Nameless

I have always hated my name. I can’t remember the last time it was said without spite or malice. It held no meaning, nor had a definition that could be found. At most it was a mess of letters. My father seldom said my name but on those rare occasions where he did indeed utter it, it would only be to scold me or worse. I haven’t heard my name in for a significant period of time either, not from my mouth or anybody else’s. The prominent memories, or only remaining memories, being me laying face down on the bloody ground with sharp pains shooting across my entire body while chocking back tears, a scene which became all too familiar. Over time I learnt the tricks that would not annoy my father, therefore he had no reason to mention my name, whilst everyone else in my presence is too hung up on pleasantries, resulting in them calling me sir or prince.

But now I sit here, in front of a woman I admire and quite possibly love, as I hear as my name rolled of her tongue so beautifully. She said it so nonchalantly in the middle of a conversation, such an innocent setting. Yet I am rendered speechless. As I pause not knowing how to reply, she repeated my name again. Not knowing the effect it had on me. Completely unknowing that I could have cried from the mere sound of it. I haven’t heard it in years and I had completely disassociated from that name.

Then I remembered, the person gave me my name, not my contemptuous father. No, the first lady who loved me and who I had lost too young, had gifted that name with love. I once felt that love from that name. She had picked it out, so carefully, especially for me. “Your name means bravery, bravery to love and to fight. You’re so brave and so strong, my son.”

As my name was repeated in the present day with such care, said with love and it will again from this moment onward. My new beginning had started from that minuscule moment.

I love how she says my name. I love my name.

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Chapter 4

Zed watched Kanna skip into the darkness. “Bitch,” he muttered under his breath whilst pulling his ripped shirt from the dirt and putting it over his head.
“You’re going to have to excuse my baby sister. She’s been through a lot.” Eli shot him his signature closed eye smile. A very genuine smile.
Zed scoffed, “We all have. She’s no exception.” He sat in the dirt leaning on the rock as he observed the fire.
“So what has a young boy like yourself seen?”
“None of your business.”
“You remind me of someone.”
“That’s nice but I’d prefer if you didn’t compare to a pathetic friend of yours in a past life.”
A small snigger came from Eli’s mouth. “Ouch. You’re mean. An old man is just trying to warn you. That pathetic friend did alright. In fact, look for yourself,” he said as he gestured to himself.
Zed observed him, his build was thin and slender upon first impressions but the way he had pinned him, Zed realised that he was a lot stronger than he had seemed.
“Don’t compare me to you.”
“Okay, Zed, let me tell you something nothing is as simple as it may seem.”
“You and your sister travelling together seems simple enough. What is it? The cliché ‘parents died in front of your very eyes and you devote yourself to avenge them’ but before you can, you then realised how royally fucked you are; so you just move, valuing your own life more than anything.”
“You want me to start from the top I will.”
“My parents were killed before my very eyes.”
He groaned to a story he expected.
“They were killed before the war. As a child I lashed out. Became a victim of the system. I had no one. Nothing. Just lived. Did drugs. Committed crimes. Squatted in other people’s houses. Pretty much did anything I could to survive. Then the war started and chaos spread. The dead bodies on the street, the shattered glass. I became intoxicated with it, I felt happy. People were suffering the pain i had been for years. I saw this as an opportunity. I could do whatever I really wanted with not even a risk of punishment.”
“So what did you do? Kill people. Did you shoot a man as he begged for his life, looking at the fear in his eyes as only more ammo as you pulled the trigger and watch yourself becoming a killer. And not hate it.”
Eli was not shaken by the oddly specific description that Zed had painted for him. In fact he chuckled. “I’m thankful I was never that far gone. I did the same shit I always did. I tripped on acid, got high with the same people but just in a bigger playground. I thought I was so bad, I thought I was living how I wanted. I thought that what I did was a big fuck you to everyone who did me wrong. These things that were taboo, but i had been doing it so easily. It’s because there was no one left to tell us, no punishment, no crime, no boredom. In reality, we were just teenagers squatting in someone’s house that didn’t care while other people were dying. I didn’t care because in that moment I was immortal. The feeling of immortality is only heightened when you see more people die. I felt superior.”
“Then one day when we were all tripping. A group of kids our age had bigger plans of saying fuck you. They were the killers you described. They came into our home, our barrier to the shit that was happening outside. They lit it on fire and tried shooting at us from the windows. My best friend sawyer got shot right in the eye and burst out laughing because he was hallucinating. He was enjoying the pain and didn’t even feel his life slip away. Not from the first, second or even third bullet. Some people got an idea of what happened and ran. Well, they tried at least, however the fire spread and their alcohol soaked shirts determined their fate. I didn’t flee I just sat there completely unable to move. One friend pulled me out and threw me out the window, he saved my life. The reliable older brother. We were on the second floor and I had managed to land as safe as possible. I urged him to jumped but he smiled and exploded with the house.”
“So you were the only survivor?”
“Me and Sarah. We survived. She was so fucking crazy. She would occasion trip out and do some crazy shit but most of the time she was clean. She did this crazy stuff like jumping from bridges completely in her right mind. She was fearless.” His eyes lit up talking about her, which urged Zed to ask, “you loved her?”
“Completely. I thought if I lived by jumping out of a house on fire then I could survive if she rejected me. I was more taken aback when she actually said she liked me too. We already travelled and lived together for a year and a half. But now it was different. Now we were together.
“So where does Kanna come into this story?”
Eli laughed. “I completely forgot that’s why story time began. You’re awfully interested in her.”
“Only because that’s why you started it. Explaining why she’s such a bitch.”
“Well if you want to know maybe you should ask her.”
Kanna walked into the camp. “Ask who what?”
“Well, sis, Zed has a question for you.”
“Go on, bastard. Make sure you don’t piss me off.”
Zed cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable with the current situation. “So why are you such a bitch?”
Her blood boiled. “Wrong question.” Before he knew it a small fist came into an uppercut at his chin. “I’m not treating him again.”
Eli unfazed once again. “Nice hit but why hurt an already injured pup?”
“There’s a lake probably 500 km. Dump his body there or treat him. Your choice.”

