Update

This is long overdue. I guess this is kind of an update considering I haven’t posted in a while (despite my promise). So I am going to write about myself, if you don’t care (I don’t blame you).

To be honest not much has happened however I did receive my a-level grades. (if there are any non Brits reading this a levels are the exams that 16-18 take). I got BBBC, the C was in English Literature which was a major disappointment. I’m also sad because I dropped it today.it was my favourite subject, I would actually look forward to it but my future in writing doesn’t look bright. I’m happy writing here, if anyone actually reads this. As of now I’m that boring bastard that took science and maths based subjects.

Its not all a let down though because at the beginning of the year one of my teachers told me I would be lucky to get a D in her subject and remained a bitch to me but perseverance paid off and I got a B (which isn’t amazing but hey, its not a D). She also congratulated me (probably because I got higher than her favourite student) which I responded by saying that I exceeded her expectations of me. Which actually felt quite good. All I can say is never let anyone label you especially if that label is not good enough. Prove those bastards wrong, because pranks and talk that’s not proving them wrong. In the words of Gerard Way “real revenge is making something of yourself”. Which I intend to do. To be quite honest my difficulty isn’t proving other people, it’s proving it to myself.

What else? I’ve been working (yes an actual job).

Still watching too many YouTube videos.

Currently I’m writing this whilst listening to my chemical romance.

So that was my disgrace of a summer.

Note To Self

Note to self:

Start posting regularly (at least once a week)

Draw a little everyday

Learn to play instrument guitar

Be happy

There is a lot of things I want to do these are just a few. Instead of being lazy and watching YouTube videos in my spare time I’m going to do something that I can be proud of. There’s no time like the present.

What The Fuck Should I Do Now?

There’s a stage in your life when everyone is telling you what to do. Ideas float past but never stick.
This is the time to decide, it’s seriously time to sort your shit out.

Maybe it’s a small gesture which is introduced or a force that needs to reckoned with. Either way it’s time to realise that you’re not a kid anymore (despite how much you try).

You start thinking about the future but you’re drawn to blank.

From when I was younger, I wanted to be an architect. But they said you have to take art and I said fuck it.

A little while later I wanted to work for grazia but they said its a difficult industry. So I tried thinking of something more realistic.

I then said I want to be nothing. And they said you have to do something.

So now it’s hard, the feelings of having all my old dreams backed up on me realise how unworthy I am of my own dream. A dream I have created.

Now the question I ask is can I be?
Well simply yes but what can I do?

I’m just doing things for the sake of doing it not because I want to. So far it’s been very unfulfilling.

That’s not how I want to live.
But I need to know how to live.

I’m currently interested in either economics or journalism, but i guess I’m just as confused now as I was when I started this.

I know at the end of a post there’s usually a resolution or realisation, but that doesn’t always happen.
I’m writing this for my future self who hopefully has there life together (or as much as I can have). I guess I’m going to have to remind myself that it’s okay to not to know what to do and that’s fine.

But if anyone is looking for a unskilled, talentless teen then you know who to call.

No, seriously I need a job.

Do Looks Really Matter?

If you read my previous posts you would know that I talk about how looks aren’t important and that looks fade. And this is true, I agree with these these theories.
Some Internet trolls will say it’s because I’m ugly and they’re right I’m ugly as f*ck. But I’ve learnt to be okay with that. Looks aren’t that important to me.

So why did I spend a half hour looking at “how to be pretty” on the Internet?
This inevitably lead to a chain of more superficial searches. But the biggest question is why did I do this.
Your guess is as good as mine.

But eventually I came to my final search which was do looks really matter?
And I read one page when I realised how idiotic and futile it is.

Everywhere I turn I see beautiful people, and and then there’s me. I usually I think “it’s okay I’ve got a personality and my health”.
But this time it got to me. I feel like I have no personality and I’m dumb and ugly so I’ve got to work on being pretty and smart and interesting.

Then I realised what is true beauty anyway. It’s different to everyone, it’s different to me, to you reading this, to your parents (to your pets?).
For me true beauty is acceptance and kindness, acceptance with who you are but your kindness to help those who need it. It’s those with a soul, instead of selling it to the devil.

I’m not saying I’m not ugly, I’m just saying that I can better myself instead of changing completely. The first thing would be to be comfortable with me.

