A Kiss Goodbye

The dark abyss that forever haunts me

Staring deep into the soul i no longer own

Begging for a kiss to be the key

Another body on a loan
I just continue to float

The life not so bright 

With the words neither said or wrote

I will go down before the fight
The battle that shall never be won

When it should be eternal 

But really it is done 

The loss is final.

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Goodbye

She was a stranger. She smiled at me. She was cute and didn’t look like a trouble maker like other kids. She helped me up when I fell. I asked her, “why are you so nice to an old lady?” She replied plainly that it was “because were the same, I need someone to help me up, when I fall too.” That made me like her.
So I watched her as she smiled and walked off. Mumbling a word I couldn’t hear.

She was in my school. She was just a girl, she got annoyed and would argue and curse but she was happy. Not content, actually happy. She wasn’t the prettiest, she was nice enough, but didn’t really want to be there sometimes. I remember asking her one time what she would do afterwards and she said “to be honest I just want to get out of this shithole. I wanna help people, make them smile.” These words made me respect her.
I saw her smile as she continued to daydream. Mumbling a word I couldn’t hear.

She was my friend. Offering kind advice and being there for everyone. Joking around and laughing together. She had a fiery personality but a bit shy with everyone else. She would consult a friend about a boyfriend even if she didn’t give a shit, she would do it. She was there and that was enough.
She would just do it and move on. She said words that sometimes I couldn’t hear but before I could ask she was already gone.

She was my sister. We got on, fought then quickly reconciled and because of this I knew that in the end we would always be okay. She told me about her day. We would support each other. We never said it to each other but knew it anyway- we loved each other. “Remember that time you hit that boy?” I asked. “Yeah. Good times. Remember that time when we were little and you cut my hair,” she said. We did this a lot reminisced and laughed about it.  “Remember that you let me.” That was it just us remembering.
She laughed and strolled off. Mumbling a word I couldn’t hear.

She was my daughter. She was happy and grateful. She wanted to make a difference and live. She wanted to be her. She wasn’t confident, but she knew who she was and what she wanted to be. We would talk about what we would do together, just making plans.
She would grin and wander off. I hate how she would mumble but now I regret not hearing those words.

She was my daughter too. We know we loved on another but it didn’t hurt to say it. “I love you,” she would say. “I love you too baby”, she would always be my baby.
She kissed me on the cheek and pranced off and said the word

Goodbye

Goodbye A Levels

All my bitter memories
Taken by one black bin bag
A heavy burden of sadness and nostalgia
Ripping through these bags

They are gone
These memories are not yet forgotten

All those years
Filled with drawings
Writings
Pictures

My memories

Will never leave

Because they are no longer bitter
They are sweet

I regret nothing

Two Thousand and Fifteen

This year I decided to abandon new years resolutions because, let’s be honest, who really abides by them for more than a week. In the past years I have made the same resolutions, if you are at all curious then you can read them here.

Even though I refuse to make resolutions this year there are things I think everyone should do, which I thought of during the past year.

1. Make a bucket list. Cross off at least one thing.

2. Barely pass engineering.

3. A big cliché but be happy. If you look back on the year and aren’t happy with it then it’s your own fault so be happy. Being positive can make such an impact. So ditch the negative atmosphere and be happy, it really can be that simple.

4. This sounds self centred but put myself first. I’m not a people pleaser or anything but I wouldn’t do things i wanted to do purely because I would be too scared or didn’t have enough self confidence.

I did nothing in the last year becuase i thought i had time but I spent most of my year procrastinating. As you can tell not a lot has changed as it’s almost the end of January as I post this.

Time really does go fast and it’s just so strange to think how fast the year actually went. Despite the fact that it went so fast, time didn’t stop it moved fast that you don’t even realise until after reflection. From last year so much has changed. I’ve started university. Made whole new groups of friends. Lost some friends which seemed impossible at the beginning of 2014. I’ve grown (not in height unfortunately). I think I’ve become more confident and less awkward.

