I Can’t Deal With Unwanted Attention

My blog is by no means a relationship feed or filled with articles about boys. I am no Carrie Bradshaw and have no intention to be.
I think I have made it clear on this site that I am destined to be spinster. Especially seeing as I am terrified of commitment and much rather spend time with my friends discussing cats or fictional characters.
I make my need for a relationship clear in real life. With men and women alike, saying that I don’t see myself in a relationship and can’t stand the effort of other people beyond friendship.
But why oh why do guys think that I am not being serious. Why do they think my insults is flirting? Why must they put me on an awkward situation?

I appreciate men who friendzone me and I friendzone them, being friends and understand the boundaries. But some boys think that if I refer to them as a buddy and thinl that they should flirt anyway. My body is not capable of flirting, my childish face, bad hair and chubby stomach screams unattractive. I’m not trying to not look good but it happens.

The experience that spurred this one was that one “friend” who I haven’t seen in a few months, started to be more awkward than usual. In the past I have spoken about girls that he may like and my views on relationships so it’s pretty clear that I don’t want any unnecessary attention. In general I tend to have awkward reactions to very explicit conversations. Today in particular he singled me out of my friends and sat a little to close to comfort. Asked me about things that I haven’t told him, so clearly seen via snap chat months ago. He chose to spend time sitting with me than with his own friends until I told him that he should go. But not before hearing my friend mention something about my bra size under her breath. To which he continued to pester me about which size I really was. I told him very clear that I wasn’t gonna tell him but he made remarks that he wasn’t gonna quit. He then returned and mentioned about it again. My friends just made jokes that they were right that he wasn’t a friend and just an awkward fuckboy.

I haven’t noticed before but I’ve been told many times that he’s checked me out head to toe when my back is turned. Also the fact that he only greets my group of friends when I’m around. Which he makes an effort to sit next to me even asking me to move my belongings and make space for him. The worst thing is when he tries to touch my feet cos I put my legs on the table (with shoes obviously. But it’s still weird.)

People would probably just say if you were attracted to him it would be different. And to that I would say maybe. I haven’t been attracted to a real person I’ve met since I was 13 and I only fall for people with a personality to match mine and I need to know someone very very well before I get those romantic feelings. And I hate that he thinks he knows me well. The reason I’m not attracted to him is because of him. His face is decent and I can see if people are attracted to him but thinking about his face makes me feel sick.

I wanna be nice but don’t wanna give out the wrong impression. I’m done with the inappropriate comments, kissy faces and the touching.

The main reason I wrote this is because I feel weird but at the same time feel like I’m over exaggerating.
Why do guys flirt with friends? Or am I just being too sensitive?

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Her.

She walked past me. She tried not to but she looked up at me and smiled. A small smile but nevertheless it was a smile.
Her dark, almost black, hair- not messy just not perfect. Her big brown eyes looking away and distant. Her light skin, yeah, she definitely wasn’t perfect. She wasn’t pretty, I wouldn’t say she was ugly but some people called her that anyway.

I would probably like her back if she weren’t such a loser. Despite this I couldn’t help but wonder. We used to be friends, close friends and at one point I couldn’t imagine not being friends with her.
What happened? Well, I thought that obvious- we grew up, we grew apart. There was one thing I was sure, she loved me. Actually, she had a crush on me and I’m pretty sure she still does. I won’t ever get with her but it’s nice to be admired.

I don’t even talk to her. I still talk to her brother from now and then. She’s just an old distant friend, and if you ever ask me I’ll deny this but there was a small chance I liked her.

Now here she stood. Infront of me, just me and her. Nothing to lose, so much to say. But she was a loser.
I don’t know why I called out her name but I did. No one saw us when I asked her in my house. We stood in silence for a while, she was waiting for an explanation to why I shouted out her name.
“Remember how close we used to be?” Thank goodness she spoke first.
“Mm hm,” was all I could reply.
“Fine, don’t talk to me but I’m leaving. Next time you call me I’m ignoring you”. Just as she turned around I said, “yes, I remember we were really close, all of us.”
“I kind of miss it”, she admitted.
I couldn’t lie, not now, not to her. “I actually miss it too.”
“I wanna ask what happened but I think that we both know. It was a long time ago. We can’t live in the past, right.”
“I used to wonder what happened. Like right now we don’t know each other at all now. Not even say hi, I don’t even know what you’re studying,” I said, sincerely.
“Yep. That’s what it’s like now. I’ve kind of got to admit this.” She took a breathe. “I had a crush on you when we were younger. You were my first crush.” That was 8 years ago.
I came closer to her, so close. I could almost kiss her, I wanted to kiss her. I swear this, she also leaned in. At the last second she chuckled and pulled away. “But not now, not even a little bit. You want to know what happened we could have always been friends. You just had to say hi, one day. Everytime I saw you I said hi and asked how you were. Did you ever try to make the smallest effort. Now you walk past me you don’t even acknowledge me, let alone smile. So don’t think that all of a sudden it’s okay and then try to kiss me.”
All I could say was, “l didn’t want to kiss you.”- Pathetic.
“Okay, whatever. But if you don’t want to talk to me, don’t try. We aren’t friends and will never be again, I don’t even think we were good friends to begin with. But just forget it and just never say anything to me again. You can blame me, blame us but I didn’t change up until I had to. I know every time you see me in the corridor you think ‘damn I used to be friends with that ugly loser’. Well, fuck you I am a loser and I don’t give a fuck what you think. You changed to be a dick. You’re a dick, not the guy who I used to like.”
She walked out and slammed the door. I was not expecting that.
She was so aggravating. The nerve of her, okay I called her here but she didn’t have to come. I didn’t change, did I? Shit I knew i changed. Did she try to talk to me, yes, she did all the time with her niceties, she even spoke to my family. She was bloody right, I knew I was a dick just not as much as she said. Shit, she was right. She wasn’t just some “ugly loser”, it was her. My friend. And one other thing I realised:

Fuck, I think I love her.