Chapter Two

Read chapter one. And enjoy 😛

Whilst in the campsite, he had tears streaming down his face, calling for his late wife as he writhed in agony. He heard footsteps approach him. “Kid, aren’t you meant to be going for a walk?”
A large silhouette walked toward him belonging to man, with an impressive build and short hair. “Sorry I am no kid.” The brother sat unfazed but shifted toward his belongings and clutched something from his bag. “then who might you be little boy?”
“I’m not little.” Even though the muscular man was much larger and clearly stronger, there was no doubt that he was younger. 
“Okay boy. My name is Eli.” The tone was used clearly to belittle him.
“Old man Eli.” As Eli leaned in for a handshake, the man lunged at him. Eli used the larger man’s weight against him as he pushed him to the floor causing a tremendous crash. The knife that he clutched moments before was against the intruders neck. “You’re still a kid.”
The intruders eyes did not change as he continued his hostile glare. “So, little boy, whats your name?”
After a moment of silence, he hesitantly replied, “Zed”.
“Thats an interesting name”
He let go of him. “You’re not going to kill me?”
“No, it will be too easy.”
“Don’t screw with me.”
“You can either leave or fetch me dinner.”
“You really don’t think I’ll try to kill you?”
“You might but, right now, it will be too predictable and you don’t come off as a guy who is easy to predict. Kind of like a loose cannon.”
Zed didn’t know how to respond, only shuffled in his spot. “This is the end of the world. Eat or be eaten.”
“Ah, yes. The apparent war. I highly doubt it even existed. Let alone has gone on for this many years.”
“Are you some kind of fool? How can you say there’s no war. The world’s population has plummeted, people are being killed or becoming killers. Look around you this is a time of wat.”
“There’s a difference between war and genocide, boy. We have all suffered but you can’t remain in ignorance. Educate yourself.”
“Then if this genocide, surely there must be a reason for it.”
“Well, you were born while this was ongoing but before, as a race, we were pretty shit. There were too many people with too many different opinions. This caused conflicts. And the higher ups didn’t like that.”
“Who are these these higher ups?”
“People with money and with money derives power with a sense of entitlement. They were born into position of power. They wanted to rule and only wanted more power.”
“This system sounds corrupt.”
“You got it perfectly. If you want to cut a short story down. Then think of this as a very extreme survival of the fittest.”
“But the people who survive are broken. They aren’t advancing. The people left are either completely dominated by fear or strike fear into others. Some people kill for fun not even in the name of anything. How is this evolution?”
“The higher ups being the ignorant people they are thought that our race was better than that. They thought we weren’t like animals but when the time came to it we went back to our primal instincts mixed with a thirst of power.”
“You’re gonna get yourself killed saying things like that.”
“A noble death for a man like me.”
Zed examined him. The friendly attitude, weaker stature combined with proud atmosphere. “A man like you can’t possibly be travelling alone.”
“Ah, sharp and a smart mouth. Those would be the things that kill you.”
“I’m not going to die.”
“A man that thinks he’s a god. This is priceless.” Eli laughed. He looked at the younger man’s face and realised it wasn’t a joke.
“How can you kill what’s already dead?”
Eli knew that the Zed’s heart was still beating and the certainty in his voice shook Eli. This was the first time that this strange man was sincere.

