One Last Goodbye

Tears may fall from them,

But my grief cannot be seen,

I watch as they mourn.

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A Kiss Goodbye

The dark abyss that forever haunts me

Staring deep into the soul i no longer own

Begging for a kiss to be the key

Another body on a loan
I just continue to float

The life not so bright 

With the words neither said or wrote

I will go down before the fight
The battle that shall never be won

When it should be eternal 

But really it is done 

The loss is final.

I Don’t Feel A Lot Of Emotion

As the title suggests: I am not one to feel a lot of emotion. I think that my range of emotion is mild; a spectrum spanning from discomfort to happiness. I am unsure on how to estimate the level of happiness I genuinely feel because when I experience it I’m quite sure it’s real but when I look back on it im unsure if it was happiness. I begin to get confused as to whether or not I’ve ever actually been happy. I start to define happiness and know that I can’t. In my mind I start to think that if I can’t put a level on it how can I determine how true it is. I don’t know if it’s a character in a sad play or a smile to keep the others around me content.

I guess the reason I do this is because a love them. This is another emotion, I guess, but the love I’ve always experienced is that of fondness. A love for a friend or that of a parent.
When my range of emotions start to play up, I am completely helpless in trying to identify them. It causes me to overthink. Create feelings that were never there. It makes me deluded. It makes me uncomfortable. I am forced to go back to only thinking.

I don’t know if I am able to truly love someone in a romantic way. Sometimes I wish I had someone but I couldn’t give them what they want. I like having friends but often I get confused.

I’ll put it into perspective, simply to show how he was being platonic. I want to emphasise that I like boundaries. I like my own space. But don’t mind an occasional hug from a friend.

The situation: I had cut my hand and he wanted to make sure it was okay but I simply pulled my hand away quite abruptly and chuckled “my hand is a little dry but I’m fine.” I think he thought it was odd but people think of me as odd anyway. Someone I didn’t think I liked, the first time he tried to touch me I had the most awkward reaction.
But why when he said goodbye, and I didn’t want a hug, why was I nervous and why was I sad.
Why am I so sure I don’t like him but feel unsure?

Nothing will happen and our goodbye shall remain as that. This is the end.

My 10% of emotions I feel still lingering so I’ll continue to not have emotions until they’re truly not there.

Goodbye

She was a stranger. She smiled at me. She was cute and didn’t look like a trouble maker like other kids. She helped me up when I fell. I asked her, “why are you so nice to an old lady?” She replied plainly that it was “because were the same, I need someone to help me up, when I fall too.” That made me like her.
So I watched her as she smiled and walked off. Mumbling a word I couldn’t hear.

She was in my school. She was just a girl, she got annoyed and would argue and curse but she was happy. Not content, actually happy. She wasn’t the prettiest, she was nice enough, but didn’t really want to be there sometimes. I remember asking her one time what she would do afterwards and she said “to be honest I just want to get out of this shithole. I wanna help people, make them smile.” These words made me respect her.
I saw her smile as she continued to daydream. Mumbling a word I couldn’t hear.

She was my friend. Offering kind advice and being there for everyone. Joking around and laughing together. She had a fiery personality but a bit shy with everyone else. She would consult a friend about a boyfriend even if she didn’t give a shit, she would do it. She was there and that was enough.
She would just do it and move on. She said words that sometimes I couldn’t hear but before I could ask she was already gone.

She was my sister. We got on, fought then quickly reconciled and because of this I knew that in the end we would always be okay. She told me about her day. We would support each other. We never said it to each other but knew it anyway- we loved each other. “Remember that time you hit that boy?” I asked. “Yeah. Good times. Remember that time when we were little and you cut my hair,” she said. We did this a lot reminisced and laughed about it.  “Remember that you let me.” That was it just us remembering.
She laughed and strolled off. Mumbling a word I couldn’t hear.

She was my daughter. She was happy and grateful. She wanted to make a difference and live. She wanted to be her. She wasn’t confident, but she knew who she was and what she wanted to be. We would talk about what we would do together, just making plans.
She would grin and wander off. I hate how she would mumble but now I regret not hearing those words.

She was my daughter too. We know we loved on another but it didn’t hurt to say it. “I love you,” she would say. “I love you too baby”, she would always be my baby.
She kissed me on the cheek and pranced off and said the word

Goodbye

Goodbye A Levels

All my bitter memories
Taken by one black bin bag
A heavy burden of sadness and nostalgia
Ripping through these bags

They are gone
These memories are not yet forgotten

All those years
Filled with drawings
Writings
Pictures

My memories

Will never leave

Because they are no longer bitter
They are sweet

I regret nothing