A Rare Display of Some Much Needed Positivity

I’m trying to dash a little positivity and self love on my blog (and life) instead of it being littered with cynicism and self deprication, which has been on it for years. So for the usual self pitying posts and sad thoughts read anything else on my blog except this one post. I will still be as cynical as ever but I can put it on hold for one post.

In theory, 2018 should be a hard year for me. Someone like me who is a little bit of a loose cannon emotionally, this should have been a toughie. It was like starting from zero. I graduated in 2017 and had failed to secure a job in the new year and continued a job where people severely annoy me (not the workers, they alright but never underestimate the stupidity of the general public).
I work part time with so much time in between, whilst all my friends are either working full time or are still studying. While I have all this free time by myself, I should feel alone or I should feel empty. Especially when all my life I have been busy Monday to Saturday. It was easy to feel sad.

But for once I haven’t. Where I could feel sad and procrastinate and ignore my choices in life. This was truly the time for self reflection to which I still procrastinated. But guilt-free procrastination with no consequences, I didn’t know such a life existed.

Not too many people get to know themselves, understand what they want; instead life is thrust toward them without a breather. I still don’t know what I want but I’m closer.

I had no need to procrastinate so my creativity depleted in a very negative way. I learnt I do my best work when I really should not. But when in my life will I ever get this opportunity to do whatever I want? Wake up, write, do whatever, whenever. This was it. It was a new start.

I did apply for a lot of jobs with no outcome, just plenty of rejections. I have to admit I didn’t write or draw as much as I want because I was simply so uninspired but I didn’t just stay in bed and watch shows I don’t really care about.

Finally after many months of wihtholding exercise, it was time. Self improvement had to begin so self loathing could stop. No more self deprication, well only for humour purposes. Purely because I had so much time I didnt know what to do with, I started to exercise whenever I could, forcing myself to do it even when I didn’t want to. Eventually it became part of my schedule. And months on, I have never felt better. I have never been completely happy with my body, my stomach never be flat enough, my arms too much area of the bat wings, not having a singular chin. I lost a few kilos (not nearly as much as I wanted to) and felt good. The weight stopped being a problem, I didn’t have the need to contantly weigh myself because I was feeling good. I fit better in clothes, I fit into clothes which I couldn’t squeeze into for years. I couldn’t see too much of the impact but literally everyone else could. Regardless, I was getting more comfortable with my body even if I couldn’t see the results like everyone else. Then it happened, I was exercising one day. and I felt- MUSCLES. Like muscles I’ve never had before. It didnt matter that the weight was coming back because I liked how my body was turning out. Like I am a long way from my ideal and even though I am exercising, my diet needs to follow.

I was doing a good job keeping myself happy and healthy. I wasn’t feeling down or depressed. I genuinely felt good. It was like those years I spent feeling like shit were so distant. When, in reality, they really weren’t. The feeling of sadness seemed so strange to me, like even if I wasn’t happy, being sad was always automatically followed but now it was contentment and just living. With that mindset things felt like they were falling into place. I was getting somewhere on the job front too. I was getting some interviews and assessment centres and then eventually I got a job offer. An actual good job in engineering.

(Also why is it when I got a job more offers were coming through. Too little too late bud.)

That is pretty much my life right now. It hasn’t been too crazy or eventful. But its been good. I needed it.

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Already In A Better Place This Year

This is NOT a New Years post. I have zero resolutions and goals right now. This is a birthday post. Today I turned 22. 

People say that 21 is the age to be and for them it may be but last year I wasn’t in a good place. Looking bad at my posts it seems my slump last longer than I previously believed. I was just in a mood for about half a year where I just felt sad for no reason at all. Like one day I could be perfectly fine pretending to be interesting then 3 seconds later feel like I will burst out in tears. 

I had a lot of downs and then it got to a point where I had no emotions whatsoever. I cried more than I ever have in my life in that period of time. 

