Eternal Damnation Has Never Been So Sexy

Every piece of vampire fiction since 2008 and the emergence of a certain book has caused the same carbon copy of every plot to exist in the same way. A handsome “high school” vampire falls in love with an average sad girl who will later entangle into a love triangle. This is no shade to any authors because this gave my preteen years so much excitement to gush over these stories with my friends. The annoyance of this to me and the apparent number of people who are sick of it could be summed up in one word: consistency. After this has been repeated so many times, overkill is the only word I can think of. By the end of a trend when people jump on the bandwagon it results in repetitiveness and lazy writing.

It also destroyed the idea of monster stories, they’re no longer a homage to terror. Now, if these monsters were not sexy or a romantic interest then they are reduced to a mindless one dimensional villain. So when did monster stories not become scary, when was it better to be the monsters we once feared?

Therefore in preparation to me wanting to write a vampire fiction which I want to read, here are plot devices I wish to no longer see in vampire fiction:

Issue #1: They only attend high school:

Before anyone @s me, I know exactly why they take place in high schools; it is aimed at kids these age however it makes no sense. If you were 100+ there is no way anyone would want to redo high school over and over. The first time was bad enough, I imagine the tenth just gets even more tedious. There’s nothing knew to learn and you are spending time around people who are in a completely different place. They are too much of your junior who have high school problems which you can’t relate to. As someone in my 20’s I find my teenage problems trivial, so someone living for at least a century must find it grating. You are so out of touch and honestly it will make you hate yourself an humanity even more.

I’m not even going to delve into how predatory it is to be involved romantically with someone 90 years your junior, especially when they are not even adults.

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Issue #2: Love overcomes everything with no struggle:

The male vampire in his natural habitat is a soulless cold killing machine but quickly switches to a big cheesy fluff-ball with no development simply with the love of a good woman. Cute, right? WRONG . Let us not forget the endless killing these beings have done and pain they have caused to mostly innocent people but we feel sympathy for them and root for them because they are in love. They are not good people still, there is no guilt and no struggle. This gives two additional points which are wrong with this. Firstly, the time scale, they haven’t known each other for long at all but are willing to risk it all. Secondly, is the ill writing of the woman, who is portrayed as so bland and void of nay personality, an object created purely to with the sole purpose to fall in love with him, which eliminates the anticipation if they are going to be together.

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Issue #3: The absence of any weaknesses:

The general tropes for all vampires have gone and they have quickie solutions as to why they are seemingly indestructible. Some of the older tropes were pretty cheesy, let us not lie to each other, the most iconic and hilarious being garlic or sleeping in a coffin. There’s no reason for this besides aesthetic. but there seems to be no real threat if vampires lived among us because sunlight doesn’t hurt them and holy water is a myth. They aren’t creatures of the night or eternally damned because humanising them is important.

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Issue #4: The sudden appearance of every other mythical creature:

It tends to be predominantly werewolves and then this results in a rivalry between them which often times develops into a frenemy relationship. This isn’t limited to werewolves, there are witches, doppelgangers, and mixes of all of these, the inter-species breeding is something else as well. One can apparently not exist without the other and it often distracts from the main issues. It gets a bit tedious and ineffective having undeveloped characters of different creatures and heavily rely on gang wars for no reason, the overkill is real.

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Issue #5: Immortality is always deemed as a good thing:

I have never been able to relate to this. They always think of immortal life as a goal, they believe in souls and know they are damned but every lead human is fine with this. Immortality would mean watching your loved one die and not seeing them because they will see you do not age. The main characters often times do not have terrible home lives and a loving family but are willing to give it up easily. I am not going into detail about the idea of living forever because it sounds depressing. There will be a point where you are content for it to end. Also the idea of actually living as a vampire doesn’t sound great; no taste of food, having to drink blood, fighting this and then hurting people.

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Issue #6: Family is of the utmost un-importance:

Aside from the person they are going to fall in love with, everyone else in their life is irrelevant. I would get it more if they had a terrible home life, no aspirations and future, which meant vampirism is the best option but that is hardly ever the case. The main characters usually have pretty good home lives and if not they have other things going for them. Family hardly ever makes an impact on their decision and I find that hard to understand and believe.

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Issue #7: BEING SEXY!

They are always the best looking in the room, stand out good looks, models. The talk of the town. Is there a requirement that you have to be a certain level of attractive before you can be turned or does turning make your bone structure reconstruct itself and become automatically thin? They never talk about them being average let alone plain. But seriously if I saw someone pale, translucent almost, and thin, never fluctuating in weight, I would think they were sickly. Especially if people hardly see them eat, or function as a normal person. But hey, sex sells.

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(Of course, I am putting in a gratuitous shower scene as the last image.)

