Goodbye

She was a stranger. She smiled at me. She was cute and didn’t look like a trouble maker like other kids. She helped me up when I fell. I asked her, “why are you so nice to an old lady?” She replied plainly that it was “because were the same, I need someone to help me up, when I fall too.” That made me like her.
So I watched her as she smiled and walked off. Mumbling a word I couldn’t hear.

She was in my school. She was just a girl, she got annoyed and would argue and curse but she was happy. Not content, actually happy. She wasn’t the prettiest, she was nice enough, but didn’t really want to be there sometimes. I remember asking her one time what she would do afterwards and she said “to be honest I just want to get out of this shithole. I wanna help people, make them smile.” These words made me respect her.
I saw her smile as she continued to daydream. Mumbling a word I couldn’t hear.

She was my friend. Offering kind advice and being there for everyone. Joking around and laughing together. She had a fiery personality but a bit shy with everyone else. She would consult a friend about a boyfriend even if she didn’t give a shit, she would do it. She was there and that was enough.
She would just do it and move on. She said words that sometimes I couldn’t hear but before I could ask she was already gone.

She was my sister. We got on, fought then quickly reconciled and because of this I knew that in the end we would always be okay. She told me about her day. We would support each other. We never said it to each other but knew it anyway- we loved each other. “Remember that time you hit that boy?” I asked. “Yeah. Good times. Remember that time when we were little and you cut my hair,” she said. We did this a lot reminisced and laughed about it.  “Remember that you let me.” That was it just us remembering.
She laughed and strolled off. Mumbling a word I couldn’t hear.

She was my daughter. She was happy and grateful. She wanted to make a difference and live. She wanted to be her. She wasn’t confident, but she knew who she was and what she wanted to be. We would talk about what we would do together, just making plans.
She would grin and wander off. I hate how she would mumble but now I regret not hearing those words.

She was my daughter too. We know we loved on another but it didn’t hurt to say it. “I love you,” she would say. “I love you too baby”, she would always be my baby.
She kissed me on the cheek and pranced off and said the word

Goodbye

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Writing Challenge: Day Five

Day Five- Write about a dream or nightmare that you’ve had. Turn it into a short-short story.

I’ve had some pretty weird dreams but one particularly stuck out.

It was the strangest thing, waking up before your alarm especially when you are as lazy as me. I stretched out my arms and legs, whilst turning to see out out the window. Through the window there was no sun inhibiting the sky but it wasn’t dark either. Instead the sky was red, blood red. The sky was bleeding.

I reached to my dresser to grab my phone to check the time. The sky was probably a weird shade like this from an odd sunrise combined with pollutants. It was dead, I had it fully charged before I fell asleep. My dad’s old analogue watch was in my dresser, it read 10.01. “Fuck”, I said under my breath. My mum would be pissed if she heard me. I’m already late for work, I didn’t look in the mirror or putting my phone on charge.

I scrambled out of bed and hurried to my closet where I pulled out a bunch of clothes and picked out any that looked barely presentable. I ran to the bathroom and quickly grabbed my toothbrush and washed my face, still not checking the mirror because I knew I wasn’t presentable.

No one was home. If you have three siblings then they tend to make a lot of noise, especially on Saturday. They play their tv shows or music really loud, something that constantly has the neighbours complaining.
On a usual Saturday my parents wake us all up to eat breakfast together. It’s always a disaster but we continue to do it every week. It concludes with me rushing to work.
However, on this Saturday, no one was home. They didn’t tell me, didn’t wake me, they didn’t even leave a note on the fridge.

I walked around the house not noticing before how my footsteps echoed when I walked on the wooden floor. They house look dull today not like a home. There was dust, a lot of dust even though mum was very concerned with keeping it clean (okay, she was totally OCD). Nothing in the house had changed but it seemed as if no one had been living in it, it was dirty, cold and empty.

