I Can’t Deal With Unwanted Attention

My blog is by no means a relationship feed or filled with articles about boys. I am no Carrie Bradshaw and have no intention to be.
I think I have made it clear on this site that I am destined to be spinster. Especially seeing as I am terrified of commitment and much rather spend time with my friends discussing cats or fictional characters.
I make my need for a relationship clear in real life. With men and women alike, saying that I don’t see myself in a relationship and can’t stand the effort of other people beyond friendship.
But why oh why do guys think that I am not being serious. Why do they think my insults is flirting? Why must they put me on an awkward situation?

I appreciate men who friendzone me and I friendzone them, being friends and understand the boundaries. But some boys think that if I refer to them as a buddy and thinl that they should flirt anyway. My body is not capable of flirting, my childish face, bad hair and chubby stomach screams unattractive. I’m not trying to not look good but it happens.

The experience that spurred this one was that one “friend” who I haven’t seen in a few months, started to be more awkward than usual. In the past I have spoken about girls that he may like and my views on relationships so it’s pretty clear that I don’t want any unnecessary attention. In general I tend to have awkward reactions to very explicit conversations. Today in particular he singled me out of my friends and sat a little to close to comfort. Asked me about things that I haven’t told him, so clearly seen via snap chat months ago. He chose to spend time sitting with me than with his own friends until I told him that he should go. But not before hearing my friend mention something about my bra size under her breath. To which he continued to pester me about which size I really was. I told him very clear that I wasn’t gonna tell him but he made remarks that he wasn’t gonna quit. He then returned and mentioned about it again. My friends just made jokes that they were right that he wasn’t a friend and just an awkward fuckboy.

I haven’t noticed before but I’ve been told many times that he’s checked me out head to toe when my back is turned. Also the fact that he only greets my group of friends when I’m around. Which he makes an effort to sit next to me even asking me to move my belongings and make space for him. The worst thing is when he tries to touch my feet cos I put my legs on the table (with shoes obviously. But it’s still weird.)

People would probably just say if you were attracted to him it would be different. And to that I would say maybe. I haven’t been attracted to a real person I’ve met since I was 13 and I only fall for people with a personality to match mine and I need to know someone very very well before I get those romantic feelings. And I hate that he thinks he knows me well. The reason I’m not attracted to him is because of him. His face is decent and I can see if people are attracted to him but thinking about his face makes me feel sick.

I wanna be nice but don’t wanna give out the wrong impression. I’m done with the inappropriate comments, kissy faces and the touching.

The main reason I wrote this is because I feel weird but at the same time feel like I’m over exaggerating.
Why do guys flirt with friends? Or am I just being too sensitive?

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Writing Challenge: Day Two

Day 2- Open a book at random and pick a line. Use that line as the beginning of your piece and continue writing from where it leaves off. Pen the first thoughts that come to mind and don’t revise it. (Note the first sentence comes from the book ‘The Help’)

I hear the sound of a car motor on the road. It’s such a strange sound to someone who’s never heard it. I’ve read about cars but I’ve never actually seen one. My father once showed me a model of one, I think even he was amazed.
In this town no one had seen a car, let alone owned one. I guess that’s one of the reasons everyone has left from here.

They all dispersed slowly around the world, no longer thinking of their past home in this old town. Not thinking of their old friends. I saw them all leave and they would count on it. “That nice boy, always here, wishing the best for everyone.” There was no reason for me to stay but there was no reason for me to leave either.

This town is just rubble now, it had a few payphones scattered round the town and the rest were houses. I remember a library, only I go there, I don’t see a need for a phone, I highly doubt it works but who would I call. I no longer have friends, they all left me. However, books are always needed, they will always be around.

Sometimes, I miss the people, though. I did try leaving, honestly, I did but I couldn’t. I physically couldn’t step out of the towns boarder. I remember my mum telling me to go where your heart takes you. I wasn’t even able to do that. I miss them. I miss them so much. Why did they get to leave and I couldn’t? Now I’m alone.