 

Chapter One

A young man stood tall over the mountain side, dripping with sweat from his trek. The light clothing could not help him with the unforgiving sun beating down. The only thing he had was the tattered clothes on his back and the bag slung over his shoulder. Not to mention the small girl running behind him shouting. The strange thing about this pair was not that they were travelling together nor was it the vast age gap. It was the fact that even though they were both exhausted, looking almost dead, they had lacked food and water, and they had not bathed in a week, despite all this they still smiled. “Brother,” the small girl laughed. “We are here.” The man messed up his sisters hair, “we did it, kid.” They looked over a small village just by the river. “Brother we can make it today if we hurry. Let’s run.”
The girl carrying a small bag, not knowing the burden on her brothers body from carrying most of their things. “Stop being a child. You’re 18 now. We can continue in the morning.”
Just as she was getting ready to complain, she saw her brothers exhausted face and the toll that the day had on his body. “You’re a dumbass. Like you said I’m 18, I can carry my share.” She took their things and helped her brother walk. With his arm round her shoulder for support he couldn’t help but laugh. “I did this for you not long ago.”
“My brother is a dumbass.”
They walked silently together until they reached a place to set camp for the night. As she didn’t want him to walk that much she stopped before the sun went down, in fact they still had hours before the sun set. The summer was not kind during the day but helped them at night. She quickly unpacked a sleeping bag for her brother and set him down on it. “Now sleep.”
“Kanna”, he shouted, “thank you.”
“All I did was carry you. You’ve been carrying me everyday for 11 years.”
“It’s not just that. You’ve done more for me than you know.”
“You and Reya have done too much for me. You miss her of course.”
He scoffed, “that crazy girl. I don’t think about her everyday or anything.” He glanced down at his wedding ring, “Damn I miss her.”
“I miss sister too.”
Kanna left. He never cried in front of her and he never wanted her to see him cry so it became a habit that when he looked like he was about to cry she would leave.
She saw a rabbit and started to chase it like a child.

 

Prologue

There once was a time of utter turmoil in the world. The earth was in distress making the idea of living absolutely menacing. Everywhere and everything was war torn.
Those people left behind- Those who did not die in battle, or in poverty, or by the hands of mercenaries-  roamed the land to look for a way to survive. They lived off scraps. They lived alone in their sadness. To be left alive was luck but to live was not lucky. They watched their families die before their very eyes. They saw the devolution of humankind and the death of humanity. They had no solace. They survived for the sake of simply not dying. There were still many people who chose to die by their own hand when the darkness became too much. These people were envied for they had escaped, no pity was wasted on them. 
The battle of the land was over but the war never ended. In this desolate place, the remaining life is often forgotten and the dead live on by their mourners.
However, there may still be life. Over the dull sand and under the blistering heat stood two young adults looking for survival.

Two Thousand and Fifteen

This year I decided to abandon new years resolutions because, let’s be honest, who really abides by them for more than a week. In the past years I have made the same resolutions, if you are at all curious then you can read them here.

