Conformity’s A Bitch

I never used to be like this
I used to have dreams
My own pathetic bliss
I used to laugh

I wasn’t their perfect little thing
I didn’t wait for someone to save me
Because never did I need saving
I was me

I always was fair
I wore and spoke how I pleased
Even gave them my favourite gesture
When they deserve it

I wasn’t lonely
Even when I was alone
Not everyone loved me
But some people did

I was a normal woman
But I was a little weird
And it is fun
Rocker chick or goth girl

I loved it

I wish for those days back

And I remember how I got here
Their own little experiment
Their own little freak
To test against conformity

To see if I would become one them
I promised I wouldn’t
Never become like them
Or betray all I stood for

Fortunately for them
I failed

Instead I have the bittersweet memories
Of looking at the person I used to be

From my pedestal
Like those I promised never to be

Screaming through my plastic shell
For someone to save me from my own little hell

I’ve turned into their own personal barbie doll

A toy to love and
to leave

I swear that from my fake exterior that I felt a single tear fall

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Update

This is long overdue. I guess this is kind of an update considering I haven’t posted in a while (despite my promise). So I am going to write about myself, if you don’t care (I don’t blame you).

To be honest not much has happened however I did receive my a-level grades. (if there are any non Brits reading this a levels are the exams that 16-18 take). I got BBBC, the C was in English Literature which was a major disappointment. I’m also sad because I dropped it today.it was my favourite subject, I would actually look forward to it but my future in writing doesn’t look bright. I’m happy writing here, if anyone actually reads this. As of now I’m that boring bastard that took science and maths based subjects.

Its not all a let down though because at the beginning of the year one of my teachers told me I would be lucky to get a D in her subject and remained a bitch to me but perseverance paid off and I got a B (which isn’t amazing but hey, its not a D). She also congratulated me (probably because I got higher than her favourite student) which I responded by saying that I exceeded her expectations of me. Which actually felt quite good. All I can say is never let anyone label you especially if that label is not good enough. Prove those bastards wrong, because pranks and talk that’s not proving them wrong. In the words of Gerard Way “real revenge is making something of yourself”. Which I intend to do. To be quite honest my difficulty isn’t proving other people, it’s proving it to myself.

What else? I’ve been working (yes an actual job).

Still watching too many YouTube videos.

Currently I’m writing this whilst listening to my chemical romance.

So that was my disgrace of a summer.

Note To Self

Note to self:

Start posting regularly (at least once a week)

Draw a little everyday

Learn to play instrument guitar

Be happy

There is a lot of things I want to do these are just a few. Instead of being lazy and watching YouTube videos in my spare time I’m going to do something that I can be proud of. There’s no time like the present.

What The Fuck Should I Do Now?

There’s a stage in your life when everyone is telling you what to do. Ideas float past but never stick.
This is the time to decide, it’s seriously time to sort your shit out.

Maybe it’s a small gesture which is introduced or a force that needs to reckoned with. Either way it’s time to realise that you’re not a kid anymore (despite how much you try).

You start thinking about the future but you’re drawn to blank.

From when I was younger, I wanted to be an architect. But they said you have to take art and I said fuck it.

A little while later I wanted to work for grazia but they said its a difficult industry. So I tried thinking of something more realistic.

I then said I want to be nothing. And they said you have to do something.

So now it’s hard, the feelings of having all my old dreams backed up on me realise how unworthy I am of my own dream. A dream I have created.

Now the question I ask is can I be?
Well simply yes but what can I do?

I’m just doing things for the sake of doing it not because I want to. So far it’s been very unfulfilling.

That’s not how I want to live.
But I need to know how to live.

I’m currently interested in either economics or journalism, but i guess I’m just as confused now as I was when I started this.

I know at the end of a post there’s usually a resolution or realisation, but that doesn’t always happen.
I’m writing this for my future self who hopefully has there life together (or as much as I can have). I guess I’m going to have to remind myself that it’s okay to not to know what to do and that’s fine.

But if anyone is looking for a unskilled, talentless teen then you know who to call.

No, seriously I need a job.

Do Looks Really Matter?

If you read my previous posts you would know that I talk about how looks aren’t important and that looks fade. And this is true, I agree with these these theories.
Some Internet trolls will say it’s because I’m ugly and they’re right I’m ugly as f*ck. But I’ve learnt to be okay with that. Looks aren’t that important to me.