I wished everyone else goodbye, who would wish me off?

Suddenly, I remembered the car, maybe I could leave. I didn’t hear them drive off, maybe the driver was amazed there was something here, after all maps don’t even acknowledge this town. So I ran out of the library and bathed in the rays of sunlight because I actually felt good for once. I felt hope. My bare feet hit the hot ground and I saw a young couple around the car looking at the remains of my town.
The man stared right at me in shock, after that moment of shock he quickly hurried his wife back into the car. I screamed after them, begging them to stop but the wife could not hear me and the man chose to ignore me. I tried running to him but it was useless because just like that they were back in the car.

Out of this dreadful town.

But I was still here.

I collapsed to the ground, my knees hit the dirt road. I thought to myself, why was it so difficult for people to listen to me. I used to have so many friends. Was I different to them. I looked down to my hands. They were normal. I touched my face.
Two eyes. One nose. Just like any other person.
I then looked down to my body and remembered. I flopped to the ground with my arms spread out.
The knife stabbed through my chest, the blood that still looked fresh but I knew was not. The last final blow.
I’ve been dead.

Damaged

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I loved him, loved him more than I could’ve imagined.
This was the very reason why I had to let him go. I loved him too much to allow him to get dragged down with a person like me. I prevented him from the perfect life- he had a perfect home, perfect friends, a perfect life if it weren’t for his girlfriend.

It’s possible that he would be upset for a short time but it is for the best- just keep telling yourself that, it might make this remotely bearable.

I didn’t realise I was crying until I saw the tears drop down on the note I was writing.
Not so much a note as a line.
We accept the love we think we deserve.

I had to tell him- in person, there was no point in putting it off any longer.
Every time I took a turn, I pass a place with a reminder of him. The corner where he first asked me out, I looked into his eyes and saw a story. Outside the shop where we had our first kiss, he brushed my hair out of my face and kissed me- my first real kiss.
The park bench. The place where he said he loved me, and hugged me. That’s where we stood a while and we didn’t need words.

Now this was it. I just had to remind myself that I wasn’t good enough for him.

I sat on the park bench as he approached me. “What’s wrong?” he asked with general concern. Fuck. He knew me too well. I looked away from the ground up into his sad eyes. I wasn’t gonna cry again. “I love you, you have to know that.” He smiled weakly and choked out, “I know and I love you.”
I don’t think it’s gonna work out
It’s not you it’s me
Every break up line I could think of but there wasn’t one that was right- only one thing to do, be honest.
“You have a perfect life with a perfect home and perfect friends. I know you love me but I don’t think I deserve you. I mean I’m damaged goods, right? That’s what your friends call people like me. It’s better I don’t drag you down with me.” It all came out like one hot mess. I wanted to fight for him, with him. Instead I chose the cowards way out- just as I was about to run, he grabbed my arm. I pull me close, he pulled my waist close to him and he looked at me with such despair. I have seen this very look before, it was the same one he had when he asked me out, it was sadness. A look someone his age shouldn’t have mastered. But there it was and it’s too bad I wouldn’t be there to know the reason behind it. I knew him and I knew he wouldn’t let me go without a fight.

“Look, before you go, you have to know something. Here come round mine, I have to show you something.”
I thought about it, he never did invite me around before. I just couldn’t. It would make it even harder- for both of us.

That was two weeks ago. Now I stand in the place I said I wouldn’t.
I stood in his room.
It was nothing like I thought it was. I imagined a boys room- posters, clothes everywhere, desk covered with papers. In reality, it was nothing like that. The moment I walked in I could feel the coldness, I felt it to my very soul.
It reminded me of a prison cell rather than anything else. Dark walls, inhumanly neat- the few things in their had a place. Just the bare essentials.
His bed, that’s what he had wanted me to see. Not to sleep with me, no, it was more than that. It was sinister- it was the truth I never got to know. Over his bed there were engravings on the wall in fact, I was more like chicken scratches.
Every word showed how wrong I was about him. He was far from having the perfect life.

