A Rare Display of Some Much Needed Positivity

I’m trying to dash a little positivity and self love on my blog (and life) instead of it being littered with cynicism and self deprication, which has been on it for years. So for the usual self pitying posts and sad thoughts read anything else on my blog except this one post. I will still be as cynical as ever but I can put it on hold for one post.

In theory, 2018 should be a hard year for me. Someone like me who is a little bit of a loose cannon emotionally, this should have been a toughie. It was like starting from zero. I graduated in 2017 and had failed to secure a job in the new year and continued a job where people severely annoy me (not the workers, they alright but never underestimate the stupidity of the general public).
I work part time with so much time in between, whilst all my friends are either working full time or are still studying. While I have all this free time by myself, I should feel alone or I should feel empty. Especially when all my life I have been busy Monday to Saturday. It was easy to feel sad.

But for once I haven’t. Where I could feel sad and procrastinate and ignore my choices in life. This was truly the time for self reflection to which I still procrastinated. But guilt-free procrastination with no consequences, I didn’t know such a life existed.

Not too many people get to know themselves, understand what they want; instead life is thrust toward them without a breather. I still don’t know what I want but I’m closer.

I had no need to procrastinate so my creativity depleted in a very negative way. I learnt I do my best work when I really should not. But when in my life will I ever get this opportunity to do whatever I want? Wake up, write, do whatever, whenever. This was it. It was a new start.

I did apply for a lot of jobs with no outcome, just plenty of rejections. I have to admit I didn’t write or draw as much as I want because I was simply so uninspired but I didn’t just stay in bed and watch shows I don’t really care about.

Finally after many months of wihtholding exercise, it was time. Self improvement had to begin so self loathing could stop. No more self deprication, well only for humour purposes. Purely because I had so much time I didnt know what to do with, I started to exercise whenever I could, forcing myself to do it even when I didn’t want to. Eventually it became part of my schedule. And months on, I have never felt better. I have never been completely happy with my body, my stomach never be flat enough, my arms too much area of the bat wings, not having a singular chin. I lost a few kilos (not nearly as much as I wanted to) and felt good. The weight stopped being a problem, I didn’t have the need to contantly weigh myself because I was feeling good. I fit better in clothes, I fit into clothes which I couldn’t squeeze into for years. I couldn’t see too much of the impact but literally everyone else could. Regardless, I was getting more comfortable with my body even if I couldn’t see the results like everyone else. Then it happened, I was exercising one day. and I felt- MUSCLES. Like muscles I’ve never had before. It didnt matter that the weight was coming back because I liked how my body was turning out. Like I am a long way from my ideal and even though I am exercising, my diet needs to follow.

I was doing a good job keeping myself happy and healthy. I wasn’t feeling down or depressed. I genuinely felt good. It was like those years I spent feeling like shit were so distant. When, in reality, they really weren’t. The feeling of sadness seemed so strange to me, like even if I wasn’t happy, being sad was always automatically followed but now it was contentment and just living. With that mindset things felt like they were falling into place. I was getting somewhere on the job front too. I was getting some interviews and assessment centres and then eventually I got a job offer. An actual good job in engineering.

(Also why is it when I got a job more offers were coming through. Too little too late bud.)

That is pretty much my life right now. It hasn’t been too crazy or eventful. But its been good. I needed it.

Note To Self

Note to self:

Start posting regularly (at least once a week)

Draw a little everyday

Learn to play instrument guitar

Be happy

There is a lot of things I want to do these are just a few. Instead of being lazy and watching YouTube videos in my spare time I’m going to do something that I can be proud of. There’s no time like the present.

Today

So today was a fucking fun day. I got the lowest grade I have ever gotten in English. And guess what it counts for almost quarter of my grade.

Have you ever had a moment even your life when you realise everything your thought was something else. That’s what happened today. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, I want to write and write but apparently I can’t even do that right.

Your probably thinking that’s its dumb to get so upset about this but for me it isn’t. This was the moment that I saw that the one thing I thought I could do, I couldn’t.
Everyone has one thing going for them well not me.

What’s annoying is that people say “oh my god I tried so hard”, and they are upset when they get a higher grade and they know they are talking shit- because they didn’t try. My teacher even went around to everyone and explained to them why they did wrong- you know what I got? A fucking paragraph I couldn’t even bring myself to read.

It’s ironic, isn’t it? I’m talking about how crap I am at writing but I’m expressing it through writing. Well, my words are even failing me now.