I’m writing this be cause I want to be honest. Looks don’t determine my self worth, my looks have made me what I am today. I love the person I am, seriously I could have been way worse. The people who don’t mind the way I look are the people I can get along with.

I’m glad I did do those idiotic searches because it has shown me how stupid it was what I was doing. My last search was “do looks really matter?” and I didn’t look at any websites because I already knew the answer.
The conclusion got me one step closer to the person I want to be.
Of course I’m still insecure but I’ve still got time to figure it out, these teenage years are the time for self discovery and my insecurity goes hand in hand with that.

Self Pity Is Not An Attractive Quality

“Self pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”
― John Gardner

It should be fairly obvious what this post is about. I haven’t posted for ages due to my a levels and feeling like I have failed every exam did send me into a chasm of self pity.

Which didn’t help anything and make me feel even more shit about myself.

All I think about is everything I’m bad at. My biggest downfall is comparing myself to others and honestly, I can not be the only one. I think of everything I’m bad at.
This is no excuse. But growing up my friends had books. Or calculators. Or even a map.
I had a tv.

I have no one to blame but myself, there’s no point in feeling sorry for myself but think about the things I can do instead.

Self pity is a horrible thing and it does a lot more damage then resolute. But in my time of self pity I did have time to reflect, I still have no idea what I’m going to do in life but I can’t waste any more time on self pity.

So let me get it out there:
I’m not the best writer
I’m not the best speaker
I’m not the prettiest
I’m not the most popular
I’m not the best artist

But that’s what makes me, me.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m thankful for what I have, in time maybe I can learn to write better or be more confident.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Alone.

Alone.
All alone
I’m all alone.
All alone
Alone.

The room, the dingy, small room stretched out before me. There was no way out. There was nothing to do.

So I did what any rational person would do.
I curled up into a ball and cried.
I cried for I don’t know how long.
I cried until there was nothing left.

When I stopped, when I was physically unable to cry any more. I got up. I could feel my hair static, tears dried on my face. I looked horrible.
Yet I still put my self in front of the mirror. My eyes wide, with several dark rings like someone had punched me- I wish it were that simple. My hollowed out face, too skinny to be alive. But why am I still walking? Even though every single step hurts, it hurts even more than the last.

I will show you how beautiful you are. A memory

I turned away from the mirror. I couldn’t handle it. From my sickly grey skin to my empty sad eyes. I was staring at a stranger.
But the person I once was is a distant memory.
So where did that leave me? Who was I?

You are beautiful.
Before.

I would I have walked away but before I could the walls were closing in around me. They were coming closer, and I was helpless. All I could do was stand there and wait for the pain to stop.

I woke up to what felt like weeks later. Still feeling groggy and looked around hoping it was all a dream. No it was all the bitter reality.
Something was different I wasn’t alone. There was someone with me.
In the shadows they were simply a figure, only when they stood up out of the shadows did I realise who it was.

She hadn’t changed. Her hair, her face, her height. All except her expression, cold and hard.
I was glad when she had not changed now there may be hope and I haven’t missed out on anything.

“Hello”.

Her face remained stern.
And we remained silent for a long while.
She didn’t move, or talk and it seemed like she didn’t even breath.
“How are you?”
This question annoyed her. For a brief second her face softened, to something familiar, something human.

“How do you think I am? You left me. Is that the answer you want. What kind of mum does that to her child?”

“I’m sorry”. Was all I said, what else could I say?

“For all those years you missed, of missed performances, assemblies, exams. You’re sorry”.

The tension could be cut with a knife and I did the worst thing, I stayed silent.

“No”, she laughed cynically. “You’re not sorry, that’s beyond your capability. You have no human emotion, your not honest or sincere,or happy or even sad.”

I stayed quiet because I knew it was true. I looked back to a time when I showed one emotion toward her. But I couldn’t find one
So she went on.

“You always wanted me out of the house, was I such a terrible person that my mother couldn’t even stand to be around me.
I wasn’t good enough so you signed me up for everything extracurricular possible.
Even after all that, you left me.
The saddest part was you were all I had.
You wouldn’t even let me have friends around, you wanted me to be as lonely as you.
Well congratulations you got your wish. I’m 27 and still am single. I’m just as inhuman as you.”

