The Loss of Innocence

I remember back in the day when I first started to write, my mind would wander and go to the same grotesque and predictable story line so would often just go to a random word generator and use these words to create a story. With the lack of inspiration but need to write lead me to try this once more. The words were as follows:

  1. achieve
  2. proper
  3. glimpse
  4. swarm
  5. retired
  6. temptation

The golden years that I once lived were now dead and buried. The words echoed in my youthful ears: untapped potential. Layabout. Nothing to achieve. No reason for being.

I remember being young. I remember the colours and the hope. Everything was once so vibrant, so new. With plenty of experiences to look forward to. Even the most mundane people were interesting. The teacher the kids would run up to and hug. The family friends who used to come bearing gifts. Even a simple passerby. There was no past, nor a future. It was the now. I lived in the now. I lived.

Those were the times of innocence. The times of purity. When no one could fault me. Even as I grew and learned to be proper with age, I knew that innocence had not left me. Not yet. The feelings were still wrapped in purity, in the form of stolen glimpses and passed notes.

The end of the innocence came too soon, in that moment I finally realised nothing would be the same again. It involved a car, carrying my loved ones but before they could leave it,  it began to fill with screams and fear instead. I remember the blood and the smell of a smokey metal. The men in the neon uniforms which now looked grey, they found me clutching the corpse of the people who protected my innocence for so long, who prayed that I never grow up without them. Those people were never to be seen again by a freak accident or God, or any higher force beyond any comprehension.

Therefore a child of only eleven stands with a suitcase of the few belongings and the weight of the world on their shoulders. I stood at that doorway expecting a swarm of people who used to greet me in my old life but instead an empty room with strangers filled with empty promises. Those people who once bore gifts, only offer hollow apologies. They remind me that I am alone.

Finally at the door is another chance of a place to call home. A promise for the future. A newfound innocence. A family that promised a home after so many declined.

There was the moving from the life I knew to become the new person they want. The abandonment of the past, of the possessions, of myself. Assuming a new identity as a thinly veiled attempt at a new start.

When finally I settle in. The parties start. The memories gap. Those weeks that just become a blur. And these strangers are the ones I call my family. Even though I don’t remember them without a cloud of smoke. The visits with the man with clipboard stop because they don’t seem to care. He has retired or most likely died but like many things I guess I will never know.

As the number of cigarette burns increase, the number of empty bottles scattered around the mattress on the floor. The number of places I have called home has diminished but the places I’ve slept have increased exponentially.

Finally not long after those teen years end in the fast lane, I am used up and broken from the life I now live. The amount of intoxication couldn’t blind me from the hurt or the inevitable self destruction. As I look over at the last bottle of pills on the 23rd floor of a strangers apartment complex and the temptation for the end just intensifies.

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The 30-Day Writing Challenge: Day 7

Day 7: Spoil the ending of your favourite movie without any context.

The handsome man storms the castle with his two new found comrades. It was a miracle that he was alive and even more of a miracle that he broke out of his paralysis so fast, with the from the help of an eccentric old man and his wife.

As a group, they cleverly come up with a plan to scare off the guards without sheer brute force. There are two main goals that these misfits want to achieve: love and revenge.

The handsome man in true fashion defeats the evil prince and saves his princess, whilst in that time still manages to say a great speech. thus, his quest for true love is complete.

By contrast, the other man is after the blood. He is seeking vengeance from the man who destroyed his life, who made his life he once knew disintegrate around him. The man who made him a killer. This ensues an epic sword fight where the noble gentleman is so close to losing, but at the last second, by a divine force, he manages to win.

This man leaves the revenge business and has new prospects. The last gentleman is simply happy to see this friend move on. Finally, they all leave the castle together on white horses.

Then it ends with a kiss. A truly passionate and pure kiss.

[For anyone who has watched this movie it is so obvious, otherwise it probably just seems too cheesy.]

A Kiss Goodbye

The dark abyss that forever haunts me

Staring deep into the soul i no longer own

Begging for a kiss to be the key

Another body on a loan
I just continue to float

The life not so bright 

With the words neither said or wrote

I will go down before the fight
The battle that shall never be won

When it should be eternal 

But really it is done 

The loss is final.