Nothing Wrong With Dreaming

“I believe in everything until it’s disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it’s in your mind. Who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now?”
— John Lennon

Screw real people. I don’t think I’m a dreamer, I would probably pin myself as a realist. I know real life but I don’t think there’s anything wrong living in your imagination.

Do you want the full hard truth? Well, if you’ve read my previous blogs then you would know that I don’t think of myself as a typical teenage girl. I’m not obsessed with having a boyfriend or sex.
To be honest I haven’t had a proper boyfriend and I have no intention to, yet. I don’t think any guy would want me as a girlfriend.

There is one thing I have in common with these girls though. I want that guy, even though I don’t want a boyfriend now I sure as hell don’t want to be alone all my life. I don’t believe in fairytales but I think everyone should find someone they will be happy with because no one deserves to live alone.

I wrote this because all my friends talk about the perfect guy for each other, who is going to get married first and who they are most likely to end up with.
We do talk about celebrities a lot as well and just like a million other girls out there I love Taylor Lautner. I’m sixteen, there’s nothing wrong with a celebrity crush. To be honest he’s the only reason I watched the twilight movies. Although I enjoyed the last one (but let’s not go to into that).

Now be honest. I won’t ask about what you look for in a guy because this blog was tacky and cliché enough. But who is you celebrity crush?
Everyone has one, some are even embarrassing. I think people love the idea of this so called perfection it blinds us from what they are really like instead we build them up how we want them to be.

Thanks for reading (sorry this blog was kind of amateurish).

Who inspires you?

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”
— Marilyn Monroe

People with stories. People with a terrible past. People who live.
Writing has made me wonder who inspires you? Maybe a tv character, an athlete, a celebrity, anyone. Some of them I don’t understand, some I do.

The people who inspire me are my family. They are great people, they will be behind me always and despite everything. They haven’t had everything but they rise above it. They are fighters.

Really, the smallest things can influence me.
These guys on YouTube was another thing inspired me to also write these blogs. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s there videos they’re amazing. It’s the sort of videos you could watch over and over again. (If you’re wondering- these people are called Wong fu productions- you should check them out.)

Even with the smallest things that inspire me, my family always have some influence. We all have it- my mum, dad, brother and sometimes that aunt who you realise is so brave, my grandma who you just love and has always been strong, that immature uncle who can just make you laugh.

Now, who inspires you? Leave a comment below 🙂

Thanks for reading

Ordinary people

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
― Maya Angelou

I don’t believe that there are ordinary people because everyone can achieve greatness. I don’t believe in normal because no one is the same. If you truly believe someone is ordinary then you just don’t know them well enough. People may see me as ordinary, because I’m not pretty or popular- I’m just me. I’m quiet but trust me when you get to know me I’m so much weirder than you could imagine.

I don’t believe ordinary exists but extraordinary does. You may not see extraordinary everyday but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, because its there- it is silent and beautiful. The people you see everyday could have the most extraordinary personality, the biggest problems and most amazing dreams and memories to go. Problems is what makes extraordinary come true, if there were no problems then they would have nothing to arise from, nothing to learn from or to live from.

I know strong people, they have endured so much in life but still can wake up everyday and can still have a great day. These people are those who inspire me not those who turn up in the magazines or are considered heroes by the smallest most irrelevant things. People go through so much hardship, battle so much but leave all the crap and are still great. This is what I aspire to and these are the traits I would like when I’m older; strength, courage, dignity.
For those who did endure such pain probably didn’t get everything they wanted or asked for. The people who were there with you may not have been the right people- not the ones who you imagined. But are these really the wrong people?
My answer is no. People won’t always be with you but whoever wasn’t there with you didn’t deserve to be and those who were they are the right people. They are the ones who stayed when things got bad and stayed despite the flaws, these are the people that should be held onto. And in there own way they are extraordinary.

Thank you for reading 🙂

Books

“Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers.”
― Charles William Eliot

I’m a bookworm. I always need a book to read. I’m not the girl who always has her head in a book sitting at the back of class but reading does define people. And it has impacted me hugely.
A few years ago if you asked if I would want to become a writer I would say no-straight away. But now it’s what I would love to do but I don’t think I can do it as a career. To be honest I have no idea what career I would love to do. It’s a passion but you guys obviously know that it isn’t easy to break into.

