One Last Goodbye

Tears may fall from them,

But my grief cannot be seen,

I watch as they mourn.

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Already In A Better Place This Year

This is NOT a New Years post. I have zero resolutions and goals right now. This is a birthday post. Today I turned 22. 

People say that 21 is the age to be and for them it may be but last year I wasn’t in a good place. Looking bad at my posts it seems my slump last longer than I previously believed. I was just in a mood for about half a year where I just felt sad for no reason at all. Like one day I could be perfectly fine pretending to be interesting then 3 seconds later feel like I will burst out in tears. 

I had a lot of downs and then it got to a point where I had no emotions whatsoever. I cried more than I ever have in my life in that period of time. 

Honestly, I really hated myself for feeling like that. Not just feeling sad but helpless. Like I would walk home at night and cry. Then I would quickly wipe my eyes making sure no one would realise I was crying before I entered the house. I can’t pinpoint where it started or even where it ended but writing this kinda makes me feel how I felt then. But I feel fine, I feel like I’ve grown. 

I remember the tears, and how small I once felt. I even remember sometimes when people would talk around me and I would have those out of body experiences where I could actually see life pass by around me and again I felt helpless. I remember the anger. 

And right now I’m feeling good. Like honestly my life right now is not what I want it to be but I feel positive about the future. My mood can easily be put down because life wasn’t easy like I wanted or because I think I’m a shit person.

Last year on my birthday I had plans and things to do like survive university. Things which should make me happy and hopeful. Going out with friends and having a good time. This year I stayed out home watched sitcoms, exercised (Side note: I exercised 3 out of the 4 days of this year, hopefully I can implement this into my life) and just relaxed. When I felt down, people would tell me not to be alone or that having nothing to do puts you down. I can’t control my life but I sure as hell can control how I feel. My being alone didn’t make me feel sad, last year company would distract me from me sometimes but I would get anxious and sad and get the out of body experience would persist but I would have pretend to be normal. I like being alone sometimes (well a lot). But I’m hanging out with friends and family all weekend. And I’m excited. 

Happy New Year and enjoy all the birthdays to come 🙂

Today Was A Fucking Weird Day

So I felt like absolute shit in the morning and me being stupid and not wanting to speak about it with anyone. Just ignored it. Just before I left my house after feeling absolutely awful, I forced myself to text one of my best friends something hella cryptic. 

It was like, with no hello or any greeting just said, “is it okay if i vent to you about something even if you think its stupid?” Fully knowing she was asleep but it had to be her. 

I went to work where I felt surprisingly okay. Like I felt fine, not anxious or panicky. Eventually when I took a five minute break, I just started breathing really heavily and went to the bathroom. I saw my friends reply too. I thought I was fine so was reluctant to tell her about my brief weak moment. She persisted so I told her how I feel really sad and just wanna cry. The fact I don’t feel like myself. 

I only wanted to text her but said that I’d call her after work because she had something to tell me too. 

When we spoke she told me it was bigger than I thought and that her thing seemed so insignificant in comparison. She wants me to see someone. She told me to speak to my mum. She told me to ask our other best friend. She made me not feel like I was being dumb.

I did get home and had this whole family thing. My cousin was around along with my mum, dad and brother. So we had to do some moving and then when that happened, it was me and my mum. I felt awkward like I should ask her what depression feels like, so I don’t need to ask the internet. So once again today, because I knew I wouldnt get this opportunity again, simply asked, “mum what did depression feel like?”

She asked me, without knowing what my reaction would be, “why do you think you have it?” 

And thats when it happened. I cried so much. Like everything I held back just came out and in front of someone I really do not want to stress. Even those posts about me crying not once did I allow myself to do so. The last time I genuinely cried was when 7 years ago when my grandad died. So I was like a baby in my mums arms. She just spoke to me. But I couldn’t say why I felt like this or anything. She couldn’t pinpoint it just like me. She got my brother and once again I started crying. And, boy, I have never seen my brother so concerned. They are all confused. 

My dad then called and then I cried so much over the phone. And he knows I’m not this kind of person. 

My mum wants me to speak to her whenever I feel bad. She wants me to call a helpline if I can’t.

But it is getting to easy to cry.

Why do I feel so bad with such loving people around me? 

A Kiss Goodbye

The dark abyss that forever haunts me

Staring deep into the soul i no longer own

Begging for a kiss to be the key

Another body on a loan
I just continue to float

The life not so bright 

With the words neither said or wrote

I will go down before the fight
The battle that shall never be won

When it should be eternal 

But really it is done 

The loss is final.

I Don’t Feel A Lot Of Emotion

As the title suggests: I am not one to feel a lot of emotion. I think that my range of emotion is mild; a spectrum spanning from discomfort to happiness. I am unsure on how to estimate the level of happiness I genuinely feel because when I experience it I’m quite sure it’s real but when I look back on it im unsure if it was happiness. I begin to get confused as to whether or not I’ve ever actually been happy. I start to define happiness and know that I can’t. In my mind I start to think that if I can’t put a level on it how can I determine how true it is. I don’t know if it’s a character in a sad play or a smile to keep the others around me content.

I guess the reason I do this is because a love them. This is another emotion, I guess, but the love I’ve always experienced is that of fondness. A love for a friend or that of a parent.
When my range of emotions start to play up, I am completely helpless in trying to identify them. It causes me to overthink. Create feelings that were never there. It makes me deluded. It makes me uncomfortable. I am forced to go back to only thinking.

I don’t know if I am able to truly love someone in a romantic way. Sometimes I wish I had someone but I couldn’t give them what they want. I like having friends but often I get confused.

I’ll put it into perspective, simply to show how he was being platonic. I want to emphasise that I like boundaries. I like my own space. But don’t mind an occasional hug from a friend.

The situation: I had cut my hand and he wanted to make sure it was okay but I simply pulled my hand away quite abruptly and chuckled “my hand is a little dry but I’m fine.” I think he thought it was odd but people think of me as odd anyway. Someone I didn’t think I liked, the first time he tried to touch me I had the most awkward reaction.
But why when he said goodbye, and I didn’t want a hug, why was I nervous and why was I sad.
Why am I so sure I don’t like him but feel unsure?

Nothing will happen and our goodbye shall remain as that. This is the end.

My 10% of emotions I feel still lingering so I’ll continue to not have emotions until they’re truly not there.

Maybe I’m Always Sad I Just Don’t Know It

Do you know those moods where you just wanna cry for no apparent reason? The day is just like any other day, exactly the same but you just wanna be sad. You don’t want to move for hours and just wallow in sadness.
But life doesn’t stop for your sadness, you just get on with the day. A forever distraction.
Maybe you feel like this all the time but the world just keeps you busy enough to forget that you’re always sad.
It’s kind of sad that I can’t even be sad.

Feeling Good. Or Not.

I don’t know if anyone else feels like this but I do. Sometimes, I feel really great, as if things are finally turning out okay. Suddenly, I feel sad again. Nothing happens in between that time. I just feel sad for no reason. I try to remember why I was happy but, then, I can’t. Next thing I know I am laying down staring at the ceiling, questioning my whole existence. Why I am here. If anyone will miss me if I go tomorrow. Or what legacy I will leave behind.
It sounds a little extreme. Maybe you will even laugh at my sadness. But this is what being sad does to you. It makes you pathetic.