Divorce.
As it turns out his parents fought constantly, divorce would have been better rather than him seeing his mum -I quote- “getting treated like shit and beaten”.

Friends. Alone.
His friends, well, I knew they were dicks but not towards him. He has never felt so alone until he met-

Her.
And I turned out to be the worst one. He had his own problems and not once did I ask. I’d assumed his life was perfect but it was far from it.
One of the worst things is that he believed he didn’t deserve me.

Now every reminder, tainted with the dark truth. The look in his eyes where he asked me out- that was more than a story, that foreshadowed a tragedy.
Our first kiss he brushed me hair away, I could remember the pale bruises on his arms. The thought of not knowing how they got there would be the worst thing of all. The thoughts going through my head that was enough to make a person break down. It was enough to make me break down. The strangest thing was I didn’t cry, I didn’t scream, I didn’t even move.
I stood there like a statue, a statue cracking and falling apart. I swear that in that moment I felt something inside of break.
One thought continually preoccupied my mind, it’s the time where we just stood there in an embrace, where for once in my life words weren’t need and completely useless. I ignored those silent sobs, I heard in my ear.

The last words were what would haunt me forever.
The cruel bitter irony cut through me like a knife.
I wished someone ripped my heart out right then.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

Her.

She walked past me. She tried not to but she looked up at me and smiled. A small smile but nevertheless it was a smile.
Her dark, almost black, hair- not messy just not perfect. Her big brown eyes looking away and distant. Her light skin, yeah, she definitely wasn’t perfect. She wasn’t pretty, I wouldn’t say she was ugly but some people called her that anyway.

I would probably like her back if she weren’t such a loser. Despite this I couldn’t help but wonder. We used to be friends, close friends and at one point I couldn’t imagine not being friends with her.
What happened? Well, I thought that obvious- we grew up, we grew apart. There was one thing I was sure, she loved me. Actually, she had a crush on me and I’m pretty sure she still does. I won’t ever get with her but it’s nice to be admired.

I don’t even talk to her. I still talk to her brother from now and then. She’s just an old distant friend, and if you ever ask me I’ll deny this but there was a small chance I liked her.

Now here she stood. Infront of me, just me and her. Nothing to lose, so much to say. But she was a loser.
I don’t know why I called out her name but I did. No one saw us when I asked her in my house. We stood in silence for a while, she was waiting for an explanation to why I shouted out her name.
“Remember how close we used to be?” Thank goodness she spoke first.
“Mm hm,” was all I could reply.
“Fine, don’t talk to me but I’m leaving. Next time you call me I’m ignoring you”. Just as she turned around I said, “yes, I remember we were really close, all of us.”
“I kind of miss it”, she admitted.
I couldn’t lie, not now, not to her. “I actually miss it too.”
“I wanna ask what happened but I think that we both know. It was a long time ago. We can’t live in the past, right.”
“I used to wonder what happened. Like right now we don’t know each other at all now. Not even say hi, I don’t even know what you’re studying,” I said, sincerely.
“Yep. That’s what it’s like now. I’ve kind of got to admit this.” She took a breathe. “I had a crush on you when we were younger. You were my first crush.” That was 8 years ago.
I came closer to her, so close. I could almost kiss her, I wanted to kiss her. I swear this, she also leaned in. At the last second she chuckled and pulled away. “But not now, not even a little bit. You want to know what happened we could have always been friends. You just had to say hi, one day. Everytime I saw you I said hi and asked how you were. Did you ever try to make the smallest effort. Now you walk past me you don’t even acknowledge me, let alone smile. So don’t think that all of a sudden it’s okay and then try to kiss me.”
All I could say was, “l didn’t want to kiss you.”- Pathetic.
“Okay, whatever. But if you don’t want to talk to me, don’t try. We aren’t friends and will never be again, I don’t even think we were good friends to begin with. But just forget it and just never say anything to me again. You can blame me, blame us but I didn’t change up until I had to. I know every time you see me in the corridor you think ‘damn I used to be friends with that ugly loser’. Well, fuck you I am a loser and I don’t give a fuck what you think. You changed to be a dick. You’re a dick, not the guy who I used to like.”
She walked out and slammed the door. I was not expecting that.
She was so aggravating. The nerve of her, okay I called her here but she didn’t have to come. I didn’t change, did I? Shit I knew i changed. Did she try to talk to me, yes, she did all the time with her niceties, she even spoke to my family. She was bloody right, I knew I was a dick just not as much as she said. Shit, she was right. She wasn’t just some “ugly loser”, it was her. My friend. And one other thing I realised:

Fuck, I think I love her.

Broken Promises

Okay, I’m still making up my mind what I think of this one but I’d love for your feedback. Here’s another piece of fiction by me, hope you enjoy.

He bumped into her. Hard. They both fell onto the ground. It wasn’t perfect and the fact that they were both klutzes didn’t make it easier. Even with that it still couldn’t have gone better. He was a gentleman, he helped her up when she fell and from that moment didn’t let her fall again. They knew immediately that they would have huge affects on each others lives just not in the way they imagined.

It was true, they were meant to be there for each other. They could’ve made all the promises they wanted to but eventually, someone will mess up a relationship. In this case it was him. They had a good thing going and were head over heels in love. Their love was ones that people strived for. The kind of love that people would read about. Just not exactly how they imagined it.

He was just a boy out of school, who wanted to give the girl he loved everything. They wanted more. No matter what. Maybe if they weren’t blinded by their “love” then it wouldn’t have come to this.

The boy sat there. He sat next to her and thought about all the times that had shared and promises they made.

He remembered her lying beside on the grass. The sun was shining on her face. She practically glowed. People didn’t think of her as “pretty” but the boy thought she was absolutely beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, people seem to say that a lot but this is the only true way in which it can be used. She illuminated colour and dreams. And ultimately hope. Hope for what, their future, their lives.
Instead now when he looked at her she had the same expression she has had for two months. Blankness. He looked at the face that made him feel hopeful and happy. The face that radiated exactly what he needed. Now it was a plain pale face. Perfectly expressionless.

He remember them sitting on the bench. She told him something no one has ever heard her say before, “I love you”. He squeezed her hand and looked at her in a way that needed no words. But he still said “I love you too. Those words don’t even begin to express how I feel”. That was enough to make anyone feel sick except for those saying it. Because only they can know how good it feels to have your love returned by someone who means so much.
When they parted they held hands for as long as they could. Palm in palm and then parted from their fingertips.
He promised to always hold her and he did until that moment. She kept her promise, she was there for as long as she could.
Now, he took her hand and it had no movement, she didn’t hold him back. It was just a sad boy grabbing a girls hand that couldn’t return the touch.

He watched her walk away. The girl so full of life walked away. The boy experienced the most painful thing anyone can face.
He reminded himself of how she walked. She would straighten her back and try not to slouch. She would trip occasionally. She would look down but when she did he told her that way he couldn’t see her face.
Now he may never see that again.

That night when they walked in opposite directions. She never even saw it coming. He wished he walked her home that night but he didn’t. He couldn’t, he had problems of his own and she respected that. She completely understood, which now makes him even more miserable.

He looked at her face. It was her and yet he couldn’t recognise her not because of the scars or the stitches, just the fact that she stayed expressionless. Before when he looked over at her he saw her smile, he remembered her laughing a bit. He remembered that cheesy grin she had. Even when she was annoyed she had a look, something in her eyes, not everyone could see it but he could. When she was shy, he could tell. Every single face beautiful in its own right.

The thing most beautiful was her. The way she spoke. I haven’t spoken to her in months, I would kill to hear her voice again- the boy thought. She was perfectly imperfect. She stuttered sometimes. She didn’t pronounce some words properly but if you could hear her speak to you like she spoke to him, you would never forget it. He would never forget it nor would he ever want to.

What happened that night he would never forget. He have never experienced so pain, so much agony. It wasn’t physical, it was emotional, which only made it far worse.

