I’m trying to dash a little positivity and self love on my blog (and life) instead of it being littered with cynicism and self deprication, which has been on it for years. So for the usual self pitying posts and sad thoughts read anything else on my blog except this one post. I will still be as cynical as ever but I can put it on hold for one post.
In theory, 2018 should be a hard year for me. Someone like me who is a little bit of a loose cannon emotionally, this should have been a toughie. It was like starting from zero. I graduated in 2017 and had failed to secure a job in the new year and continued a job where people severely annoy me (not the workers, they alright but never underestimate the stupidity of the general public).
I work part time with so much time in between, whilst all my friends are either working full time or are still studying. While I have all this free time by myself, I should feel alone or I should feel empty. Especially when all my life I have been busy Monday to Saturday. It was easy to feel sad.
But for once I haven’t. Where I could feel sad and procrastinate and ignore my choices in life. This was truly the time for self reflection to which I still procrastinated. But guilt-free procrastination with no consequences, I didn’t know such a life existed.
Not too many people get to know themselves, understand what they want; instead life is thrust toward them without a breather. I still don’t know what I want but I’m closer.
I had no need to procrastinate so my creativity depleted in a very negative way. I learnt I do my best work when I really should not. But when in my life will I ever get this opportunity to do whatever I want? Wake up, write, do whatever, whenever. This was it. It was a new start.
I did apply for a lot of jobs with no outcome, just plenty of rejections. I have to admit I didn’t write or draw as much as I want because I was simply so uninspired but I didn’t just stay in bed and watch shows I don’t really care about.
Finally after many months of wihtholding exercise, it was time. Self improvement had to begin so self loathing could stop. No more self deprication, well only for humour purposes. Purely because I had so much time I didnt know what to do with, I started to exercise whenever I could, forcing myself to do it even when I didn’t want to. Eventually it became part of my schedule. And months on, I have never felt better. I have never been completely happy with my body, my stomach never be flat enough, my arms too much area of the bat wings, not having a singular chin. I lost a few kilos (not nearly as much as I wanted to) and felt good. The weight stopped being a problem, I didn’t have the need to contantly weigh myself because I was feeling good. I fit better in clothes, I fit into clothes which I couldn’t squeeze into for years. I couldn’t see too much of the impact but literally everyone else could. Regardless, I was getting more comfortable with my body even if I couldn’t see the results like everyone else. Then it happened, I was exercising one day. and I felt- MUSCLES. Like muscles I’ve never had before. It didnt matter that the weight was coming back because I liked how my body was turning out. Like I am a long way from my ideal and even though I am exercising, my diet needs to follow.
I was doing a good job keeping myself happy and healthy. I wasn’t feeling down or depressed. I genuinely felt good. It was like those years I spent feeling like shit were so distant. When, in reality, they really weren’t. The feeling of sadness seemed so strange to me, like even if I wasn’t happy, being sad was always automatically followed but now it was contentment and just living. With that mindset things felt like they were falling into place. I was getting somewhere on the job front too. I was getting some interviews and assessment centres and then eventually I got a job offer. An actual good job in engineering.
(Also why is it when I got a job more offers were coming through. Too little too late bud.)
That is pretty much my life right now. It hasn’t been too crazy or eventful. But its been good. I needed it.