Honestly, I really hated myself for feeling like that. Not just feeling sad but helpless. Like I would walk home at night and cry. Then I would quickly wipe my eyes making sure no one would realise I was crying before I entered the house. I can’t pinpoint where it started or even where it ended but writing this kinda makes me feel how I felt then. But I feel fine, I feel like I’ve grown. 

I remember the tears, and how small I once felt. I even remember sometimes when people would talk around me and I would have those out of body experiences where I could actually see life pass by around me and again I felt helpless. I remember the anger. 

And right now I’m feeling good. Like honestly my life right now is not what I want it to be but I feel positive about the future. My mood can easily be put down because life wasn’t easy like I wanted or because I think I’m a shit person.

Last year on my birthday I had plans and things to do like survive university. Things which should make me happy and hopeful. Going out with friends and having a good time. This year I stayed out home watched sitcoms, exercised (Side note: I exercised 3 out of the 4 days of this year, hopefully I can implement this into my life) and just relaxed. When I felt down, people would tell me not to be alone or that having nothing to do puts you down. I can’t control my life but I sure as hell can control how I feel. My being alone didn’t make me feel sad, last year company would distract me from me sometimes but I would get anxious and sad and get the out of body experience would persist but I would have pretend to be normal. I like being alone sometimes (well a lot). But I’m hanging out with friends and family all weekend. And I’m excited. 

Happy New Year and enjoy all the birthdays to come 🙂

October Writing Challenge: Day 16

Happiness is.. 

The first bite of an extra chocolate cake
The feeling when someone says they were thinking of you
Meeting a friend after a long time
Being with the ones you love
Buying yourself that new shirt or shoes
Listening to your favourite song
Saying your favourite joke

Happiness is everywhere

Don’t miss out on the smallest things that make you happy. No matter how small or vain the indulgence is, as nevertheless it’s still happiness. In this life, it isn’t always the only option so when it is, take it.

Remember there are two sides of the coin and both can never be happiness. 

Happy Birthday To Me

I’m 21 today!! I went out with my friends and had a good time. We had good food, hella chocolate. I was happy. We sang and danced but towards the end I became uneasy. 

I don’t know why. I had this plan of the time I would leave and also exactly what we are doing. So I knew. No surprises. Easy. 

I couldn’t stay out longer than that. It just made me feel anxious. 

I have a small window of me actually being fun to be around. So maybe my time was up. I don’t know if it’s me being genuinely introverted or just feeling unnecessarily anxious.

Why do i feel anxious? I just really wanted to go home.

But I’m going to stop being a negative Nancy and focus on the good side of today. I had fun. Despite wanting to leave early. And also I got my rook pierced so all in all not bad at all. 

Love, Sex and Other Human Necessities

A question that has been irritating me for a while is:

Why do humans crave love?

Or just crave other humans, in general.

Essentially, the ideal mindset for a person has been clear for centuries, millenniums even. This is to find a mate, our basic primal instincts dictate this. Through the years this mindset has changed, however not by much. Marriage was incorporated into our lives as a norm. Now the only difference is that education is included in our ideal little lives. Given, this may vary for some people but this is generally the most popular.

So why do we crave lovers, why do we crave love? It may be simple biology, pheromones but I’m no biologist. Actually, I’ve not even had a sexual attraction to someone so why is marriage still in my plan. Even asexual people want companionship. So there is more than this primal instinct.

My theory is this, not ground breaking in the least but what I think. From a young age we have had love literally crammed down our throats. Little girls with their easily influenced minds watched disney movies which told us that a girl can not be happy until she has a man. Her life is not complete until she has found love, anything less is not real happiness. This carried through their teens until they fianlly reached adulthood. This same lesson was still imprinted into these women’s minds. They attend family reunions and gathering with their friends and are asked if they are seeing anyone and if not then why?.

This can apply to men too, many of the guys that I know are told by their parents to have fun and do whatever until one day, they are thirty and their parents boabard them with questions which follow the general census. They ask why they have not found a nice woman. 