Even though I refuse to make resolutions this year there are things I think everyone should do, which I thought of during the past year.

1. Make a bucket list. Cross off at least one thing.

2. Barely pass engineering.

3. A big cliché but be happy. If you look back on the year and aren’t happy with it then it’s your own fault so be happy. Being positive can make such an impact. So ditch the negative atmosphere and be happy, it really can be that simple.

4. This sounds self centred but put myself first. I’m not a people pleaser or anything but I wouldn’t do things i wanted to do purely because I would be too scared or didn’t have enough self confidence.

I did nothing in the last year becuase i thought i had time but I spent most of my year procrastinating. As you can tell not a lot has changed as it’s almost the end of January as I post this.

Time really does go fast and it’s just so strange to think how fast the year actually went. Despite the fact that it went so fast, time didn’t stop it moved fast that you don’t even realise until after reflection. From last year so much has changed. I’ve started university. Made whole new groups of friends. Lost some friends which seemed impossible at the beginning of 2014. I’ve grown (not in height unfortunately). I think I’ve become more confident and less awkward.

I don’t want to talk about our own mortality but you really start to question it as time goes by. You could be gone at any moment so we should choose today to be happy and stay happy. Also the fact that I’ve recently turned 19 and wondered what I’ve done with my life. If I really was gone today then what would I leave behind. A few quid from a job I hate but too lazy to find a new one. Unfinished coursework. Journals and diaries which I’d never allow anyone read. My memories, my mind, everything I have done life dies with me. It is not immortalised by no means. I have no words or achievements great enough to be immortal through history or even stories. So I want to live long enough to change that. This is not a new years resolution it is a lifelong goal.

Have an even better year than the last.

What The Fuck Should I Do Now?

There’s a stage in your life when everyone is telling you what to do. Ideas float past but never stick.
This is the time to decide, it’s seriously time to sort your shit out.

Maybe it’s a small gesture which is introduced or a force that needs to reckoned with. Either way it’s time to realise that you’re not a kid anymore (despite how much you try).

You start thinking about the future but you’re drawn to blank.

From when I was younger, I wanted to be an architect. But they said you have to take art and I said fuck it.

A little while later I wanted to work for grazia but they said its a difficult industry. So I tried thinking of something more realistic.

I then said I want to be nothing. And they said you have to do something.

So now it’s hard, the feelings of having all my old dreams backed up on me realise how unworthy I am of my own dream. A dream I have created.

Now the question I ask is can I be?
Well simply yes but what can I do?

I’m just doing things for the sake of doing it not because I want to. So far it’s been very unfulfilling.

That’s not how I want to live.
But I need to know how to live.

I’m currently interested in either economics or journalism, but i guess I’m just as confused now as I was when I started this.

I know at the end of a post there’s usually a resolution or realisation, but that doesn’t always happen.
I’m writing this for my future self who hopefully has there life together (or as much as I can have). I guess I’m going to have to remind myself that it’s okay to not to know what to do and that’s fine.

But if anyone is looking for a unskilled, talentless teen then you know who to call.

No, seriously I need a job.

Beginnings

“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!”
― C. JoyBell C.

People may have a story to share or a heart wrenching tale which gets them to blog. Well for me I guess it’s just something I’ve wanted to for a while, the idea of something being yours and where you can share anything. But the idea of putting yourself out there is kind of daunting. To be honest I had to build up a lot of nerve to do this. I guess I was just afraid. Of what? Your guess is as good as mine.
Seeing as this is the first blog I wanted to talk about beginnings. I’m not going to lie, but they suck. Simply because something had to end for a new beginning, and at times they’re not always better its about making the best of it.
For me I hate beginnings, it’s starting over. New people, new experiences, new everything, essentially a new life. Sometimes things can change for the better but other times this is not the case.

I wrote this blog because its always something I’ve wanted to do but something held me back. Maybe I was scared of what other people may think or say but I’m tired of being scared. I always considered myself quite a shy, reserved person but I don’t wanna be that all my life. I’m not saying I’ll change right away or change completely because I don’t want that. I guess out with the negative qualities and thoughts and soak up the good and i know it wont happen right away but its a start.