So why did I spend a half hour looking at “how to be pretty” on the Internet?
This inevitably lead to a chain of more superficial searches. But the biggest question is why did I do this.
Your guess is as good as mine.

But eventually I came to my final search which was do looks really matter?
And I read one page when I realised how idiotic and futile it is.

Everywhere I turn I see beautiful people, and and then there’s me. I usually I think “it’s okay I’ve got a personality and my health”.
But this time it got to me. I feel like I have no personality and I’m dumb and ugly so I’ve got to work on being pretty and smart and interesting.

Then I realised what is true beauty anyway. It’s different to everyone, it’s different to me, to you reading this, to your parents (to your pets?).
For me true beauty is acceptance and kindness, acceptance with who you are but your kindness to help those who need it. It’s those with a soul, instead of selling it to the devil.

I’m not saying I’m not ugly, I’m just saying that I can better myself instead of changing completely. The first thing would be to be comfortable with me.

I’m writing this be cause I want to be honest. Looks don’t determine my self worth, my looks have made me what I am today. I love the person I am, seriously I could have been way worse. The people who don’t mind the way I look are the people I can get along with.

I’m glad I did do those idiotic searches because it has shown me how stupid it was what I was doing. My last search was “do looks really matter?” and I didn’t look at any websites because I already knew the answer.
The conclusion got me one step closer to the person I want to be.
Of course I’m still insecure but I’ve still got time to figure it out, these teenage years are the time for self discovery and my insecurity goes hand in hand with that.

Self Pity Is Not An Attractive Quality

“Self pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”
― John Gardner

It should be fairly obvious what this post is about. I haven’t posted for ages due to my a levels and feeling like I have failed every exam did send me into a chasm of self pity.

Which didn’t help anything and make me feel even more shit about myself.

All I think about is everything I’m bad at. My biggest downfall is comparing myself to others and honestly, I can not be the only one. I think of everything I’m bad at.
This is no excuse. But growing up my friends had books. Or calculators. Or even a map.
I had a tv.

I have no one to blame but myself, there’s no point in feeling sorry for myself but think about the things I can do instead.

Self pity is a horrible thing and it does a lot more damage then resolute. But in my time of self pity I did have time to reflect, I still have no idea what I’m going to do in life but I can’t waste any more time on self pity.

So let me get it out there:
I’m not the best writer
I’m not the best speaker
I’m not the prettiest
I’m not the most popular
I’m not the best artist

But that’s what makes me, me.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m thankful for what I have, in time maybe I can learn to write better or be more confident.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Alone.

Alone.
All alone
I’m all alone.
All alone
Alone.

The room, the dingy, small room stretched out before me. There was no way out. There was nothing to do.

So I did what any rational person would do.
I curled up into a ball and cried.
I cried for I don’t know how long.
I cried until there was nothing left.

When I stopped, when I was physically unable to cry any more. I got up. I could feel my hair static, tears dried on my face. I looked horrible.
Yet I still put my self in front of the mirror. My eyes wide, with several dark rings like someone had punched me- I wish it were that simple. My hollowed out face, too skinny to be alive. But why am I still walking? Even though every single step hurts, it hurts even more than the last.

I will show you how beautiful you are. A memory

I turned away from the mirror. I couldn’t handle it. From my sickly grey skin to my empty sad eyes. I was staring at a stranger.
But the person I once was is a distant memory.
So where did that leave me? Who was I?

You are beautiful.
Before.

I would I have walked away but before I could the walls were closing in around me. They were coming closer, and I was helpless. All I could do was stand there and wait for the pain to stop.

I woke up to what felt like weeks later. Still feeling groggy and looked around hoping it was all a dream. No it was all the bitter reality.
Something was different I wasn’t alone. There was someone with me.
In the shadows they were simply a figure, only when they stood up out of the shadows did I realise who it was.

She hadn’t changed. Her hair, her face, her height. All except her expression, cold and hard.
I was glad when she had not changed now there may be hope and I haven’t missed out on anything.

“Hello”.