I don’t want to talk about our own mortality but you really start to question it as time goes by. You could be gone at any moment so we should choose today to be happy and stay happy. Also the fact that I’ve recently turned 19 and wondered what I’ve done with my life. If I really was gone today then what would I leave behind. A few quid from a job I hate but too lazy to find a new one. Unfinished coursework. Journals and diaries which I’d never allow anyone read. My memories, my mind, everything I have done life dies with me. It is not immortalised by no means. I have no words or achievements great enough to be immortal through history or even stories. So I want to live long enough to change that. This is not a new years resolution it is a lifelong goal.

Have an even better year than the last.

Do Looks Really Matter?

If you read my previous posts you would know that I talk about how looks aren’t important and that looks fade. And this is true, I agree with these these theories.
Some Internet trolls will say it’s because I’m ugly and they’re right I’m ugly as f*ck. But I’ve learnt to be okay with that. Looks aren’t that important to me.

So why did I spend a half hour looking at “how to be pretty” on the Internet?
This inevitably lead to a chain of more superficial searches. But the biggest question is why did I do this.
Your guess is as good as mine.

But eventually I came to my final search which was do looks really matter?
And I read one page when I realised how idiotic and futile it is.

Everywhere I turn I see beautiful people, and and then there’s me. I usually I think “it’s okay I’ve got a personality and my health”.
But this time it got to me. I feel like I have no personality and I’m dumb and ugly so I’ve got to work on being pretty and smart and interesting.

Then I realised what is true beauty anyway. It’s different to everyone, it’s different to me, to you reading this, to your parents (to your pets?).
For me true beauty is acceptance and kindness, acceptance with who you are but your kindness to help those who need it. It’s those with a soul, instead of selling it to the devil.

I’m not saying I’m not ugly, I’m just saying that I can better myself instead of changing completely. The first thing would be to be comfortable with me.

I’m writing this be cause I want to be honest. Looks don’t determine my self worth, my looks have made me what I am today. I love the person I am, seriously I could have been way worse. The people who don’t mind the way I look are the people I can get along with.

I’m glad I did do those idiotic searches because it has shown me how stupid it was what I was doing. My last search was “do looks really matter?” and I didn’t look at any websites because I already knew the answer.
The conclusion got me one step closer to the person I want to be.
Of course I’m still insecure but I’ve still got time to figure it out, these teenage years are the time for self discovery and my insecurity goes hand in hand with that.

Alone.

Alone.
All alone
I’m all alone.
All alone
Alone.

The room, the dingy, small room stretched out before me. There was no way out. There was nothing to do.

So I did what any rational person would do.
I curled up into a ball and cried.
I cried for I don’t know how long.
I cried until there was nothing left.

When I stopped, when I was physically unable to cry any more. I got up. I could feel my hair static, tears dried on my face. I looked horrible.
Yet I still put my self in front of the mirror. My eyes wide, with several dark rings like someone had punched me- I wish it were that simple. My hollowed out face, too skinny to be alive. But why am I still walking? Even though every single step hurts, it hurts even more than the last.

I will show you how beautiful you are. A memory

I turned away from the mirror. I couldn’t handle it. From my sickly grey skin to my empty sad eyes. I was staring at a stranger.
But the person I once was is a distant memory.
So where did that leave me? Who was I?

You are beautiful.
Before.

I would I have walked away but before I could the walls were closing in around me. They were coming closer, and I was helpless. All I could do was stand there and wait for the pain to stop.

I woke up to what felt like weeks later. Still feeling groggy and looked around hoping it was all a dream. No it was all the bitter reality.
Something was different I wasn’t alone. There was someone with me.
In the shadows they were simply a figure, only when they stood up out of the shadows did I realise who it was.

She hadn’t changed. Her hair, her face, her height. All except her expression, cold and hard.
I was glad when she had not changed now there may be hope and I haven’t missed out on anything.

“Hello”.

Her face remained stern.
And we remained silent for a long while.
She didn’t move, or talk and it seemed like she didn’t even breath.
“How are you?”
This question annoyed her. For a brief second her face softened, to something familiar, something human.

“How do you think I am? You left me. Is that the answer you want. What kind of mum does that to her child?”

“I’m sorry”. Was all I said, what else could I say?

“For all those years you missed, of missed performances, assemblies, exams. You’re sorry”.

The tension could be cut with a knife and I did the worst thing, I stayed silent.

