Waking Up From A Nightmare

The long exasperated gasp from air,

Followed by the hyperventilating,

The moisture from your forehead and on the side of your eye a singular tear,

As you burrow further into the sheets the flood from your eyes are just beginning,

The lines between reality and fiction are blurred before the first light,

The nightmares may not be real,

But the tears, sweat, fear all cloud your sight,

And the fear is the truest existence you feel.

So in the end you wipe your eyes,

And whatever is coming from your nose,

Just to lay back waiting for sunrise,

Remembering why you no longer wish for dreams.

An Excerpt From Something I’ll Never Finish 

What has been written is what I found today in one of my notebooks for a character I created, who you will clearly see is very cynical and kind of mean. This must be at least 4 years old. 

It’s simple really. There is no real reason as to why I am who I am. No one has done me any real wrong. There aren’t any traumatic experiences on system for me either.

The real experiences occur everyday, the traumatic experience I talk of is life itself. How people are conquered, humans are fragile and stupid. I guess this is what makes me cynical because there is no reason to be happy. Happiness is just an illusion. Any person, any character in a book or any being in a movie will without fail wish for happiness and wish they could see a beauty in the world. They would gladly revoke everything they believe in and betray themselves for this illusion. Then, this is called a happily ever after.

Already In A Better Place This Year

This is NOT a New Years post. I have zero resolutions and goals right now. This is a birthday post. Today I turned 22. 

People say that 21 is the age to be and for them it may be but last year I wasn’t in a good place. Looking bad at my posts it seems my slump last longer than I previously believed. I was just in a mood for about half a year where I just felt sad for no reason at all. Like one day I could be perfectly fine pretending to be interesting then 3 seconds later feel like I will burst out in tears. 

I had a lot of downs and then it got to a point where I had no emotions whatsoever. I cried more than I ever have in my life in that period of time. 

Honestly, I really hated myself for feeling like that. Not just feeling sad but helpless. Like I would walk home at night and cry. Then I would quickly wipe my eyes making sure no one would realise I was crying before I entered the house. I can’t pinpoint where it started or even where it ended but writing this kinda makes me feel how I felt then. But I feel fine, I feel like I’ve grown. 

I remember the tears, and how small I once felt. I even remember sometimes when people would talk around me and I would have those out of body experiences where I could actually see life pass by around me and again I felt helpless. I remember the anger. 

And right now I’m feeling good. Like honestly my life right now is not what I want it to be but I feel positive about the future. My mood can easily be put down because life wasn’t easy like I wanted or because I think I’m a shit person.

Last year on my birthday I had plans and things to do like survive university. Things which should make me happy and hopeful. Going out with friends and having a good time. This year I stayed out home watched sitcoms, exercised (Side note: I exercised 3 out of the 4 days of this year, hopefully I can implement this into my life) and just relaxed. When I felt down, people would tell me not to be alone or that having nothing to do puts you down. I can’t control my life but I sure as hell can control how I feel. My being alone didn’t make me feel sad, last year company would distract me from me sometimes but I would get anxious and sad and get the out of body experience would persist but I would have pretend to be normal. I like being alone sometimes (well a lot). But I’m hanging out with friends and family all weekend. And I’m excited. 

Happy New Year and enjoy all the birthdays to come 🙂