Shadow

I wasn’t a happy child
This didn’t particularly bother me
Never did it make me go wild
Instead I felt somehow free
In all my never ending loneliness

My parents did no wrong in my upbringing
I was just weird
An anomaly or something
Other kids thought of me to be feared
So I never made a single friend

Not until I was nine
I noticed that she followed me for a while
I quickly claimed her as mine
My only friend who was always within a mile
We immediately took a liking to each other

My parents never took a liking like I did
But I think I loved her
She was a weird kid
Like me, we fit together
She was stranger and darker but that didn’t matter, not to me

I really needed her at night
When my parents used to fight
And tell me everything was gonna be alright
So I prayed she would be there with all my might
But she never did appear

For years we grew up by each other’s side
Her company was all I needed
Until she died
Or maybe she was alive
But she would never leave without saying goodbye

I miss her
I’ve made countless more friends
And a string of lovers
But no one meant anything compared to her
I miss my loneliness

Sometimes when I’m walking to work
Through the empty streets
Sometimes busy
I never notice anymore
But sometimes I swear from the corner of my eye that I see her

Lurking behind me that that shadowy figure
That I miss, I still miss her

What The Fuck Should I Do Now?

There’s a stage in your life when everyone is telling you what to do. Ideas float past but never stick.
This is the time to decide, it’s seriously time to sort your shit out.

Maybe it’s a small gesture which is introduced or a force that needs to reckoned with. Either way it’s time to realise that you’re not a kid anymore (despite how much you try).

You start thinking about the future but you’re drawn to blank.

From when I was younger, I wanted to be an architect. But they said you have to take art and I said fuck it.

A little while later I wanted to work for grazia but they said its a difficult industry. So I tried thinking of something more realistic.

I then said I want to be nothing. And they said you have to do something.

So now it’s hard, the feelings of having all my old dreams backed up on me realise how unworthy I am of my own dream. A dream I have created.

Now the question I ask is can I be?
Well simply yes but what can I do?

I’m just doing things for the sake of doing it not because I want to. So far it’s been very unfulfilling.

That’s not how I want to live.
But I need to know how to live.

I’m currently interested in either economics or journalism, but i guess I’m just as confused now as I was when I started this.

I know at the end of a post there’s usually a resolution or realisation, but that doesn’t always happen.
I’m writing this for my future self who hopefully has there life together (or as much as I can have). I guess I’m going to have to remind myself that it’s okay to not to know what to do and that’s fine.

But if anyone is looking for a unskilled, talentless teen then you know who to call.

No, seriously I need a job.

Dystopian

The world we once lived in has passed by us. There was no time to appreciate or treasure it. We lived and killed it and now it’s gone.

For today is a new day in a new world. With the same people. This is not a bittersweet truth, this is a monstrous truth.

The truth of the matter is that the people in this world will feast on you until there is only remnants of what you once were, a hollow being with the same face.

People change and become more and more spiteful, the land becomes more sterile.

Yes, it’s a new scary world. We will live in it and destroy it again- it’s just in our nature. We lose our world, our love, our morals and our hope.

Okay, I think this is the outcome of reading too many dystopian novels. Hope you enjoyed, tell me what you think in the comments.

I Believed In Unicorns

“Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.”
― G.K. Chesterton

I was speaking to my friends and they said that they didn’t believe in myths when they were little. “Scientifically impossible”, they claimed. Apparently they didn’t even believe in Santa Claus nor the tooth fairy. Bullshit. Either they are lying or they had a really boring childhood. One thing I know is that my childhood wouldn’t have been the same without these. I won’t be the same.

Yes, the title is true. I believes in unicorns when I was younger. No, actually I believed in unicorns, fairies, and mermaids. My childhood was the time where I could push boundaries. As a child you can go around and ask for a unicorn and no one would look at you weird. Childhood is like the what ifs of life and gives you a chance to explore this. It’s like a whole different person with a different perspective.

I also believed in dragons, vampires, werewolves and witches. The one thing that it also taught me was they could be defeated. There is a world so much bigger than we know.

It even told me things weren’t what they seemed. Beauty and the Beast is one of my favourite movies because in this the monster isn’t really a monster and the supposedly handsome guy is the real beast. Belle sees this and from that moment on the Beast is no longer considered a beast.

What I’m trying to say is that in life we would face these “monsters” and they won’t even be the problem we think it is. Ultimately we can overcome these obstacles, we may not get the fairy tale but we might be far better off from where we started. I may not believe on fairytales anymore but whose to say they don’t exist. They exist in the imagination of those millions of dreaming kids.

Hoped you enjoyed it. Now if you could choose one mythical creature to exist…