 

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My Criticism of Critics: 90’s Cult Classics

A lesser known fact about me is that I love to watch movies, anything from absolute classics to things people have never heard about. A well known fact about me is that I procrastinate. By combining these two qualities, I choose to watch movies that are a bit trashy and use half my brain while watching. I start to watch a movie that I feel like doesn’t require effort then get massively involved. In the past few days I have seen my fair share of early 2000 bad bad teen movies. However, sprinkled in these I saw two cult classics which stood out.

The first being Empire records, which got called the Breakfast Club of the 90’s therefore after hearing that I couldn’t not watch it. The reviews of it were not as encouraging, it bombed in its initial release in 95 and had accumulated negative reviews. The one thing I learnt and will emphasise is to never trust critic reviews (after watching the disaster which is the Heathers and not being able to get past the first half of La La Land). Despite these flaws I sat ready to watch a mind numbing cheap knockoff of one of my favourite movies. The movie revolves around a bunch of teens working for minimum wage in a record store, they are wide range of different personalities colliding in this one spot. This job and the store is essentially a haven for them. The cast are very interesting, and you may notice a few familiar faces, the most recognisable being Renee Zellweger.

The first character we see is someone who clearly loves the store, this is Lucas who finds out that the store is being sold to a huge chain and tries to gain money to ensure this doesn’t happen. However, the way he attempts to save the store is by taking the stores earnings of $9000 that he was meant to the bank, instead he goes to Atlantic City and doubles his earnings (yay!) but then bets all of the $18000 and obviously loses it.

Suffice to say Joe, the store manager is pissed as he was going to use this money to be a partner in the new chain when it gets brought. Joe takes the news surprisingly well, and simply grounds Lucas to sit on the couch and think of a plan to get this money back. We meet more of the staff of empire records, one being AJ, a super cute aspiring artist who is infatuated with another store employee Corey (played by Steven Tyler’s daughter). Another employee and Corey’s best friend is Gina, her opposite being a loose girl with no aspirations. Another more minor but fun character is Mark, who we see occasionally rocking out.

One of my favourite character introductions was Deb, she comes in through the door and gives her two other female employees the finger as they greet her. I found her hostility unexpected considering how the rest of the group acts like family and it did make me chuckle. She walks into the bathroom and begins to cut her hair and while watching just thought after the first few cuts, “she can salvage this” or “her hair could look cute”. Then out comes the razor and her hair was completely shaved off. The other employees express concern in her state of mind.

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The film spans in the course of a day and on this particular day they are preparing for the arrival of a washed up singer to attend the store who the teenagers are less than excited to see. Prior to Rex Manning’s entrance the store encounters and detains a shoplifter in a hilarious and ridiculous way.

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I will not go on to sum up the whole plot as I encourage you to watch it (or if it doesn’t seem like your cup of tea then elsewhere will summarise the film better than me). I went into the movie with neither sky high or low expectations, I simply wanted something reminiscent of Breakfast Club and wanted to be entertained. It definitely fulfilled Breakfast Club feels as there were some parallels in the certain characters, Deb being Allison. Corey being Molly Ringwald-ish and Lucas being vaguely like Bender. It was very funny and it could easily relate to your high school job, the time just before university. Some scenarios were out there and exaggerated but it adds to the quirkiness of Empire Records. I just want to reiterate that this is no Shawshank Redemption or Forrest Gump, with it’s random dance scenes and moments when you just say “oh come on” to the characters however I could easily re-watch it and it is an extremely fun movie. It may not be entirely realistic but some parts were unexpected and it certainly was enjoyable.

In it’s time it never did well, never found the audience or the footing much like underappreciated works such as Freaks and Geeks, My So-Called Life and Pushing Daisies. However decades later I am glad to say that it has finally found it’s fan base and developed a cult following. I feel like it was before it’s time, and teens throughout the years can watch it feeling an affinity toward the characters and the store, making it easy to relate to the range of characters. An added bonus to empire records is obviously the soundtrack, the songs are banging, except well the Rex Manning songs which are, of course, laughable.

The comparative movie, Dazed and Confused, also taking place in the space of a day and featuring an ensemble cast, most notable being Ben Affleck and Matthew McConaughey. Also the guy who plays Lucas in Empire Records plays some stoner guy and also in it is Renee Zellweger. I don’t know the names of any character because of how bland they were which made them all seem like minor characters. I will try to talk about the plot but can honestly say that there wasn’t a plot. A bunch of high school guys which includes Ben Affleck and Football Dude who are enjoying their last day of school, these events include getting high in the halls, parking lot and class, which apparently the teachers just allow. They leave their busy class schedules to go to a middle school and threaten the students there, as a part of “hazing”. One student is singled out as his sister asked them to take it easy on him which obviously means they will hurt him even more. They go back to school, smoke more weed and then are asked to sign a pledge to not take drugs while they’re on the football team. The rest of the team do it knowing it’s an empty promise, however Football Dude decides not to sign it because it means giving away his individuality(?) and beliefs because clearly his morals are so strong (drugs, cheating and beating kids shows very strong morals) that he can’t lie. Then they paddle the middle school boys and the girls are berated, by being called sluts and bitches, getting food thrown at them and then cleaned in a car wash. The biggest question mark is that it seems voluntary for the girls, as one girl is asked if she wants to join which she agrees to. While the boys are hazed for proximity. The boy they threaten earlier escapes from Ben Affleck’s sociopathic character however they later spank him after tracking down his baseball game.