I rushed out of the house because the house was freaking me out. I had to get air, maybe I’ll see a familiar face I thought and they’ll know where everyone is. I looked at the outside of my house; the paint was peeling, the drive was overgrown with weeds there was rubble on the path. My house was the only one that was familiar.
There were no other houses around, they were there when I went to sleep and now there is nothing. There are some pieces of technology and rubble scattered but other than that is nothing. Nothing and no one.

There was no mum. No dad. No little sister. No big brother. And no little brother. There was only me. I trudged back into the house. From there I learnt that there is no electricity, obviously. No running water. No food. And nothing to do. There were no answers to my never ending questions.

I saw something blinking from the corner of my eye. A device that plays videos with a small percentage of battery remaining. I was so surprised something worked, curiosity and anxiety spiralled through my body. Then I pressed play.
“Honey”, it was mum, her voice, it was really her. “I’m so sorry, honey, but they said that we couldn’t take you. We are really are sorry but they’ll keep you safe and well be back for you soon. Real soon. If you are listening, we love you. Our love will always reach you no matter where we are. We are never too far. We’ll be there soon to explain it, until then hang tight.”
My dad’s voice chimed in, a unfamiliar tone. His voice low and cracking. “Your mother said it, baby. But you’re strong so use that. Use your brain and don’t do anything stupid, just wait for us.”
It panned to my brothers and sisters all saying their goodbyes. Or goodbyes for now. They were no longer here though. Before it could finish it cut off. The stupid device died.

I don’t know what’s out there and I don’t know what’s going on. But I’ll survive until they come back. Because they will. They promised.

Conformity’s A Bitch

I never used to be like this
I used to have dreams
My own pathetic bliss
I used to laugh

I wasn’t their perfect little thing
I didn’t wait for someone to save me
Because never did I need saving
I was me

I always was fair
I wore and spoke how I pleased
Even gave them my favourite gesture
When they deserve it

I wasn’t lonely
Even when I was alone
Not everyone loved me
But some people did

I was a normal woman
But I was a little weird
And it is fun
Rocker chick or goth girl

I loved it

I wish for those days back

And I remember how I got here
Their own little experiment
Their own little freak
To test against conformity

To see if I would become one them
I promised I wouldn’t
Never become like them
Or betray all I stood for

Fortunately for them
I failed

Instead I have the bittersweet memories
Of looking at the person I used to be

From my pedestal
Like those I promised never to be

Screaming through my plastic shell
For someone to save me from my own little hell

I’ve turned into their own personal barbie doll

A toy to love and
to leave

I swear that from my fake exterior that I felt a single tear fall

Damaged

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I loved him, loved him more than I could’ve imagined.
This was the very reason why I had to let him go. I loved him too much to allow him to get dragged down with a person like me. I prevented him from the perfect life- he had a perfect home, perfect friends, a perfect life if it weren’t for his girlfriend.

It’s possible that he would be upset for a short time but it is for the best- just keep telling yourself that, it might make this remotely bearable.

I didn’t realise I was crying until I saw the tears drop down on the note I was writing.
Not so much a note as a line.
We accept the love we think we deserve.

I had to tell him- in person, there was no point in putting it off any longer.
Every time I took a turn, I pass a place with a reminder of him. The corner where he first asked me out, I looked into his eyes and saw a story. Outside the shop where we had our first kiss, he brushed my hair out of my face and kissed me- my first real kiss.
The park bench. The place where he said he loved me, and hugged me. That’s where we stood a while and we didn’t need words.

Now this was it. I just had to remind myself that I wasn’t good enough for him.

