What The Fuck Should I Do Now?

There’s a stage in your life when everyone is telling you what to do. Ideas float past but never stick.
This is the time to decide, it’s seriously time to sort your shit out.

Maybe it’s a small gesture which is introduced or a force that needs to reckoned with. Either way it’s time to realise that you’re not a kid anymore (despite how much you try).

You start thinking about the future but you’re drawn to blank.

From when I was younger, I wanted to be an architect. But they said you have to take art and I said fuck it.

A little while later I wanted to work for grazia but they said its a difficult industry. So I tried thinking of something more realistic.

I then said I want to be nothing. And they said you have to do something.

So now it’s hard, the feelings of having all my old dreams backed up on me realise how unworthy I am of my own dream. A dream I have created.

Now the question I ask is can I be?
Well simply yes but what can I do?

I’m just doing things for the sake of doing it not because I want to. So far it’s been very unfulfilling.

That’s not how I want to live.
But I need to know how to live.

I’m currently interested in either economics or journalism, but i guess I’m just as confused now as I was when I started this.

I know at the end of a post there’s usually a resolution or realisation, but that doesn’t always happen.
I’m writing this for my future self who hopefully has there life together (or as much as I can have). I guess I’m going to have to remind myself that it’s okay to not to know what to do and that’s fine.

But if anyone is looking for a unskilled, talentless teen then you know who to call.

No, seriously I need a job.

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Today

So today was a fucking fun day. I got the lowest grade I have ever gotten in English. And guess what it counts for almost quarter of my grade.

Have you ever had a moment even your life when you realise everything your thought was something else. That’s what happened today. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, I want to write and write but apparently I can’t even do that right.

Your probably thinking that’s its dumb to get so upset about this but for me it isn’t. This was the moment that I saw that the one thing I thought I could do, I couldn’t.
Everyone has one thing going for them well not me.

What’s annoying is that people say “oh my god I tried so hard”, and they are upset when they get a higher grade and they know they are talking shit- because they didn’t try. My teacher even went around to everyone and explained to them why they did wrong- you know what I got? A fucking paragraph I couldn’t even bring myself to read.

It’s ironic, isn’t it? I’m talking about how crap I am at writing but I’m expressing it through writing. Well, my words are even failing me now.