Her face remained stern.
And we remained silent for a long while.
She didn’t move, or talk and it seemed like she didn’t even breath.
“How are you?”
This question annoyed her. For a brief second her face softened, to something familiar, something human.

“How do you think I am? You left me. Is that the answer you want. What kind of mum does that to her child?”

“I’m sorry”. Was all I said, what else could I say?

“For all those years you missed, of missed performances, assemblies, exams. You’re sorry”.

The tension could be cut with a knife and I did the worst thing, I stayed silent.

“No”, she laughed cynically. “You’re not sorry, that’s beyond your capability. You have no human emotion, your not honest or sincere,or happy or even sad.”

I stayed quiet because I knew it was true. I looked back to a time when I showed one emotion toward her. But I couldn’t find one
So she went on.

“You always wanted me out of the house, was I such a terrible person that my mother couldn’t even stand to be around me.
I wasn’t good enough so you signed me up for everything extracurricular possible.
Even after all that, you left me.
The saddest part was you were all I had.
You wouldn’t even let me have friends around, you wanted me to be as lonely as you.
Well congratulations you got your wish. I’m 27 and still am single. I’m just as inhuman as you.”

Then I saw her, I really saw her. A lady, beautiful even with her hair in her face, in frumpy clothes.
Then I remembered how shy she was.

I will show you how beautiful you are.

Then my world crumbled down.
The walls collapsed.

Then my thoughts came out.
“The reason I made you leave the house was so you would explore the world. You could see there was more beyond the world than this dirty small house.
You were good enough, but do you ever wonder if you would be this smart or athletic if I didn’t sign you up for endless classes. I bet you have a well paid job as a doctor now. I bet a million guys chase you but your too shy to realise. If not for your looks but your personality, not even I could break you out of your spirit.
You’re friends weren’t good for you, they never were.”

The worst thing was she didn’t shout back, or fight me. She hugged me, she forgave me for missing out on over twenty years of her life.

She hugged me while I sobbed.

But even with tears streaming down my face I could see from the corner of my eyes, my daughter calling the institute.

My own flesh and blood sending me back to that place.

I’m not crazy.
I’m just alone.

Dystopian

The world we once lived in has passed by us. There was no time to appreciate or treasure it. We lived and killed it and now it’s gone.

For today is a new day in a new world. With the same people. This is not a bittersweet truth, this is a monstrous truth.

The truth of the matter is that the people in this world will feast on you until there is only remnants of what you once were, a hollow being with the same face.

People change and become more and more spiteful, the land becomes more sterile.

Yes, it’s a new scary world. We will live in it and destroy it again- it’s just in our nature. We lose our world, our love, our morals and our hope.

Okay, I think this is the outcome of reading too many dystopian novels. Hope you enjoyed, tell me what you think in the comments.

Betty

I don’t know how many people are familiar with the show Ugly Betty (and if you aren’t then shame on you).
I absolutely loved it, I mean Betty was fucking hilarious, the idea was bloody brilliant. A heroine with thick rimmed glasses and braces- now that’s a plot.
An “ugly” (note the air quotes) girl who went to work for a fashionable magazine. She didn’t fit in (I’m pretty sure everyone knows how that feels). Shows like that aren’t really on, usually tv shows are about pretty people complaining about their lives. With Ugly Betty, I don’t know, I just feel like I could relate. Besides the poncho *face-palm*

I know it may sound stupid to have an emotional attachment to a fictional character but I don’t care.
My all time favourite quote from her-
“No I’m the jerk for thinking that clothes and a new hairdo would make a difference on someone like me.”
To me, I never really saw Betty as ugly, beauty IS in the eye of the beholder and to me she was beautiful. Honestly, she was an inspiration. I think more girls should try to be like Betty because she was a strong, independent woman, who was successful. Yet people still try and be like the models in there.

I’m not going to lie even the superficial characters had there moments. Honestly have you ever heard truer words-
“A word of advice, be who you are, wear what you want, just learn how to run real fast.”
~ Marc St

I even think Betty introduced the idea of blogging to me.
She was a real person; she had bad hair days (a lot of them), she snorted when she laughed, she embarrassed herself (once again, a lot!)
But she also stood up for what she believed in, she had experiences and had morals.
Which is why I refuse to call her ugly.