Then I saw her, I really saw her. A lady, beautiful even with her hair in her face, in frumpy clothes.
Then I remembered how shy she was.

I will show you how beautiful you are.

Then my world crumbled down.
The walls collapsed.

Then my thoughts came out.
“The reason I made you leave the house was so you would explore the world. You could see there was more beyond the world than this dirty small house.
You were good enough, but do you ever wonder if you would be this smart or athletic if I didn’t sign you up for endless classes. I bet you have a well paid job as a doctor now. I bet a million guys chase you but your too shy to realise. If not for your looks but your personality, not even I could break you out of your spirit.
You’re friends weren’t good for you, they never were.”

The worst thing was she didn’t shout back, or fight me. She hugged me, she forgave me for missing out on over twenty years of her life.

She hugged me while I sobbed.

But even with tears streaming down my face I could see from the corner of my eyes, my daughter calling the institute.

My own flesh and blood sending me back to that place.

I’m not crazy.
I’m just alone.

Betty

I don’t know how many people are familiar with the show Ugly Betty (and if you aren’t then shame on you).
I absolutely loved it, I mean Betty was fucking hilarious, the idea was bloody brilliant. A heroine with thick rimmed glasses and braces- now that’s a plot.
An “ugly” (note the air quotes) girl who went to work for a fashionable magazine. She didn’t fit in (I’m pretty sure everyone knows how that feels). Shows like that aren’t really on, usually tv shows are about pretty people complaining about their lives. With Ugly Betty, I don’t know, I just feel like I could relate. Besides the poncho *face-palm*

I know it may sound stupid to have an emotional attachment to a fictional character but I don’t care.
My all time favourite quote from her-
“No I’m the jerk for thinking that clothes and a new hairdo would make a difference on someone like me.”
To me, I never really saw Betty as ugly, beauty IS in the eye of the beholder and to me she was beautiful. Honestly, she was an inspiration. I think more girls should try to be like Betty because she was a strong, independent woman, who was successful. Yet people still try and be like the models in there.

I’m not going to lie even the superficial characters had there moments. Honestly have you ever heard truer words-
“A word of advice, be who you are, wear what you want, just learn how to run real fast.”
~ Marc St

I even think Betty introduced the idea of blogging to me.
She was a real person; she had bad hair days (a lot of them), she snorted when she laughed, she embarrassed herself (once again, a lot!)
But she also stood up for what she believed in, she had experiences and had morals.
Which is why I refuse to call her ugly.

Thanks for reading
^___^
(=^.^=) (hey look a cat, since that has your attention—> leave a comment about your favourite heroines from books or tv shows)

Movie Moments

“Life experience. I can talk it up, vow to broaden my horizons, but I’m still limited to the experiences with my life.
How can a person understand an experience that lies completely outside her own? She can see it, feel it, imagine what it would be like to live it, but it’s no different from seeing a movie on a screen and saying, “Thank God that’s not me”.”
— Kelley Armstrong

It feels like forever since I’ve posted. Life sucks because it’s too busy. It’s almost been a month since my last post so many ideas have been going through my head.

I wanna talk about how life isn’t like movies. I’ve been fairly optimistic about this but for the past year I’ve noticed that life doesn’t work like that.

First off in those movies have you seen the actors. They’re meant to be 16 years old, believe me when I say I’m 17 and I look nothing like that. I think I’m still going through that “awkward phase”.

Secondly, your in secondary school and you meet the person of your dreams in the most romantic way or you have the most amazing boyfriends. Once again I’m 17 and I’ve never had a boyfriend and it’s not just me, many people my age haven’t had boyfriends. Lots of them do but it’s nothing like the movies.

Thirdly, OMFD this is the thing that annoys me the most. Yes, prom. In the movies the proms are so amazing and everyone looks so good. Finally at the very last second of prom the person you have awaited to come has finally come and there is that moment when the characters embrace in a heartfelt reunion.
Barely, anyone came with a date to my prom (this might be because I’m British and our proms are slightly different than those in America). They just came to say goodbye to their friends. Those who have not have there prom should know, that doesn’t happen. I absolutely hated my prom, it was an utter disappointment. I didn’t even want to go only in a few months prior did I decide. The only thing I liked was my dress (and in the pictures I looked so fat! Sorry I’m still a teenage girl).