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(Me watching this movie)

The middle schooler is then invited by Football Dude to come to another character’s party. The parents decide to stay home after they see kegs being delivered so party cancelled. They loiter around, buy beer, knock peoples mail boxes down and then get high and drink. This includes the middle schooler, getting high and drinking for the first time. What is even more baffling is that the parents do not care that their kids drink or smoke marijuana in the house or come back at sunrise, not even if he is fifteen.

Dazed and Confused got positive reviews from critics in 1993 during it’s release and still to this day. I have no idea why, the plot is non existent, the characters bland and forgettable, despite the fact I watched it a few hours ago I can barely remember them. Empire records was panned by critics for its silliness and supposed “predictability” which are the traits that Dazed and Confused is loved for. They are making jerky characters with no inhibitions for the sake of them being like high schoolers who are more like burnouts, every character is pretty much the same and there is no character development, it is very see is what you get. None of the characters seem particularly familiar or likeable to me. There was no change from the start of the film to the end. it seemed very typical like every american sitcom ever but crammed into a space of an hour and a half. it even seemed like a bunch of dissaciated scenes on end. Everything spanning in a day seems too forced and the humour falls flat. I didn’t laugh once in this movie. However there must be a disclaimer, Dazed and Confused is said to reflect the American culture which I know from other movies but I am not american so maybe I can not relate to it as I never attended an American high school. However I have watched plenty of American movies and never found the culture an obstacle for me to relate or like a movie. Maybe if you are American you are the inclusive group who understand the charm but if not automatically you will not be able to understand it. Or perhaps it is even more niche and you have to have attended an American school in the 70’s to get it?

While Dazed and Confused was very lacklustre with zero charm and memorability (the songs were good, I guess), it met nothing but positive reviews. Everything that Dazed and Confused is praised for is what Empire Records is scrutinised for, where Empire Records was a fun watch. Both spanned a day but with more developed characters and day which marked some kind of importance in Empire Records whereas Dazed is much like it’s title with no redeemable traits.

 

The 30-Day Writing Challenge: Day 7

Day 7: Spoil the ending of your favourite movie without any context.

The handsome man storms the castle with his two new found comrades. It was a miracle that he was alive and even more of a miracle that he broke out of his paralysis so fast, with the from the help of an eccentric old man and his wife.

As a group, they cleverly come up with a plan to scare off the guards without sheer brute force. There are two main goals that these misfits want to achieve: love and revenge.

The handsome man in true fashion defeats the evil prince and saves his princess, whilst in that time still manages to say a great speech. thus, his quest for true love is complete.

By contrast, the other man is after the blood. He is seeking vengeance from the man who destroyed his life, who made his life he once knew disintegrate around him. The man who made him a killer. This ensues an epic sword fight where the noble gentleman is so close to losing, but at the last second, by a divine force, he manages to win.

This man leaves the revenge business and has new prospects. The last gentleman is simply happy to see this friend move on. Finally, they all leave the castle together on white horses.

Then it ends with a kiss. A truly passionate and pure kiss.

[For anyone who has watched this movie it is so obvious, otherwise it probably just seems too cheesy.]

I Hate Hollywood

“If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking.”
― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

Hello fellow randoms,
Warning: I’m kind of going to rant.
Hollywood or film makers, whatever, need to come up with new ideas. They need to come up with their own instead of ruining all my favourite best books. Lets all be honest, they practically ruined twilight, the books were great. The only movie that was good was the last one, the rest sucked. Also it started of this whole weird vampire/werewolf obsession and millions of other fantasy rip offs.

Hunger games- ruined. There were them stupid girls making teams for Peeta and Gale. Like wth?! That was done for twilight and mainly done for the actors (ahem Taylor Lautner). No, you ruined hunger games- not as bad as twilight but still.

They are making a city of bones movie. I watched the trailer and was not impressed so I sure hope the movie is better than the trailer. Otherwise they ruined another great book.

Another book I love is divergent, I read that in like a day and I absolutely love it. Guess what?! There is a divergent film- whoop de freaking doo. Don’t ruin it this time. There is already a hype starting and I hate it. People putting themselves into the groups, when it comes out people are probably going to be like “I’m so bad. I’m dauntless- I’m cool”. Well no. I hate hypes, I refuse to be part of them.

Thinking of making Delirium a film as well. Don’t mess up!

I honestly wouldn’t mind as long as they don’t f*ck them up all the time. If you’re going to make them, do it right.

Comment below and tell me what you think. Feel free to disagree too, if you like when books are made into movies or if you think film makers don’t mess it up. I’d love to hear it 🙂 thanks for reading.