Okay let me try to put this into perspective. I’m a pretty unconfident nervous motherfucker. I have ridiculously low self esteem so interviews for me have always been a challenge. Because of this I always prepare. I write down perfect answers and practise. This has lead to past success. I haven’t had many interviews admittedly, a few for uni and a few for jobs so yesterday the success rate was 100%. Which for someone who is nervous and scared that they never get it is such a big achievement.
As I applied to placements with my failure of last year’s grades weighing on my shoulders, I dealt with a lot of rejection letters without even getting an interview. I finally landed an interview. On the day of my exam when I had work a day before and 3 days notice for the interview. With the stress of work and the exam, I couldn’t practise or prepare. I somehow gained confidence and convinced myself to rely on my wit and my love for engineering. My track record was good and I was convinced if they met me then I would be fine.
Long story short, I got rejected for the first time after an interview. I wasn’t surprised, I was convinced they liked me but the interview was a mess. I was a mess. I got tripped up on discussing my weaknesses and ultimately ended up saying “I can’t think of any weaknesses” then quickly scrambling my mind for weaknesses. Such a common question.
It’s harder than when they reject you after they meet you and especially when you can really see yourself being there. It’s hard building something in your mind and having it taken away. Goodbye engineering placement, I’ll try again because I’ve got to get my track record back up again.
Comment some of your interview stories, I’d love to hear it!
This is long overdue. I guess this is kind of an update considering I haven’t posted in a while (despite my promise). So I am going to write about myself, if you don’t care (I don’t blame you).
To be honest not much has happened however I did receive my a-level grades. (if there are any non Brits reading this a levels are the exams that 16-18 take). I got BBBC, the C was in English Literature which was a major disappointment. I’m also sad because I dropped it today.it was my favourite subject, I would actually look forward to it but my future in writing doesn’t look bright. I’m happy writing here, if anyone actually reads this. As of now I’m that boring bastard that took science and maths based subjects.
Its not all a let down though because at the beginning of the year one of my teachers told me I would be lucky to get a D in her subject and remained a bitch to me but perseverance paid off and I got a B (which isn’t amazing but hey, its not a D). She also congratulated me (probably because I got higher than her favourite student) which I responded by saying that I exceeded her expectations of me. Which actually felt quite good. All I can say is never let anyone label you especially if that label is not good enough. Prove those bastards wrong, because pranks and talk that’s not proving them wrong. In the words of Gerard Way “real revenge is making something of yourself”. Which I intend to do. To be quite honest my difficulty isn’t proving other people, it’s proving it to myself.
What else? I’ve been working (yes an actual job).
Still watching too many YouTube videos.
Currently I’m writing this whilst listening to my chemical romance.
So today was a fucking fun day. I got the lowest grade I have ever gotten in English. And guess what it counts for almost quarter of my grade.
Have you ever had a moment even your life when you realise everything your thought was something else. That’s what happened today. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, I want to write and write but apparently I can’t even do that right.
Your probably thinking that’s its dumb to get so upset about this but for me it isn’t. This was the moment that I saw that the one thing I thought I could do, I couldn’t.
Everyone has one thing going for them well not me.
What’s annoying is that people say “oh my god I tried so hard”, and they are upset when they get a higher grade and they know they are talking shit- because they didn’t try. My teacher even went around to everyone and explained to them why they did wrong- you know what I got? A fucking paragraph I couldn’t even bring myself to read.
It’s ironic, isn’t it? I’m talking about how crap I am at writing but I’m expressing it through writing. Well, my words are even failing me now.
“The worst way to miss someone is to have them sitting right next to you and know you can never have them.”
Who still remembers their first crush? Not just a name but how old you were, why you liked them, how they made you feel. Just everything.
I remember mine and how I felt at the time. Butterflies, yeah they’re cute and at the time I didn’t mind it. Maybe there great for other people because they like the feeling but it isn’t for me. I’m nervous and awkward enough as it is, some people look really cute when they have butterflies. I feel sick as I’m not great with emotions and feelings, I can’t even stand when people cry simply because I don’t know what to do.
Crushes are okay if you really believe that it could be more and I thought that at one point, but there aren’t always fairytale endings for some people.
My first crush was a really good friend and I was too scared to tell him how I felt because I knew I would ruin our friendship and he would never like me back. I know exactly why- because I’m ugly, awkward and well a “loser”. I guess it didn’t bother me at least he was a friend and I knew we would be friends for a long time.
But I was wrong we quickly started to drift apart and now he doesn’t even acknowledge me. I see him all the time and he looks at me like a stranger. No greeting or smile- just nothing.
I guess I’m a bit upset that I didn’t tell him because know when I think about it I wonder what he would say. At the same time he quickly forgot me so it shows how strong our “friendship” was. So I kind of saved myself the embarrassment and effort. Looking back I really couldn’t care less.
People will come and go in your life no matter how much you wish otherwise. Sometimes you don’t get a proper hello or goodbye but you know when this happens. Sometimes it may not even be a goodbye. Some people will never truly say goodbye to their loved ones, this can be a positive as well as a negative.
What brought this on was that I was watching old videos and he was in it. I looked at him in such a weird way which I thought was kind of cute but also embarrassing. To be honest I wanted to be a typical teen and just crawl into a ball and cry. Then I thought about it and said no. Seriously what good would that do, it won’t solve anything and he wasn’t worth the trouble.
I got plenty of time in life to think about boys and marriage, so right now I’m not going to stress about it. For now I’m over crushes, I’m gonna sound selfish and say that right now I’m going to worry about me.
As a young person now we have so much to stress about- so this is one less thing to stress about.
Just because there are no fairytale endings doesn’t mean there aren’t happy endings.