Thanks for reading
^___^
(=^.^=) (hey look a cat, since that has your attention—> leave a comment about your favourite heroines from books or tv shows)

Damaged

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I loved him, loved him more than I could’ve imagined.
This was the very reason why I had to let him go. I loved him too much to allow him to get dragged down with a person like me. I prevented him from the perfect life- he had a perfect home, perfect friends, a perfect life if it weren’t for his girlfriend.

It’s possible that he would be upset for a short time but it is for the best- just keep telling yourself that, it might make this remotely bearable.

I didn’t realise I was crying until I saw the tears drop down on the note I was writing.
Not so much a note as a line.
We accept the love we think we deserve.

I had to tell him- in person, there was no point in putting it off any longer.
Every time I took a turn, I pass a place with a reminder of him. The corner where he first asked me out, I looked into his eyes and saw a story. Outside the shop where we had our first kiss, he brushed my hair out of my face and kissed me- my first real kiss.
The park bench. The place where he said he loved me, and hugged me. That’s where we stood a while and we didn’t need words.

Now this was it. I just had to remind myself that I wasn’t good enough for him.

I sat on the park bench as he approached me. “What’s wrong?” he asked with general concern. Fuck. He knew me too well. I looked away from the ground up into his sad eyes. I wasn’t gonna cry again. “I love you, you have to know that.” He smiled weakly and choked out, “I know and I love you.”
I don’t think it’s gonna work out
It’s not you it’s me
Every break up line I could think of but there wasn’t one that was right- only one thing to do, be honest.
“You have a perfect life with a perfect home and perfect friends. I know you love me but I don’t think I deserve you. I mean I’m damaged goods, right? That’s what your friends call people like me. It’s better I don’t drag you down with me.” It all came out like one hot mess. I wanted to fight for him, with him. Instead I chose the cowards way out- just as I was about to run, he grabbed my arm. I pull me close, he pulled my waist close to him and he looked at me with such despair. I have seen this very look before, it was the same one he had when he asked me out, it was sadness. A look someone his age shouldn’t have mastered. But there it was and it’s too bad I wouldn’t be there to know the reason behind it. I knew him and I knew he wouldn’t let me go without a fight.

“Look, before you go, you have to know something. Here come round mine, I have to show you something.”
I thought about it, he never did invite me around before. I just couldn’t. It would make it even harder- for both of us.

That was two weeks ago. Now I stand in the place I said I wouldn’t.
I stood in his room.
It was nothing like I thought it was. I imagined a boys room- posters, clothes everywhere, desk covered with papers. In reality, it was nothing like that. The moment I walked in I could feel the coldness, I felt it to my very soul.
It reminded me of a prison cell rather than anything else. Dark walls, inhumanly neat- the few things in their had a place. Just the bare essentials.
His bed, that’s what he had wanted me to see. Not to sleep with me, no, it was more than that. It was sinister- it was the truth I never got to know. Over his bed there were engravings on the wall in fact, I was more like chicken scratches.
Every word showed how wrong I was about him. He was far from having the perfect life.

Divorce.
As it turns out his parents fought constantly, divorce would have been better rather than him seeing his mum -I quote- “getting treated like shit and beaten”.

Friends. Alone.
His friends, well, I knew they were dicks but not towards him. He has never felt so alone until he met-

Her.
And I turned out to be the worst one. He had his own problems and not once did I ask. I’d assumed his life was perfect but it was far from it.
One of the worst things is that he believed he didn’t deserve me.

Now every reminder, tainted with the dark truth. The look in his eyes where he asked me out- that was more than a story, that foreshadowed a tragedy.
Our first kiss he brushed me hair away, I could remember the pale bruises on his arms. The thought of not knowing how they got there would be the worst thing of all. The thoughts going through my head that was enough to make a person break down. It was enough to make me break down. The strangest thing was I didn’t cry, I didn’t scream, I didn’t even move.
I stood there like a statue, a statue cracking and falling apart. I swear that in that moment I felt something inside of break.
One thought continually preoccupied my mind, it’s the time where we just stood there in an embrace, where for once in my life words weren’t need and completely useless. I ignored those silent sobs, I heard in my ear.

The last words were what would haunt me forever.
The cruel bitter irony cut through me like a knife.
I wished someone ripped my heart out right then.

We accept the love we think we deserve.