“No”, she laughed cynically. “You’re not sorry, that’s beyond your capability. You have no human emotion, your not honest or sincere,or happy or even sad.”

I stayed quiet because I knew it was true. I looked back to a time when I showed one emotion toward her. But I couldn’t find one
So she went on.

“You always wanted me out of the house, was I such a terrible person that my mother couldn’t even stand to be around me.
I wasn’t good enough so you signed me up for everything extracurricular possible.
Even after all that, you left me.
The saddest part was you were all I had.
You wouldn’t even let me have friends around, you wanted me to be as lonely as you.
Well congratulations you got your wish. I’m 27 and still am single. I’m just as inhuman as you.”

Then I saw her, I really saw her. A lady, beautiful even with her hair in her face, in frumpy clothes.
Then I remembered how shy she was.

I will show you how beautiful you are.

Then my world crumbled down.
The walls collapsed.

Then my thoughts came out.
“The reason I made you leave the house was so you would explore the world. You could see there was more beyond the world than this dirty small house.
You were good enough, but do you ever wonder if you would be this smart or athletic if I didn’t sign you up for endless classes. I bet you have a well paid job as a doctor now. I bet a million guys chase you but your too shy to realise. If not for your looks but your personality, not even I could break you out of your spirit.
You’re friends weren’t good for you, they never were.”

The worst thing was she didn’t shout back, or fight me. She hugged me, she forgave me for missing out on over twenty years of her life.

She hugged me while I sobbed.

But even with tears streaming down my face I could see from the corner of my eyes, my daughter calling the institute.

My own flesh and blood sending me back to that place.

I’m not crazy.
I’m just alone.

Broken Promises

Okay, I’m still making up my mind what I think of this one but I’d love for your feedback. Here’s another piece of fiction by me, hope you enjoy.

He bumped into her. Hard. They both fell onto the ground. It wasn’t perfect and the fact that they were both klutzes didn’t make it easier. Even with that it still couldn’t have gone better. He was a gentleman, he helped her up when she fell and from that moment didn’t let her fall again. They knew immediately that they would have huge affects on each others lives just not in the way they imagined.

It was true, they were meant to be there for each other. They could’ve made all the promises they wanted to but eventually, someone will mess up a relationship. In this case it was him. They had a good thing going and were head over heels in love. Their love was ones that people strived for. The kind of love that people would read about. Just not exactly how they imagined it.

He was just a boy out of school, who wanted to give the girl he loved everything. They wanted more. No matter what. Maybe if they weren’t blinded by their “love” then it wouldn’t have come to this.

The boy sat there. He sat next to her and thought about all the times that had shared and promises they made.

He remembered her lying beside on the grass. The sun was shining on her face. She practically glowed. People didn’t think of her as “pretty” but the boy thought she was absolutely beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, people seem to say that a lot but this is the only true way in which it can be used. She illuminated colour and dreams. And ultimately hope. Hope for what, their future, their lives.
Instead now when he looked at her she had the same expression she has had for two months. Blankness. He looked at the face that made him feel hopeful and happy. The face that radiated exactly what he needed. Now it was a plain pale face. Perfectly expressionless.

He remember them sitting on the bench. She told him something no one has ever heard her say before, “I love you”. He squeezed her hand and looked at her in a way that needed no words. But he still said “I love you too. Those words don’t even begin to express how I feel”. That was enough to make anyone feel sick except for those saying it. Because only they can know how good it feels to have your love returned by someone who means so much.
When they parted they held hands for as long as they could. Palm in palm and then parted from their fingertips.
He promised to always hold her and he did until that moment. She kept her promise, she was there for as long as she could.
Now, he took her hand and it had no movement, she didn’t hold him back. It was just a sad boy grabbing a girls hand that couldn’t return the touch.

He watched her walk away. The girl so full of life walked away. The boy experienced the most painful thing anyone can face.
He reminded himself of how she walked. She would straighten her back and try not to slouch. She would trip occasionally. She would look down but when she did he told her that way he couldn’t see her face.
Now he may never see that again.

That night when they walked in opposite directions. She never even saw it coming. He wished he walked her home that night but he didn’t. He couldn’t, he had problems of his own and she respected that. She completely understood, which now makes him even more miserable.

