option. Even when I sleep, it used to be soundless. A little too soundless to be quite honest. It used to really freak me out how I could never recall my dreams but now the little I do remember are nightmares. It’s sick because I just find them amusing afterwards.
What does it mean to look at your life as an observer? The idea that you can no longer see what you used to.
What is it when you have only cried about trivial things such as tv shows and movies for years. The last time i cried for something that affected me was probably when I was 13. But now as i lay down I have found tears running down my face for no reason. What does it mean if I wanna cry right now.
The only place that seems the same, maybe even better than before is the thought of going home and collapsing in bed.
Its ironic how i feel so dead but continue to listen to anthrax im alive.
I don’t want to be around anyone right now but im feeling something I’ve never felt before. Loneliness.
This post was a mess.