Women create their ideal love story, the ideal man with the ideal story which men can never really achieve. Many men don’t even try with this. Women don’t get treated like princesses like movies have promised them. However they still crave to be loved, by anyone. We crave love because it’s not acceptable to be alone.

So is it simply social convention for someone to be in a loving committed marriage.

Honest answer: I don’t know.
I say I don’t want to marry, simply because I’m lazy. I feel like anything more than friendship with anyone is just too much effort and the idea of this commitment scares me. I can’t imagining just giving (or sharing, depends on your perspective) half my life someone.
I don’t even like the idea of loving someone to an extent in which I need them, everyone wants to be loved but not everyone wants to love.
Despite all this I still read shoujo mangas and romance novels, for a reason that I don’t know.

Feeling Good. Or Not.

I don’t know if anyone else feels like this but I do. Sometimes, I feel really great, as if things are finally turning out okay. Suddenly, I feel sad again. Nothing happens in between that time. I just feel sad for no reason. I try to remember why I was happy but, then, I can’t. Next thing I know I am laying down staring at the ceiling, questioning my whole existence. Why I am here. If anyone will miss me if I go tomorrow. Or what legacy I will leave behind.
It sounds a little extreme. Maybe you will even laugh at my sadness. But this is what being sad does to you. It makes you pathetic.

Perfection

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity.”
— Gilda Radner

You’re not perfect. Nobody is and nobody ever will be. So stop trying to be this idea of perfect. Believe me, you’re better off being yourself.

And to everyone who thinks they are perfect. Well, GTFO. But seriously, come on, dude. You can be pretty and popular but you may be a bitch. You can be the perfect friend but that doesn’t make you the perfect daughter/ son.

You may wanna change yourself and you really don’t need to. I know I’m not perfect, not even close but I don’t wish to change. I hate my nose but I’m not going to get surgery. I have messy hair but I’m not going to straighten it everyday (mainly because I don’t wanna be bald by the time I’m 30). There are times when change isn’t so bad. Revise more, join a club, help someone.

I think that all anyone can do is be yourself and hope that’s good enough. Perfection is an idealisation by people who want the impossible, the people who want this fake, materialistic world full of fake people to go with this “perfect” world.
On the way to this self discovery a few people will hurt you along the way but at least you know you’re going somewhere. Grow from this, change the world, make a difference, be happy.

Thank you for reading

Dear “nobody”

Dear “nobody”,

Did you know there were 3 people that led straight to you. They all are things that made me myself.

The first person showed me hope. I remember feeling nothing just numbness, no hope. I didn’t know what to believe but someone changed that in an instant. She told me what she believed and listened to me. She listened to how hurt I was and she was so selfless, this gave me hope. I had something to believe again, this person gave me hope and for this I give her my heart.

I remember loneliness, all alone. I trusted no one and never let them in. And people accepted it. Until finally someone broke down these walls, shattered it into a million pieces. It was so delicate and easy, no tried except for her. This person had courage and willpower, and this was enough.
She made me trust and I gave her the pieces of this wall- the remains of what was gone.

I remember her always being there for me. From when we met to whenever. The years went by too quickly, the wounds took too long too heal, there wasn’t enough time. I remember her always smiling anyway, the ability to always be positive amazed me. All this time we knew eachother and it turned out all along I already gave my years to her.

This was you, all of these people show you and the qualities are what I love about you the most. You made me a better person. You gave me hope, trust and time- and it was everything we needed. You had the courage, ability and belief to do so- and the integrity all the way through.

The truth is this isn’t to nobody, it’s to you and you’re everything. You once believed that you were nothing but I showed you that you weren’t. You’re everything the girl next door, the strong one, the one who doesn’t take other people’s crap.

This is what made me love you and what made our 63 years together amazing. Sure not everyday was great but nothing compared to how I felt about you.
I love you.

The man placed this letter on his wife’s grave. He parted but still with a smile because the memories were enough- for now.

*Do you find this to be a happy story or sad story? Honestly I think it’s happy because they spent all there lives together and even after her death he still loves her.
I’d love for your feedback.
Thanks for reading 😀