October Writing Challenge: Day 16

Happiness is.. 

The first bite of an extra chocolate cake
The feeling when someone says they were thinking of you
Meeting a friend after a long time
Being with the ones you love
Buying yourself that new shirt or shoes
Listening to your favourite song
Saying your favourite joke

Happiness is everywhere

Don’t miss out on the smallest things that make you happy. No matter how small or vain the indulgence is, as nevertheless it’s still happiness. In this life, it isn’t always the only option so when it is, take it.

Remember there are two sides of the coin and both can never be happiness. 

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I Don’t Feel A Lot Of Emotion

As the title suggests: I am not one to feel a lot of emotion. I think that my range of emotion is mild; a spectrum spanning from discomfort to happiness. I am unsure on how to estimate the level of happiness I genuinely feel because when I experience it I’m quite sure it’s real but when I look back on it im unsure if it was happiness. I begin to get confused as to whether or not I’ve ever actually been happy. I start to define happiness and know that I can’t. In my mind I start to think that if I can’t put a level on it how can I determine how true it is. I don’t know if it’s a character in a sad play or a smile to keep the others around me content.

I guess the reason I do this is because a love them. This is another emotion, I guess, but the love I’ve always experienced is that of fondness. A love for a friend or that of a parent.
When my range of emotions start to play up, I am completely helpless in trying to identify them. It causes me to overthink. Create feelings that were never there. It makes me deluded. It makes me uncomfortable. I am forced to go back to only thinking.

I don’t know if I am able to truly love someone in a romantic way. Sometimes I wish I had someone but I couldn’t give them what they want. I like having friends but often I get confused.

I’ll put it into perspective, simply to show how he was being platonic. I want to emphasise that I like boundaries. I like my own space. But don’t mind an occasional hug from a friend.

The situation: I had cut my hand and he wanted to make sure it was okay but I simply pulled my hand away quite abruptly and chuckled “my hand is a little dry but I’m fine.” I think he thought it was odd but people think of me as odd anyway. Someone I didn’t think I liked, the first time he tried to touch me I had the most awkward reaction.
But why when he said goodbye, and I didn’t want a hug, why was I nervous and why was I sad.
Why am I so sure I don’t like him but feel unsure?

Nothing will happen and our goodbye shall remain as that. This is the end.

My 10% of emotions I feel still lingering so I’ll continue to not have emotions until they’re truly not there.

Exams Are Too Close And I’m Too Unprepared

It’s that dreaded time in the summer for all of students. For those who have completed their studies and no longer have this stress then congratulations, just know we are still struggling and we hate that you’re enjoying your summer.

So exams are right round the corner, it has probably already started for some people. First of all, good luck. Second of all, its not a big deal.
Not quite what you were expecting right?

Okay, so we as a generation have such an unhealthy attitude towards exams. As if it’s no surprise, as we are told from a young age that you must go to school and you must get good grades and then after that you’re happy. Your life and subsequent happiness hinge on the grades you get. This small insignificant number defines you. Well, big news flash: it doesn’t.
Those doing GCSEs (ages 14-16), kids I can’t remember my results. Minimum C grades for most jobs and unis.
Next, the dreaded A levels (ages 16-18), I got below all my predicted grades. As well as that when I applied for universities, I did it completely aimlessly. I didn’t even think about my what I wanted to do as a course and applied for pharmacy.. PHARMACY! It’s a good job but not for me. So I got into my insurance (one university choice) and rejected it. I then went through clearing and so glad I did.

Even now when I speak to my parents telling them of how much I’m going to fail, they just ask me why I’m freaking out. My parents want me to succeed and do well. Yet they say it’s not the end of the world if you don’t get the grades you want. When I told them I would have wasted two years of my life, my dad just responded, “people waste a lot more time.” I don’t know why but that was strangely comforting.

We get so stressed by these numbers and letters that it blurs us from the bigger picture. We procrastinate because we have given up and then in the final push we cram (which is never effective).
The reason we all say we do this: to get a job, make money and be happy. To get a job you apply to placements, someone I know even researched this; the people with good grades often struggle to find jobs because they were too focused on grades rather than experience.
After that you make money. However you want, I encourage you to do it legally (but then again everything is legal if you don’t get caught).
Finally the happiness thing, maybe you will feel good when you get the paper that says you did well. Maybe it will satisfy you. But after a few years would you still recite your grades for a sense of happiness? No. You do this on your own accord. You make your happiness with your friends and adventures. You make the happiness you wish to exist in you.

