Being a Middle Child Sucks

I’m not sure if it’s like this in all families but TV and my own personal experience back this up. I have a weird family situation but essentially my mum has just me and my brother. So not the middle child here. However my dad has 4 kids and I happen to be the third. 

I’ve always been insecure that I’m the least favourite. One time my dad read my diary and I said he liked them more than me (as well as reading who I was crushing on, which for a 10 year old was absolutely devastating). All he said was that he liked us all the same. 

He could say that a thousand times but I wouldn’t believe him. That’s not the point either way. I just want to know why the eldest are the most liked because they’re the oldest. If you’re doing it because you’ve known them the longest then why are the youngest not the least favourite. Is it because you feel the need to baby them even though they are adults. 

This was stupid. I’m just trying to do this as way to make myself feel better. But who else needs to read a blog post of complete self pity? 

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Happy Birthday To Me

I’m 21 today!! I went out with my friends and had a good time. We had good food, hella chocolate. I was happy. We sang and danced but towards the end I became uneasy. 

I don’t know why. I had this plan of the time I would leave and also exactly what we are doing. So I knew. No surprises. Easy. 

I couldn’t stay out longer than that. It just made me feel anxious. 

I have a small window of me actually being fun to be around. So maybe my time was up. I don’t know if it’s me being genuinely introverted or just feeling unnecessarily anxious.

Why do i feel anxious? I just really wanted to go home.

But I’m going to stop being a negative Nancy and focus on the good side of today. I had fun. Despite wanting to leave early. And also I got my rook pierced so all in all not bad at all. 

Today Was A Fucking Weird Day

So I felt like absolute shit in the morning and me being stupid and not wanting to speak about it with anyone. Just ignored it. Just before I left my house after feeling absolutely awful, I forced myself to text one of my best friends something hella cryptic. 

It was like, with no hello or any greeting just said, “is it okay if i vent to you about something even if you think its stupid?” Fully knowing she was asleep but it had to be her. 

I went to work where I felt surprisingly okay. Like I felt fine, not anxious or panicky. Eventually when I took a five minute break, I just started breathing really heavily and went to the bathroom. I saw my friends reply too. I thought I was fine so was reluctant to tell her about my brief weak moment. She persisted so I told her how I feel really sad and just wanna cry. The fact I don’t feel like myself. 

I only wanted to text her but said that I’d call her after work because she had something to tell me too. 

When we spoke she told me it was bigger than I thought and that her thing seemed so insignificant in comparison. She wants me to see someone. She told me to speak to my mum. She told me to ask our other best friend. She made me not feel like I was being dumb.

I did get home and had this whole family thing. My cousin was around along with my mum, dad and brother. So we had to do some moving and then when that happened, it was me and my mum. I felt awkward like I should ask her what depression feels like, so I don’t need to ask the internet. So once again today, because I knew I wouldnt get this opportunity again, simply asked, “mum what did depression feel like?”

She asked me, without knowing what my reaction would be, “why do you think you have it?” 

And thats when it happened. I cried so much. Like everything I held back just came out and in front of someone I really do not want to stress. Even those posts about me crying not once did I allow myself to do so. The last time I genuinely cried was when 7 years ago when my grandad died. So I was like a baby in my mums arms. She just spoke to me. But I couldn’t say why I felt like this or anything. She couldn’t pinpoint it just like me. She got my brother and once again I started crying. And, boy, I have never seen my brother so concerned. They are all confused. 

My dad then called and then I cried so much over the phone. And he knows I’m not this kind of person. 

My mum wants me to speak to her whenever I feel bad. She wants me to call a helpline if I can’t.

But it is getting to easy to cry.

Why do I feel so bad with such loving people around me? 

Never Be Sad Alone

I think I’m sick of shouting into the void
Only hearing my own echo once again
A lost soul that returns back to a shell which has been destroyed
I guess that’s the end then.

I don’t know why I’ve felt quite down lately but I tried looking into just talking to people. I called some friends but can’t bug them all the time so was looking at people to talk to online.
In the end I feel like my problems mean nothing but it’s hard for people who do need help. So if you’re reading this and you are a poor lost soul then you can talk to me. I don’t know who reads this but I want this to be a safe space. I don’t care if you think your problems aren’t big but if it’s enough to upset you then please drop your email and I’ll reply.