I sat on the park bench as he approached me. “What’s wrong?” he asked with general concern. Fuck. He knew me too well. I looked away from the ground up into his sad eyes. I wasn’t gonna cry again. “I love you, you have to know that.” He smiled weakly and choked out, “I know and I love you.”
I don’t think it’s gonna work out
It’s not you it’s me
Every break up line I could think of but there wasn’t one that was right- only one thing to do, be honest.
“You have a perfect life with a perfect home and perfect friends. I know you love me but I don’t think I deserve you. I mean I’m damaged goods, right? That’s what your friends call people like me. It’s better I don’t drag you down with me.” It all came out like one hot mess. I wanted to fight for him, with him. Instead I chose the cowards way out- just as I was about to run, he grabbed my arm. I pull me close, he pulled my waist close to him and he looked at me with such despair. I have seen this very look before, it was the same one he had when he asked me out, it was sadness. A look someone his age shouldn’t have mastered. But there it was and it’s too bad I wouldn’t be there to know the reason behind it. I knew him and I knew he wouldn’t let me go without a fight.

“Look, before you go, you have to know something. Here come round mine, I have to show you something.”
I thought about it, he never did invite me around before. I just couldn’t. It would make it even harder- for both of us.

That was two weeks ago. Now I stand in the place I said I wouldn’t.
I stood in his room.
It was nothing like I thought it was. I imagined a boys room- posters, clothes everywhere, desk covered with papers. In reality, it was nothing like that. The moment I walked in I could feel the coldness, I felt it to my very soul.
It reminded me of a prison cell rather than anything else. Dark walls, inhumanly neat- the few things in their had a place. Just the bare essentials.
His bed, that’s what he had wanted me to see. Not to sleep with me, no, it was more than that. It was sinister- it was the truth I never got to know. Over his bed there were engravings on the wall in fact, I was more like chicken scratches.
Every word showed how wrong I was about him. He was far from having the perfect life.

Divorce.
As it turns out his parents fought constantly, divorce would have been better rather than him seeing his mum -I quote- “getting treated like shit and beaten”.

Friends. Alone.
His friends, well, I knew they were dicks but not towards him. He has never felt so alone until he met-

Her.
And I turned out to be the worst one. He had his own problems and not once did I ask. I’d assumed his life was perfect but it was far from it.
One of the worst things is that he believed he didn’t deserve me.

Now every reminder, tainted with the dark truth. The look in his eyes where he asked me out- that was more than a story, that foreshadowed a tragedy.
Our first kiss he brushed me hair away, I could remember the pale bruises on his arms. The thought of not knowing how they got there would be the worst thing of all. The thoughts going through my head that was enough to make a person break down. It was enough to make me break down. The strangest thing was I didn’t cry, I didn’t scream, I didn’t even move.
I stood there like a statue, a statue cracking and falling apart. I swear that in that moment I felt something inside of break.
One thought continually preoccupied my mind, it’s the time where we just stood there in an embrace, where for once in my life words weren’t need and completely useless. I ignored those silent sobs, I heard in my ear.

The last words were what would haunt me forever.
The cruel bitter irony cut through me like a knife.
I wished someone ripped my heart out right then.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

Movie Moments

“Life experience. I can talk it up, vow to broaden my horizons, but I’m still limited to the experiences with my life.
How can a person understand an experience that lies completely outside her own? She can see it, feel it, imagine what it would be like to live it, but it’s no different from seeing a movie on a screen and saying, “Thank God that’s not me”.”
— Kelley Armstrong

It feels like forever since I’ve posted. Life sucks because it’s too busy. It’s almost been a month since my last post so many ideas have been going through my head.

I wanna talk about how life isn’t like movies. I’ve been fairly optimistic about this but for the past year I’ve noticed that life doesn’t work like that.

First off in those movies have you seen the actors. They’re meant to be 16 years old, believe me when I say I’m 17 and I look nothing like that. I think I’m still going through that “awkward phase”.

Secondly, your in secondary school and you meet the person of your dreams in the most romantic way or you have the most amazing boyfriends. Once again I’m 17 and I’ve never had a boyfriend and it’s not just me, many people my age haven’t had boyfriends. Lots of them do but it’s nothing like the movies.

