Cheers To A New Year

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

Okay I kind of had to force myself to write this one but I ended up really getting into it. I want to talk about New Years resolutions.

Yes, it’s those stupid promises you make at the beginning of the year but break on the first week.
Every year I say that my resolution is to lose weight. That never happens.

I could if I really tried to. I also promise to study more. And be a better person.
The thing is I think that if I try hard enough I can be the person I want to be.

We could change our live in an instant. We could jump off a cliff. We could tell someone we love them. We could save someone’s life.
Jumping off a cliff wouldn’t improve our life but it just shows we are in control of our life. We have control and the ability to change our lives if we have the willpower.

I can be a better person.
I can lose weight.
I can study more.
I can change.

Do you know people say “be the change”. Well I never quite got that until now. You have to make it yourself, you have to become what you want to be and not wait for anyone or anything.

We can change our lives and the trick isn’t finding out how, it’s actually doing it.
It’s not about how much you want it, it’s what you are willing to do about it.

Happy holidays. Wish you a happy year with lots of smiles and happiness to come. Make this next year great.

Thanks for reading and what’s your New Years resolution? What do you want out of the New Year?

Waiting for the Answer

I just sat there. So helpless, so useless. I sat there on the hard blue chairs, surrounded by those spotlessly clean, white walls. I sat there, waiting.

The clock kept ticking and ticking, it’s been an hour. Two hours. Three. Four. I just stopped counting, what exactly was I waiting for? I was trapped by those walls and couldn’t possibly leave. I didn’t want to leave.

I felt like it was just me. Alone.
It wasn’t though, I could hear the machines bleeping, the kids playing, their parents praying. It wasn’t just me. This wasn’t about me anymore, it never was to begin with.

Just a boy who couldn’t love. However boy met girl and they fell in love. It’s like she was waiting for me but now I waited for her. We didn’t get our happy ending yet. I wondered if we ever would.

The way she smiled, I thought while I buried my face buried in my hands. She always seemed so happy but looking back it seemed like I looked through her like everyone else. I was no different.

The night we watched a cheesy movie and we were making fun of it the whole night. She laughed so much and I loved every minute being with her. She was in fact so different.

Then I remembered the afternoon I found her vomiting. She just finished eating. I didn’t realise she how small she had gotten until that moment. That was our biggest argument and our relationship wasn’t the same after that. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love her the same, if anything more. I felt as though she needed me.

The morning I found scars patterned on her arms. She cried, she broke down. They were so deep and she was so fragile. I never would have guessed behind her laughter was screams. Behind her smile was agony.

She promised she would stop but clearly she didn’t. Maybe stopping was a way of saying she would hide it better.
She stopped cutting on obvious places like her arms and instead cut places I didn’t check. I checked every other day and didn’t tell anyone because she promised she would stop and I believed her.

Now I sit here, waiting for answer.
Did I want her to live? She could still harm herself, treat her body badly. She would only be prolonging her pain. In the end it would still catch up with her. Death could’ve been an escape for her. From her life, people- and from me.

However I didn’t want her to die. She could’ve changed. There was nothing to get away from wasn’t the most popular but she had friends, she wasn’t perfect but that didn’t mean people didn’t love her. She could’ve had a happy life, maybe not even with me but with someone. She would’ve had kids. She would have been the mum that is the first to apply for everything, attends all the evenings and meetings. The one that loves with all her heart.

I heard the door open abruptly and took me out of my trail of thought. My head shot up and I got the answer I needed.

This is a subject I feel very passionate about because it affects so many people.
I think it would be interesting to see how everyone else thought it would end. Write the ending 🙂 thanks for reading.

Forever

I thought I’d give fiction a try. This is just an idea I had and love for some feedback. Story done by me- and as always, I hope you enjoy.

I looked up at his face. Hard, rugged yet beautiful. His face was soft, his jawline strong and his eyes deep. He had this expression on his face like nothing needed to be said, it was almost like a smile with every part of his body.
He was looking at our hands, palm in palm, our fingers were intwined and his thumb was stroking the ring. 
He saw my eyes flutter open, which made the ends of his lips turn up while looking straight into my eyes. He said one word, the singular word.
It was amazing how that one word had so much reassurance, so much love but at the same time held so many lies.
“Forever”.
That is when everything around me disintegrated, turning into ash.

It wasn’t a nightmare nor a dream. I didn’t wake up gasping for breath, this time, neither did I wake up in a pool of sweat.
This was just a distant memory that I didn’t want to forget. However, it was too painful to remember. Then I remembered a flash, a white hot burst. There was shouting then an arm grabbed me.

When I woke I saw it, the words scrawled on the wall- “nothing lasts forever”. I wasn’t at home, actually in a way I was. I lay  on my old bed in my own room, the one I spent my teenage years on. I remember the tears I cried in the pillow, the smiles I experienced whilst laying on the mattress. There were bad times and good but despite all this, I was happy to get away from it. Not that it was bad, I was just excited with my new life.
Laying on the old bed filled with disappointment. I wanted to be on our bed, laying there with him like nothing mattered but instead I was by myself on a single bed. I stroked my hand looking for the ring but it wasn’t there.

I just sobbed into my pillow like I used to when I was younger. Except it wasn’t anything like those times, because through the confusion and heartache I still had the future to look forward to. Now there was nothing.
I remember when I used to cry I could hear the most mundane things and they would become so comforting. The kettle whistling, the phone ringing or the television playing in the background. It was an odd comfort. Only silence existed now. 
Another flash abruptly came back to me, his face over the colourless surrounding. Ther was still some hope I felt. I remember him coming closer to me but for this reason, he was now further away then ever.