Love, Sex and Other Human Necessities

A question that has been irritating me for a while is:

Why do humans crave love?

Or just crave other humans, in general.

Essentially, the ideal mindset for a person has been clear for centuries, millenniums even. This is to find a mate, our basic primal instincts dictate this. Through the years this mindset has changed, however not by much. Marriage was incorporated into our lives as a norm. Now the only difference is that education is included in our ideal little lives. Given, this may vary for some people but this is generally the most popular.

So why do we crave lovers, why do we crave love? It may be simple biology, pheromones but I’m no biologist. Actually, I’ve not even had a sexual attraction to someone so why is marriage still in my plan. Even asexual people want companionship. So there is more than this primal instinct.

My theory is this, not ground breaking in the least but what I think. From a young age we have had love literally crammed down our throats. Little girls with their easily influenced minds watched disney movies which told us that a girl can not be happy until she has a man. Her life is not complete until she has found love, anything less is not real happiness. This carried through their teens until they fianlly reached adulthood. This same lesson was still imprinted into these women’s minds. They attend family reunions and gathering with their friends and are asked if they are seeing anyone and if not then why?.

This can apply to men too, many of the guys that I know are told by their parents to have fun and do whatever until one day, they are thirty and their parents boabard them with questions which follow the general census. They ask why they have not found a nice woman. 

Women create their ideal love story, the ideal man with the ideal story which men can never really achieve. Many men don’t even try with this. Women don’t get treated like princesses like movies have promised them. However they still crave to be loved, by anyone. We crave love because it’s not acceptable to be alone.

So is it simply social convention for someone to be in a loving committed marriage.

Honest answer: I don’t know.
I say I don’t want to marry, simply because I’m lazy. I feel like anything more than friendship with anyone is just too much effort and the idea of this commitment scares me. I can’t imagining just giving (or sharing, depends on your perspective) half my life someone.
I don’t even like the idea of loving someone to an extent in which I need them, everyone wants to be loved but not everyone wants to love.
Despite all this I still read shoujo mangas and romance novels, for a reason that I don’t know.

Cheers To A New Year

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

Okay I kind of had to force myself to write this one but I ended up really getting into it. I want to talk about New Years resolutions.

Yes, it’s those stupid promises you make at the beginning of the year but break on the first week.
Every year I say that my resolution is to lose weight. That never happens.

I could if I really tried to. I also promise to study more. And be a better person.
The thing is I think that if I try hard enough I can be the person I want to be.

We could change our live in an instant. We could jump off a cliff. We could tell someone we love them. We could save someone’s life.
Jumping off a cliff wouldn’t improve our life but it just shows we are in control of our life. We have control and the ability to change our lives if we have the willpower.

I can be a better person.
I can lose weight.
I can study more.
I can change.

Do you know people say “be the change”. Well I never quite got that until now. You have to make it yourself, you have to become what you want to be and not wait for anyone or anything.

We can change our lives and the trick isn’t finding out how, it’s actually doing it.
It’s not about how much you want it, it’s what you are willing to do about it.

Happy holidays. Wish you a happy year with lots of smiles and happiness to come. Make this next year great.

Thanks for reading and what’s your New Years resolution? What do you want out of the New Year?

Perfection

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity.”
— Gilda Radner

You’re not perfect. Nobody is and nobody ever will be. So stop trying to be this idea of perfect. Believe me, you’re better off being yourself.

And to everyone who thinks they are perfect. Well, GTFO. But seriously, come on, dude. You can be pretty and popular but you may be a bitch. You can be the perfect friend but that doesn’t make you the perfect daughter/ son.

You may wanna change yourself and you really don’t need to. I know I’m not perfect, not even close but I don’t wish to change. I hate my nose but I’m not going to get surgery. I have messy hair but I’m not going to straighten it everyday (mainly because I don’t wanna be bald by the time I’m 30). There are times when change isn’t so bad. Revise more, join a club, help someone.

I think that all anyone can do is be yourself and hope that’s good enough. Perfection is an idealisation by people who want the impossible, the people who want this fake, materialistic world full of fake people to go with this “perfect” world.
On the way to this self discovery a few people will hurt you along the way but at least you know you’re going somewhere. Grow from this, change the world, make a difference, be happy.

Thank you for reading