Thirdly, OMFD this is the thing that annoys me the most. Yes, prom. In the movies the proms are so amazing and everyone looks so good. Finally at the very last second of prom the person you have awaited to come has finally come and there is that moment when the characters embrace in a heartfelt reunion.
Barely, anyone came with a date to my prom (this might be because I’m British and our proms are slightly different than those in America). They just came to say goodbye to their friends. Those who have not have there prom should know, that doesn’t happen. I absolutely hated my prom, it was an utter disappointment. I didn’t even want to go only in a few months prior did I decide. The only thing I liked was my dress (and in the pictures I looked so fat! Sorry I’m still a teenage girl).

Maybe because with people like me things like this don’t happen.
I’ve come to realise I don’t want things like this, this is way too predictable.
Life is beautiful which ever way you live it- but only if you actually live it. Don’t wait around for those ridiculous movie moments because that will never happen but that doesn’t mean there won’t be perfect moments in life.

Smiles

Her.

She walked past me. She tried not to but she looked up at me and smiled. A small smile but nevertheless it was a smile.
Her dark, almost black, hair- not messy just not perfect. Her big brown eyes looking away and distant. Her light skin, yeah, she definitely wasn’t perfect. She wasn’t pretty, I wouldn’t say she was ugly but some people called her that anyway.

I would probably like her back if she weren’t such a loser. Despite this I couldn’t help but wonder. We used to be friends, close friends and at one point I couldn’t imagine not being friends with her.
What happened? Well, I thought that obvious- we grew up, we grew apart. There was one thing I was sure, she loved me. Actually, she had a crush on me and I’m pretty sure she still does. I won’t ever get with her but it’s nice to be admired.

I don’t even talk to her. I still talk to her brother from now and then. She’s just an old distant friend, and if you ever ask me I’ll deny this but there was a small chance I liked her.

Now here she stood. Infront of me, just me and her. Nothing to lose, so much to say. But she was a loser.
I don’t know why I called out her name but I did. No one saw us when I asked her in my house. We stood in silence for a while, she was waiting for an explanation to why I shouted out her name.
“Remember how close we used to be?” Thank goodness she spoke first.
“Mm hm,” was all I could reply.
“Fine, don’t talk to me but I’m leaving. Next time you call me I’m ignoring you”. Just as she turned around I said, “yes, I remember we were really close, all of us.”
“I kind of miss it”, she admitted.
I couldn’t lie, not now, not to her. “I actually miss it too.”
“I wanna ask what happened but I think that we both know. It was a long time ago. We can’t live in the past, right.”
“I used to wonder what happened. Like right now we don’t know each other at all now. Not even say hi, I don’t even know what you’re studying,” I said, sincerely.
“Yep. That’s what it’s like now. I’ve kind of got to admit this.” She took a breathe. “I had a crush on you when we were younger. You were my first crush.” That was 8 years ago.
I came closer to her, so close. I could almost kiss her, I wanted to kiss her. I swear this, she also leaned in. At the last second she chuckled and pulled away. “But not now, not even a little bit. You want to know what happened we could have always been friends. You just had to say hi, one day. Everytime I saw you I said hi and asked how you were. Did you ever try to make the smallest effort. Now you walk past me you don’t even acknowledge me, let alone smile. So don’t think that all of a sudden it’s okay and then try to kiss me.”
All I could say was, “l didn’t want to kiss you.”- Pathetic.
“Okay, whatever. But if you don’t want to talk to me, don’t try. We aren’t friends and will never be again, I don’t even think we were good friends to begin with. But just forget it and just never say anything to me again. You can blame me, blame us but I didn’t change up until I had to. I know every time you see me in the corridor you think ‘damn I used to be friends with that ugly loser’. Well, fuck you I am a loser and I don’t give a fuck what you think. You changed to be a dick. You’re a dick, not the guy who I used to like.”
She walked out and slammed the door. I was not expecting that.
She was so aggravating. The nerve of her, okay I called her here but she didn’t have to come. I didn’t change, did I? Shit I knew i changed. Did she try to talk to me, yes, she did all the time with her niceties, she even spoke to my family. She was bloody right, I knew I was a dick just not as much as she said. Shit, she was right. She wasn’t just some “ugly loser”, it was her. My friend. And one other thing I realised:

Fuck, I think I love her.

