As the title suggests: I am not one to feel a lot of emotion. I think that my range of emotion is mild; a spectrum spanning from discomfort to happiness. I am unsure on how to estimate the level of happiness I genuinely feel because when I experience it I’m quite sure it’s real but when I look back on it im unsure if it was happiness. I begin to get confused as to whether or not I’ve ever actually been happy. I start to define happiness and know that I can’t. In my mind I start to think that if I can’t put a level on it how can I determine how true it is. I don’t know if it’s a character in a sad play or a smile to keep the others around me content.
I guess the reason I do this is because a love them. This is another emotion, I guess, but the love I’ve always experienced is that of fondness. A love for a friend or that of a parent.
When my range of emotions start to play up, I am completely helpless in trying to identify them. It causes me to overthink. Create feelings that were never there. It makes me deluded. It makes me uncomfortable. I am forced to go back to only thinking.
I don’t know if I am able to truly love someone in a romantic way. Sometimes I wish I had someone but I couldn’t give them what they want. I like having friends but often I get confused.
I’ll put it into perspective, simply to show how he was being platonic. I want to emphasise that I like boundaries. I like my own space. But don’t mind an occasional hug from a friend.
The situation: I had cut my hand and he wanted to make sure it was okay but I simply pulled my hand away quite abruptly and chuckled “my hand is a little dry but I’m fine.” I think he thought it was odd but people think of me as odd anyway. Someone I didn’t think I liked, the first time he tried to touch me I had the most awkward reaction.
But why when he said goodbye, and I didn’t want a hug, why was I nervous and why was I sad.
Why am I so sure I don’t like him but feel unsure?
Nothing will happen and our goodbye shall remain as that. This is the end.
My 10% of emotions I feel still lingering so I’ll continue to not have emotions until they’re truly not there.
Whilst in the campsite, he had tears streaming down his face, calling for his late wife as he writhed in agony. He heard footsteps approach him. “Kid, aren’t you meant to be going for a walk?”
A large silhouette walked toward him belonging to man, with an impressive build and short hair. “Sorry I am no kid.” The brother sat unfazed but shifted toward his belongings and clutched something from his bag. “then who might you be little boy?”
“I’m not little.” Even though the muscular man was much larger and clearly stronger, there was no doubt that he was younger.
“Okay boy. My name is Eli.” The tone was used clearly to belittle him.
“Old man Eli.” As Eli leaned in for a handshake, the man lunged at him. Eli used the larger man’s weight against him as he pushed him to the floor causing a tremendous crash. The knife that he clutched moments before was against the intruders neck. “You’re still a kid.”
The intruders eyes did not change as he continued his hostile glare. “So, little boy, whats your name?”
After a moment of silence, he hesitantly replied, “Zed”.
“Thats an interesting name”
He let go of him. “You’re not going to kill me?”
“No, it will be too easy.”
“Don’t screw with me.”
“You can either leave or fetch me dinner.”
“You really don’t think I’ll try to kill you?”
“You might but, right now, it will be too predictable and you don’t come off as a guy who is easy to predict. Kind of like a loose cannon.”
Zed didn’t know how to respond, only shuffled in his spot. “This is the end of the world. Eat or be eaten.”
“Ah, yes. The apparent war. I highly doubt it even existed. Let alone has gone on for this many years.”
“Are you some kind of fool? How can you say there’s no war. The world’s population has plummeted, people are being killed or becoming killers. Look around you this is a time of wat.”
“There’s a difference between war and genocide, boy. We have all suffered but you can’t remain in ignorance. Educate yourself.”
“Then if this genocide, surely there must be a reason for it.”
“Well, you were born while this was ongoing but before, as a race, we were pretty shit. There were too many people with too many different opinions. This caused conflicts. And the higher ups didn’t like that.”
“Who are these these higher ups?”
“People with money and with money derives power with a sense of entitlement. They were born into position of power. They wanted to rule and only wanted more power.”
“This system sounds corrupt.”
“You got it perfectly. If you want to cut a short story down. Then think of this as a very extreme survival of the fittest.”
“But the people who survive are broken. They aren’t advancing. The people left are either completely dominated by fear or strike fear into others. Some people kill for fun not even in the name of anything. How is this evolution?”
“The higher ups being the ignorant people they are thought that our race was better than that. They thought we weren’t like animals but when the time came to it we went back to our primal instincts mixed with a thirst of power.”
“You’re gonna get yourself killed saying things like that.”
“A noble death for a man like me.”
Zed examined him. The friendly attitude, weaker stature combined with proud atmosphere. “A man like you can’t possibly be travelling alone.”
“Ah, sharp and a smart mouth. Those would be the things that kill you.”
“I’m not going to die.”
“A man that thinks he’s a god. This is priceless.” Eli laughed. He looked at the younger man’s face and realised it wasn’t a joke.
“How can you kill what’s already dead?”
Eli knew that the Zed’s heart was still beating and the certainty in his voice shook Eli. This was the first time that this strange man was sincere.
“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
― Maya Angelou
I don’t believe that there are ordinary people because everyone can achieve greatness. I don’t believe in normal because no one is the same. If you truly believe someone is ordinary then you just don’t know them well enough. People may see me as ordinary, because I’m not pretty or popular- I’m just me. I’m quiet but trust me when you get to know me I’m so much weirder than you could imagine.
I don’t believe ordinary exists but extraordinary does. You may not see extraordinary everyday but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, because its there- it is silent and beautiful. The people you see everyday could have the most extraordinary personality, the biggest problems and most amazing dreams and memories to go. Problems is what makes extraordinary come true, if there were no problems then they would have nothing to arise from, nothing to learn from or to live from.
I know strong people, they have endured so much in life but still can wake up everyday and can still have a great day. These people are those who inspire me not those who turn up in the magazines or are considered heroes by the smallest most irrelevant things. People go through so much hardship, battle so much but leave all the crap and are still great. This is what I aspire to and these are the traits I would like when I’m older; strength, courage, dignity.
For those who did endure such pain probably didn’t get everything they wanted or asked for. The people who were there with you may not have been the right people- not the ones who you imagined. But are these really the wrong people?
My answer is no. People won’t always be with you but whoever wasn’t there with you didn’t deserve to be and those who were they are the right people. They are the ones who stayed when things got bad and stayed despite the flaws, these are the people that should be held onto. And in there own way they are extraordinary.
“Ends are not bad things, they just mean that something else is about to begin. And there are many things that don’t really end, anyway, they just begin again in a new way. Ends are not bad and many ends aren’t really an ending; some things are never-ending.”
― C. JoyBell C.
In my previous blog I wrote about beginnings, I felt that it was fitting to also talk about endings . Endings are never great even if it may be better, people don’t want it because we simply don’t like change.
Coming to terms with endings are never easy too. It’s like saying goodbye to part of your life, to a part of yourself. People can say that they’ll be perfectly content with memories but we can’t live on memories we need to be reminded of it. We need to see these people we have these great memories with.
You walk into a whole new life and the people you love will drift too, but from this it’s about new experiences and meeting new people.
Endings are closure, from the good or the bad. From endings come goodbyes and we forget about the memories and just wonder, what happened? Why can’t things be like this again? From these questions come regrets in which we have to live with. I think the best thing you can do is face up to the problems instead of having to live with them all your life.
I think this builds character and makes you a better person, it shows how you deal with a situations and cliché as it is, how you adapt because in your life you would have experienced this. You need to leave your old experiences and memories in order to create new ones.