Maybe because with people like me things like this don’t happen.
I’ve come to realise I don’t want things like this, this is way too predictable.
Life is beautiful which ever way you live it- but only if you actually live it. Don’t wait around for those ridiculous movie moments because that will never happen but that doesn’t mean there won’t be perfect moments in life.

Smiles

Her.

She walked past me. She tried not to but she looked up at me and smiled. A small smile but nevertheless it was a smile.
Her dark, almost black, hair- not messy just not perfect. Her big brown eyes looking away and distant. Her light skin, yeah, she definitely wasn’t perfect. She wasn’t pretty, I wouldn’t say she was ugly but some people called her that anyway.

I would probably like her back if she weren’t such a loser. Despite this I couldn’t help but wonder. We used to be friends, close friends and at one point I couldn’t imagine not being friends with her.
What happened? Well, I thought that obvious- we grew up, we grew apart. There was one thing I was sure, she loved me. Actually, she had a crush on me and I’m pretty sure she still does. I won’t ever get with her but it’s nice to be admired.

I don’t even talk to her. I still talk to her brother from now and then. She’s just an old distant friend, and if you ever ask me I’ll deny this but there was a small chance I liked her.

Now here she stood. Infront of me, just me and her. Nothing to lose, so much to say. But she was a loser.
I don’t know why I called out her name but I did. No one saw us when I asked her in my house. We stood in silence for a while, she was waiting for an explanation to why I shouted out her name.
“Remember how close we used to be?” Thank goodness she spoke first.
“Mm hm,” was all I could reply.
“Fine, don’t talk to me but I’m leaving. Next time you call me I’m ignoring you”. Just as she turned around I said, “yes, I remember we were really close, all of us.”
“I kind of miss it”, she admitted.
I couldn’t lie, not now, not to her. “I actually miss it too.”
“I wanna ask what happened but I think that we both know. It was a long time ago. We can’t live in the past, right.”
“I used to wonder what happened. Like right now we don’t know each other at all now. Not even say hi, I don’t even know what you’re studying,” I said, sincerely.
“Yep. That’s what it’s like now. I’ve kind of got to admit this.” She took a breathe. “I had a crush on you when we were younger. You were my first crush.” That was 8 years ago.
I came closer to her, so close. I could almost kiss her, I wanted to kiss her. I swear this, she also leaned in. At the last second she chuckled and pulled away. “But not now, not even a little bit. You want to know what happened we could have always been friends. You just had to say hi, one day. Everytime I saw you I said hi and asked how you were. Did you ever try to make the smallest effort. Now you walk past me you don’t even acknowledge me, let alone smile. So don’t think that all of a sudden it’s okay and then try to kiss me.”
All I could say was, “l didn’t want to kiss you.”- Pathetic.
“Okay, whatever. But if you don’t want to talk to me, don’t try. We aren’t friends and will never be again, I don’t even think we were good friends to begin with. But just forget it and just never say anything to me again. You can blame me, blame us but I didn’t change up until I had to. I know every time you see me in the corridor you think ‘damn I used to be friends with that ugly loser’. Well, fuck you I am a loser and I don’t give a fuck what you think. You changed to be a dick. You’re a dick, not the guy who I used to like.”
She walked out and slammed the door. I was not expecting that.
She was so aggravating. The nerve of her, okay I called her here but she didn’t have to come. I didn’t change, did I? Shit I knew i changed. Did she try to talk to me, yes, she did all the time with her niceties, she even spoke to my family. She was bloody right, I knew I was a dick just not as much as she said. Shit, she was right. She wasn’t just some “ugly loser”, it was her. My friend. And one other thing I realised:

Fuck, I think I love her.

Books To Love. Forever.

I wanna read a book. I book without vampires. Or werewolves. Or any supernatural reading. I want to read a book that is pure tragic. Tragic because it makes you cry, it makes laugh and it makes you wish that it never ends. A book that ends in tears. A book with a hard, cruel touch of humanity. Because that’s what life is really like. Those are the stories we should read and cherish. Books that are real and sometimes even wish that they aren’t. Books that you can never change but that can change you.

Comment your favourite book below ^_^