He waited for him he said it was the last thing. “Unfinished business” was all it was meant to be. He didn’t expect it to go that far but it did. He just wanted her to have everything. Instead she got nothing, it’s as if he has deprived her of something instead.

She was meant to change the world. She had big plans. She wanted to save lives, make a difference, inspire someone, be remembered.
The boy thought it should’ve been him and that she was so much more than him, maybe he was right. I’m worthless, I gave her nothing. After she gave me so much, these were the only thoughts he allowed himself to think for months, if he thought of anything else it would only make him feel worse.

She has been in a coma for 2 months, 3 weeks and a day. Since then she has had so many visitors, so many that he lost count after the first few days. Her parents practically lived there, her siblings haven’t been out with their friends because they go to see her everyday after school. She has had countless cousins, aunties, uncles and friends come to visit. Even her grandparents are such amazing people.

It’s easy to spot the people she wasn’t close with because they give the boy a weird look, he’s just a stranger to them. He couldn’t blame her parents for hating him. They appreciated the fact he was there, they would buy him meals, tea, whatever and they would allow him to be there. Nothing more. However he could feel their coldness thawing, being replaced by sadness more and more each day.

It should’ve been him. That night he sat there for hours. Waiting to finish what he started. The girl had a bad feeling from the start, the boy told her everything that night. She comforted him and was happy it would soon be over. She was right it would be over, but she would pay the price.
He got mixed in with the wrong people, as simple as that.

Now he remembered everything. He knew it should’ve been him. He was by her side, just them two, alone.

“Babe, I’m sorry. But what’s that gonna do? I’m fucking useless, I couldn’t even make you happy”, he was wrong he did make her happy, they didn’t need anything else. He sobbed but still managed to choke out, “you was- are everything, you deserve to live. Remember you wanted to get married, have kids. You wanted to help people. You had dreams”. He cried and cried but still spoke. “What am I gonna do without you? What is the world gonna do without you?” He kissed her on the nose and her forehead whilst stroking her hair. “I love you so much. You are so loved, you will always be loved. You are going to change the world and I hope I’m there to see it. I love you, you are my everything.”

This is probably the part of the story where the girl, wakes up and says I love you too, then they live happily ever after.

Instead he cried, after months of numbness, he let it out. Her parents and siblings all came in. They all greeted her with a kiss on her forehead. That night, whilst she was surrounded by the people she loved most and they shared their favourite stories of her, is the night she slowly, slowly drifted.

That was it at 00.36.

Nothing Wrong With Dreaming

“I believe in everything until it’s disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it’s in your mind. Who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now?”
— John Lennon

Screw real people. I don’t think I’m a dreamer, I would probably pin myself as a realist. I know real life but I don’t think there’s anything wrong living in your imagination.

Do you want the full hard truth? Well, if you’ve read my previous blogs then you would know that I don’t think of myself as a typical teenage girl. I’m not obsessed with having a boyfriend or sex.
To be honest I haven’t had a proper boyfriend and I have no intention to, yet. I don’t think any guy would want me as a girlfriend.

There is one thing I have in common with these girls though. I want that guy, even though I don’t want a boyfriend now I sure as hell don’t want to be alone all my life. I don’t believe in fairytales but I think everyone should find someone they will be happy with because no one deserves to live alone.

I wrote this because all my friends talk about the perfect guy for each other, who is going to get married first and who they are most likely to end up with.
We do talk about celebrities a lot as well and just like a million other girls out there I love Taylor Lautner. I’m sixteen, there’s nothing wrong with a celebrity crush. To be honest he’s the only reason I watched the twilight movies. Although I enjoyed the last one (but let’s not go to into that).

Now be honest. I won’t ask about what you look for in a guy because this blog was tacky and cliché enough. But who is you celebrity crush?
Everyone has one, some are even embarrassing. I think people love the idea of this so called perfection it blinds us from what they are really like instead we build them up how we want them to be.

Thanks for reading (sorry this blog was kind of amateurish).