He looked at her face. It was her and yet he couldn’t recognise her not because of the scars or the stitches, just the fact that she stayed expressionless. Before when he looked over at her he saw her smile, he remembered her laughing a bit. He remembered that cheesy grin she had. Even when she was annoyed she had a look, something in her eyes, not everyone could see it but he could. When she was shy, he could tell. Every single face beautiful in its own right.

The thing most beautiful was her. The way she spoke. I haven’t spoken to her in months, I would kill to hear her voice again- the boy thought. She was perfectly imperfect. She stuttered sometimes. She didn’t pronounce some words properly but if you could hear her speak to you like she spoke to him, you would never forget it. He would never forget it nor would he ever want to.

What happened that night he would never forget. He have never experienced so pain, so much agony. It wasn’t physical, it was emotional, which only made it far worse.

He waited for him he said it was the last thing. “Unfinished business” was all it was meant to be. He didn’t expect it to go that far but it did. He just wanted her to have everything. Instead she got nothing, it’s as if he has deprived her of something instead.

She was meant to change the world. She had big plans. She wanted to save lives, make a difference, inspire someone, be remembered.
The boy thought it should’ve been him and that she was so much more than him, maybe he was right. I’m worthless, I gave her nothing. After she gave me so much, these were the only thoughts he allowed himself to think for months, if he thought of anything else it would only make him feel worse.

She has been in a coma for 2 months, 3 weeks and a day. Since then she has had so many visitors, so many that he lost count after the first few days. Her parents practically lived there, her siblings haven’t been out with their friends because they go to see her everyday after school. She has had countless cousins, aunties, uncles and friends come to visit. Even her grandparents are such amazing people.

It’s easy to spot the people she wasn’t close with because they give the boy a weird look, he’s just a stranger to them. He couldn’t blame her parents for hating him. They appreciated the fact he was there, they would buy him meals, tea, whatever and they would allow him to be there. Nothing more. However he could feel their coldness thawing, being replaced by sadness more and more each day.

It should’ve been him. That night he sat there for hours. Waiting to finish what he started. The girl had a bad feeling from the start, the boy told her everything that night. She comforted him and was happy it would soon be over. She was right it would be over, but she would pay the price.
He got mixed in with the wrong people, as simple as that.

Now he remembered everything. He knew it should’ve been him. He was by her side, just them two, alone.

“Babe, I’m sorry. But what’s that gonna do? I’m fucking useless, I couldn’t even make you happy”, he was wrong he did make her happy, they didn’t need anything else. He sobbed but still managed to choke out, “you was- are everything, you deserve to live. Remember you wanted to get married, have kids. You wanted to help people. You had dreams”. He cried and cried but still spoke. “What am I gonna do without you? What is the world gonna do without you?” He kissed her on the nose and her forehead whilst stroking her hair. “I love you so much. You are so loved, you will always be loved. You are going to change the world and I hope I’m there to see it. I love you, you are my everything.”

This is probably the part of the story where the girl, wakes up and says I love you too, then they live happily ever after.

Instead he cried, after months of numbness, he let it out. Her parents and siblings all came in. They all greeted her with a kiss on her forehead. That night, whilst she was surrounded by the people she loved most and they shared their favourite stories of her, is the night she slowly, slowly drifted.

That was it at 00.36.

Waiting for the Answer

I just sat there. So helpless, so useless. I sat there on the hard blue chairs, surrounded by those spotlessly clean, white walls. I sat there, waiting.

The clock kept ticking and ticking, it’s been an hour. Two hours. Three. Four. I just stopped counting, what exactly was I waiting for? I was trapped by those walls and couldn’t possibly leave. I didn’t want to leave.

I felt like it was just me. Alone.
It wasn’t though, I could hear the machines bleeping, the kids playing, their parents praying. It wasn’t just me. This wasn’t about me anymore, it never was to begin with.

Just a boy who couldn’t love. However boy met girl and they fell in love. It’s like she was waiting for me but now I waited for her. We didn’t get our happy ending yet. I wondered if we ever would.