Broken Promises

Okay, I’m still making up my mind what I think of this one but I’d love for your feedback. Here’s another piece of fiction by me, hope you enjoy.

He bumped into her. Hard. They both fell onto the ground. It wasn’t perfect and the fact that they were both klutzes didn’t make it easier. Even with that it still couldn’t have gone better. He was a gentleman, he helped her up when she fell and from that moment didn’t let her fall again. They knew immediately that they would have huge affects on each others lives just not in the way they imagined.

It was true, they were meant to be there for each other. They could’ve made all the promises they wanted to but eventually, someone will mess up a relationship. In this case it was him. They had a good thing going and were head over heels in love. Their love was ones that people strived for. The kind of love that people would read about. Just not exactly how they imagined it.

He was just a boy out of school, who wanted to give the girl he loved everything. They wanted more. No matter what. Maybe if they weren’t blinded by their “love” then it wouldn’t have come to this.

The boy sat there. He sat next to her and thought about all the times that had shared and promises they made.

He remembered her lying beside on the grass. The sun was shining on her face. She practically glowed. People didn’t think of her as “pretty” but the boy thought she was absolutely beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, people seem to say that a lot but this is the only true way in which it can be used. She illuminated colour and dreams. And ultimately hope. Hope for what, their future, their lives.
Instead now when he looked at her she had the same expression she has had for two months. Blankness. He looked at the face that made him feel hopeful and happy. The face that radiated exactly what he needed. Now it was a plain pale face. Perfectly expressionless.

He remember them sitting on the bench. She told him something no one has ever heard her say before, “I love you”. He squeezed her hand and looked at her in a way that needed no words. But he still said “I love you too. Those words don’t even begin to express how I feel”. That was enough to make anyone feel sick except for those saying it. Because only they can know how good it feels to have your love returned by someone who means so much.
When they parted they held hands for as long as they could. Palm in palm and then parted from their fingertips.
He promised to always hold her and he did until that moment. She kept her promise, she was there for as long as she could.
Now, he took her hand and it had no movement, she didn’t hold him back. It was just a sad boy grabbing a girls hand that couldn’t return the touch.

He watched her walk away. The girl so full of life walked away. The boy experienced the most painful thing anyone can face.
He reminded himself of how she walked. She would straighten her back and try not to slouch. She would trip occasionally. She would look down but when she did he told her that way he couldn’t see her face.
Now he may never see that again.

That night when they walked in opposite directions. She never even saw it coming. He wished he walked her home that night but he didn’t. He couldn’t, he had problems of his own and she respected that. She completely understood, which now makes him even more miserable.

He looked at her face. It was her and yet he couldn’t recognise her not because of the scars or the stitches, just the fact that she stayed expressionless. Before when he looked over at her he saw her smile, he remembered her laughing a bit. He remembered that cheesy grin she had. Even when she was annoyed she had a look, something in her eyes, not everyone could see it but he could. When she was shy, he could tell. Every single face beautiful in its own right.

The thing most beautiful was her. The way she spoke. I haven’t spoken to her in months, I would kill to hear her voice again- the boy thought. She was perfectly imperfect. She stuttered sometimes. She didn’t pronounce some words properly but if you could hear her speak to you like she spoke to him, you would never forget it. He would never forget it nor would he ever want to.

What happened that night he would never forget. He have never experienced so pain, so much agony. It wasn’t physical, it was emotional, which only made it far worse.