Yes, I’m a nerd I always have a book on me. I love reading any type of book, except vampires and werewolves. I grew out of that ages ago.
Now I prefer to read the books with people with real problems. They’re described as depressing and my friends often call me “emo” or “goth” (it doesn’t help that I have dark hair and light skin). I think people don’t understand “real life”, my friend says that she doesn’t read these books because they are too sad and she reads to get away from problems. People are really oblivious to things happening around them.

“Only bad books have good endings.
If a book is any good, it’s ending is always bad – because you don’t want the book to end.” I agree with this quote because there has to be a purpose there would be no point of anything of things stayed the same. It’s the same in life, learning from mistakes and changing or adapting.

Thank you for reading.

Labels

“Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people.”
― Martina Navratilova

It’s amazing, words. One word has so much power. Words have the power to hurt sometimes even kill. Who was the person who said sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me? And seriously what was he/she smoking?
They affect everyone, people are branded like cattle because of these words. Ugly, stupid, bitch- everyone’s been called it and most of the time for no particular reason.

I honestly don’t believe in labelling people because I know what it feels like.
Labels, stereotypes, whatever you call them. It changes people after a while they it into these stereotypes and turn into these labels because they start to believe it. I’m not saying words are wrong but they can be used in a negative way.

Im a realist and I know that these labels will never stop but honestly don’t pay attention to them. I know it’s not easy especially if your in school because this is where they are most used. People can be vicious and if we forget about the people that bring us down then we can do whatever we want. I’m not saying its easy to but its worth a shot. If I was still scared about what people may say then I wouldn’t be writing this- I’m done being afraid.

Thanks for reading 😀

Fairy tales

“I know she’s shy. I know she doesn’t have very many friends. I just want her to be strong, you know? To be able to face the world for what it is. That’s why I don’t encourage the fairy tales. I don’t want to set her up to believe in this ‘dreams come true’ nonsense.”-Robert

Those things in which we hoped for in life only to realise in pure disappointment that they didn’t exist. I think that fairy tales are great but it’s almost like people are setting you up for disappointment. Personally I don’t believe in fairy tales. I believe in “once upon a time”s but not “they lived happily ever after”s because they simply don’t exist. They’re a great story but that’s all they’re stories.

I have a story to share which inspired me to write this.
“Once upon a time there lived a lady who did everything right she was nice, sweet, respectful and just great. Still people took advantage of her good nature and walked all over her.
Several years later just as she got her enemies to turn into allies she realised that she couldn’t have kids but never did she get knocked down so she got a baby not hers but she loved this baby. She was a devoted mother and just as she gained happiness she got bad news.
She was ill, this was a roller coaster ride and just when everything looked like it was going to be okay, it wasn’t.
Nothing worked and her last couple of weeks she couldn’t even say goodbye to her beautiful child because she couldn’t talk. She couldn’t give her child a hug because she was able to move. No closure no nothing just that. No happily ever after just that.”

I don’t believe that Prince Charming will whisk a girl off in her time of need because he’s just a spoilt brat too busy fixing his hair. Nor do I think that a knight in shining armour will come and ride a girl off in the sunset. I believe that good people deserve this happily ever after but it doesn’t happen. Sure they’ll be some stories that restore your faith in these tales but they are short lived. It’s a cynical view but I’m not going to wait in a tower for someone to rescue me from this.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Endings

“Ends are not bad things, they just mean that something else is about to begin. And there are many things that don’t really end, anyway, they just begin again in a new way. Ends are not bad and many ends aren’t really an ending; some things are never-ending.”
― C. JoyBell C.

In my previous blog I wrote about beginnings, I felt that it was fitting to also talk about endings . Endings are never great even if it may be better, people don’t want it because we simply don’t like change.
Coming to terms with endings are never easy too. It’s like saying goodbye to part of your life, to a part of yourself. People can say that they’ll be perfectly content with memories but we can’t live on memories we need to be reminded of it. We need to see these people we have these great memories with.
You walk into a whole new life and the people you love will drift too, but from this it’s about new experiences and meeting new people.

Endings are closure, from the good or the bad. From endings come goodbyes and we forget about the memories and just wonder, what happened? Why can’t things be like this again? From these questions come regrets in which we have to live with. I think the best thing you can do is face up to the problems instead of having to live with them all your life.

I think this builds character and makes you a better person, it shows how you deal with a situations and cliché as it is, how you adapt because in your life you would have experienced this. You need to leave your old experiences and memories in order to create new ones.

Thank you for reading.