The way she smiled, I thought while I buried my face buried in my hands. She always seemed so happy but looking back it seemed like I looked through her like everyone else. I was no different.

The night we watched a cheesy movie and we were making fun of it the whole night. She laughed so much and I loved every minute being with her. She was in fact so different.

Then I remembered the afternoon I found her vomiting. She just finished eating. I didn’t realise she how small she had gotten until that moment. That was our biggest argument and our relationship wasn’t the same after that. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love her the same, if anything more. I felt as though she needed me.

The morning I found scars patterned on her arms. She cried, she broke down. They were so deep and she was so fragile. I never would have guessed behind her laughter was screams. Behind her smile was agony.

She promised she would stop but clearly she didn’t. Maybe stopping was a way of saying she would hide it better.
She stopped cutting on obvious places like her arms and instead cut places I didn’t check. I checked every other day and didn’t tell anyone because she promised she would stop and I believed her.

Now I sit here, waiting for answer.
Did I want her to live? She could still harm herself, treat her body badly. She would only be prolonging her pain. In the end it would still catch up with her. Death could’ve been an escape for her. From her life, people- and from me.

However I didn’t want her to die. She could’ve changed. There was nothing to get away from wasn’t the most popular but she had friends, she wasn’t perfect but that didn’t mean people didn’t love her. She could’ve had a happy life, maybe not even with me but with someone. She would’ve had kids. She would have been the mum that is the first to apply for everything, attends all the evenings and meetings. The one that loves with all her heart.

I heard the door open abruptly and took me out of my trail of thought. My head shot up and I got the answer I needed.

This is a subject I feel very passionate about because it affects so many people.
I think it would be interesting to see how everyone else thought it would end. Write the ending 🙂 thanks for reading.

Who inspires you?

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”
— Marilyn Monroe

People with stories. People with a terrible past. People who live.
Writing has made me wonder who inspires you? Maybe a tv character, an athlete, a celebrity, anyone. Some of them I don’t understand, some I do.

The people who inspire me are my family. They are great people, they will be behind me always and despite everything. They haven’t had everything but they rise above it. They are fighters.

Really, the smallest things can influence me.
These guys on YouTube was another thing inspired me to also write these blogs. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s there videos they’re amazing. It’s the sort of videos you could watch over and over again. (If you’re wondering- these people are called Wong fu productions- you should check them out.)

Even with the smallest things that inspire me, my family always have some influence. We all have it- my mum, dad, brother and sometimes that aunt who you realise is so brave, my grandma who you just love and has always been strong, that immature uncle who can just make you laugh.

Now, who inspires you? Leave a comment below 🙂

Thanks for reading

Life Goes On

“He who opens a school door, closes a prison.”
— Victor Hugo

I’ve have kind of been experiencing writers block lately so I really don’t know what to write about. I decided I’ll just talk about school.
It comes across like I really hate school- I do hate it but sometimes there are them moments that really do make it worth it. The memories. The experiences.

Ugh, gosh back to school. Half terms over and so I’m back to that hellhole. I hate school, everyone’s too fake or trying so hard to be fake, they don’t realise what terrible people they are. Everyone else is either too judgmental or sucking up to the so-called “populars” to care.
To me it just feels like you and everyone else. Even when you finally let someone in and they do something that makes you wish you didn’t. People will always let you down. People are perfect but no one is- as long as they put up with your flaws, you should put up with theirs. I think friendship is loving them despite this.

Whenever you say to someone you can’t wait to get out of school they say that you will miss it and it really is the best time of your life. Alright, face it times have changed and I’m not you. Sure, you will miss your friends, but memories have been made and now it’s gone. The people who really meant anything are still with you and will be.
What else is there to miss, the cliques? The constant pressure? The people telling you that you’re not good enough?

For some people this is truly the best time of your life, which is truly depressing. So get your bags ready and relish in the future disappointment.
How sad do you have to be to think that the best times of your life is one moment. The best times are never truly over. You go to school to get a better life, it isn’t your life. It defines you but in no way does it become you.
After school feel free to look back at these times but never wish to go back. There is always ways to make new memories and live a life.

This is a cynical view but its my view. Maybe one day it won’t but for now it is.

Thanks for reading.