He waited for him he said it was the last thing. “Unfinished business” was all it was meant to be. He didn’t expect it to go that far but it did. He just wanted her to have everything. Instead she got nothing, it’s as if he has deprived her of something instead.

She was meant to change the world. She had big plans. She wanted to save lives, make a difference, inspire someone, be remembered.
The boy thought it should’ve been him and that she was so much more than him, maybe he was right. I’m worthless, I gave her nothing. After she gave me so much, these were the only thoughts he allowed himself to think for months, if he thought of anything else it would only make him feel worse.

She has been in a coma for 2 months, 3 weeks and a day. Since then she has had so many visitors, so many that he lost count after the first few days. Her parents practically lived there, her siblings haven’t been out with their friends because they go to see her everyday after school. She has had countless cousins, aunties, uncles and friends come to visit. Even her grandparents are such amazing people.

It’s easy to spot the people she wasn’t close with because they give the boy a weird look, he’s just a stranger to them. He couldn’t blame her parents for hating him. They appreciated the fact he was there, they would buy him meals, tea, whatever and they would allow him to be there. Nothing more. However he could feel their coldness thawing, being replaced by sadness more and more each day.

It should’ve been him. That night he sat there for hours. Waiting to finish what he started. The girl had a bad feeling from the start, the boy told her everything that night. She comforted him and was happy it would soon be over. She was right it would be over, but she would pay the price.
He got mixed in with the wrong people, as simple as that.

Now he remembered everything. He knew it should’ve been him. He was by her side, just them two, alone.

“Babe, I’m sorry. But what’s that gonna do? I’m fucking useless, I couldn’t even make you happy”, he was wrong he did make her happy, they didn’t need anything else. He sobbed but still managed to choke out, “you was- are everything, you deserve to live. Remember you wanted to get married, have kids. You wanted to help people. You had dreams”. He cried and cried but still spoke. “What am I gonna do without you? What is the world gonna do without you?” He kissed her on the nose and her forehead whilst stroking her hair. “I love you so much. You are so loved, you will always be loved. You are going to change the world and I hope I’m there to see it. I love you, you are my everything.”

This is probably the part of the story where the girl, wakes up and says I love you too, then they live happily ever after.

Instead he cried, after months of numbness, he let it out. Her parents and siblings all came in. They all greeted her with a kiss on her forehead. That night, whilst she was surrounded by the people she loved most and they shared their favourite stories of her, is the night she slowly, slowly drifted.

That was it at 00.36.

Nothing Wrong With Dreaming

“I believe in everything until it’s disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it’s in your mind. Who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now?”
— John Lennon

Screw real people. I don’t think I’m a dreamer, I would probably pin myself as a realist. I know real life but I don’t think there’s anything wrong living in your imagination.

Do you want the full hard truth? Well, if you’ve read my previous blogs then you would know that I don’t think of myself as a typical teenage girl. I’m not obsessed with having a boyfriend or sex.
To be honest I haven’t had a proper boyfriend and I have no intention to, yet. I don’t think any guy would want me as a girlfriend.

There is one thing I have in common with these girls though. I want that guy, even though I don’t want a boyfriend now I sure as hell don’t want to be alone all my life. I don’t believe in fairytales but I think everyone should find someone they will be happy with because no one deserves to live alone.

I wrote this because all my friends talk about the perfect guy for each other, who is going to get married first and who they are most likely to end up with.
We do talk about celebrities a lot as well and just like a million other girls out there I love Taylor Lautner. I’m sixteen, there’s nothing wrong with a celebrity crush. To be honest he’s the only reason I watched the twilight movies. Although I enjoyed the last one (but let’s not go to into that).

Now be honest. I won’t ask about what you look for in a guy because this blog was tacky and cliché enough. But who is you celebrity crush?
Everyone has one, some are even embarrassing. I think people love the idea of this so called perfection it blinds us from what they are really like instead we build them up how we want them to be.

Thanks for reading (sorry this blog was kind of amateurish).