I was just there. Waiting for someone to come, anyone.
I waited for a good few hours, I don’t know what time I woke up but at 10.02 my mum walked in. She was holding a tray. “Hey, honey,” she started. “Breakfast” she said as she put down the tray in front of me. “How you doing?”
I just shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t know what to say or know how to feel.
“Do you still see him?” She asked but just that was enough for me to breakdown. She hugged me but the hard silence just returned.
I fell asleep in her arms but when I woke up she was gone. She always came in to check on me and I loved her for it. She didn’t know what to do but still tried even dad came in to see me. We didn’t talk about because he knew he couldn’t instead he sat there and told me about his day, just little stories.

I scanned the room and saw a figure in the corner of my room saw him. I could spot him right away.
He had the same look in his eyes and his face was soft. He walked over to me and stroked my hair pushing it away from face. “I didn’t want to wake you,” he said. “You just looked so peaceful. I don’t think I told you this before but I love the way you look when you sleep. So at peace, expressionless. It’s just the time when you look the most beautiful”.

He held my gaze and I simply nodded. There was so much I had to say but I couldn’t. Tears formed in my eyes and I couldn’t even fight them back.
He smiled, like he understood but this just made me angry. He didn’t understand. He couldn’t.
“You know I’ve really missed you”.
I haven’t spoken since the last time i saw him but I managed to squeak out, “nothing lasts forever”. He just smiled. I was so angry that I didn’t realise that he started stroking my stomach. “Come on babe, we’re in this together, all of us”.
I said, “I love you despite everything”.
“I love you too, never forget that,” he said, whilst leaning in closer to me.

Not even my delusions were good. That’s a happy thought but what happened before me was different. 

I saw a figure and he walked out. Nothing. No smile or reassurance. He walked over- limp and lifeless. I sat up and hugged my knees, putting my head down. I felt his hand graze my back and when I looked up I realised that even his eyes were different, they were empty. He looked like a completely different person, no longer mine. “Everything has changed you know that?”
Was that supposed to be my reassurance. I didn’t feel sad, instead rage washed over me.
“That’s all you can say? After everything you have done to me. You wanna remind me of every other shit thing happening in my life? Because you don’t have to, I know. I don’t forget but don’t you dare remind me.”
He was no longer expressionless actually he looked hurt. I still loved him and this made me feel even worse.
“Babe, I know you’re upset. I want you to have everything even without me.” This made my eyes sting whilst my vision blurred. I just jumped on him and hugged him.
“I want you to stay”, I cried in his ear, “why do you have to leave again?”
“You know why,” he said, holding me closer to him. “But at least you would always have a part of me with you,” he placed his hand on my stomach.
I cried harder. “No I don’t. I don’t even have you anymore and it’s gone. I didn’t even know the sex, it was nameless. I have nothing. That’s what you left me with”.
“You need to know that if I had a choice I would never leave. I wanna stay with you forever”.
“But that’s just it- nothing lasts forever.”
“You have to know I didn’t leave you. I was taken.”
“Whatever. Just go back.”
I then got another flash- the rest of it. It was just white then the colour started to come back. The flames got bigger and closer, I felt beads of sweat down my forehead. Then I saw him. His hand grabbed me and pulled away from everything- and away from him.
He didn’t leave me but he was still gone. Because of me.
It’s like he could read my mind because at that moment he said “I love you, you know that right?”
I nodded, “I love you too. So much. I’m so sorry”. I was so sick of it- crying but I still did. I cried uncontrollably.
“There’s no need to be. I saved you so you could live your life. That’s really what I want you to do.”
“I can’t live- not without you”.
There was a pause, it was the dark silence again. I wanted to say everything- how much I hated him for doing it. But how much I loved him for it. I didn’t know what to think. A million thoughts surrounded me, wrapped around me like a shell, the shell I have lived in since that day. I had to let it go- just stop.

I almost forget he was there. “Babe, tell me what you’re thinking”.
“Nothing”, I said honestly, “I’m done”.
“I want you to come, but that’s just selfish”.
“I want to come with you”.
“You gotta know what you’re doing. Remember babe I’m-“. I wouldn’t even listen to the last word.
I knew, nothing could change my mind. So he took my hand and pulled me away from this. I left the pain, despair and sadness but I also everything I loved the emotions that made me feel I deserved it, the things that made it worthwhile, I left my parents and loved ones. That was it, no goodbyes just us getting swallowed by the darkness together. Just like that- gone. Forever.

That was the night she died. At 23.58. No one knows what happened, she didn’t commit suicide as far as the police know. No drugs were found in her system.
It’s almost like she died of grief and accepted it.
“Dead” that was the last word he used before it happened and she still accepted it. That was it.

Beginnings

“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!”
― C. JoyBell C.

People may have a story to share or a heart wrenching tale which gets them to blog. Well for me I guess it’s just something I’ve wanted to for a while, the idea of something being yours and where you can share anything. But the idea of putting yourself out there is kind of daunting. To be honest I had to build up a lot of nerve to do this. I guess I was just afraid. Of what? Your guess is as good as mine.
Seeing as this is the first blog I wanted to talk about beginnings. I’m not going to lie, but they suck. Simply because something had to end for a new beginning, and at times they’re not always better its about making the best of it.
For me I hate beginnings, it’s starting over. New people, new experiences, new everything, essentially a new life. Sometimes things can change for the better but other times this is not the case.

I wrote this blog because its always something I’ve wanted to do but something held me back. Maybe I was scared of what other people may think or say but I’m tired of being scared. I always considered myself quite a shy, reserved person but I don’t wanna be that all my life. I’m not saying I’ll change right away or change completely because I don’t want that. I guess out with the negative qualities and thoughts and soak up the good and i know it wont happen right away but its a start.