Already In A Better Place This Year

This is NOT a New Years post. I have zero resolutions and goals right now. This is a birthday post. Today I turned 22. 

People say that 21 is the age to be and for them it may be but last year I wasn’t in a good place. Looking bad at my posts it seems my slump last longer than I previously believed. I was just in a mood for about half a year where I just felt sad for no reason at all. Like one day I could be perfectly fine pretending to be interesting then 3 seconds later feel like I will burst out in tears. 

I had a lot of downs and then it got to a point where I had no emotions whatsoever. I cried more than I ever have in my life in that period of time. 

Honestly, I really hated myself for feeling like that. Not just feeling sad but helpless. Like I would walk home at night and cry. Then I would quickly wipe my eyes making sure no one would realise I was crying before I entered the house. I can’t pinpoint where it started or even where it ended but writing this kinda makes me feel how I felt then. But I feel fine, I feel like I’ve grown. 

I remember the tears, and how small I once felt. I even remember sometimes when people would talk around me and I would have those out of body experiences where I could actually see life pass by around me and again I felt helpless. I remember the anger. 

And right now I’m feeling good. Like honestly my life right now is not what I want it to be but I feel positive about the future. My mood can easily be put down because life wasn’t easy like I wanted or because I think I’m a shit person.

Last year on my birthday I had plans and things to do like survive university. Things which should make me happy and hopeful. Going out with friends and having a good time. This year I stayed out home watched sitcoms, exercised (Side note: I exercised 3 out of the 4 days of this year, hopefully I can implement this into my life) and just relaxed. When I felt down, people would tell me not to be alone or that having nothing to do puts you down. I can’t control my life but I sure as hell can control how I feel. My being alone didn’t make me feel sad, last year company would distract me from me sometimes but I would get anxious and sad and get the out of body experience would persist but I would have pretend to be normal. I like being alone sometimes (well a lot). But I’m hanging out with friends and family all weekend. And I’m excited. 

Happy New Year and enjoy all the birthdays to come 🙂

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Two Thousand and Fifteen

This year I decided to abandon new years resolutions because, let’s be honest, who really abides by them for more than a week. In the past years I have made the same resolutions, if you are at all curious then you can read them here.

Even though I refuse to make resolutions this year there are things I think everyone should do, which I thought of during the past year.

1. Make a bucket list. Cross off at least one thing.

2. Barely pass engineering.

3. A big cliché but be happy. If you look back on the year and aren’t happy with it then it’s your own fault so be happy. Being positive can make such an impact. So ditch the negative atmosphere and be happy, it really can be that simple.

4. This sounds self centred but put myself first. I’m not a people pleaser or anything but I wouldn’t do things i wanted to do purely because I would be too scared or didn’t have enough self confidence.

I did nothing in the last year becuase i thought i had time but I spent most of my year procrastinating. As you can tell not a lot has changed as it’s almost the end of January as I post this.

Time really does go fast and it’s just so strange to think how fast the year actually went. Despite the fact that it went so fast, time didn’t stop it moved fast that you don’t even realise until after reflection. From last year so much has changed. I’ve started university. Made whole new groups of friends. Lost some friends which seemed impossible at the beginning of 2014. I’ve grown (not in height unfortunately). I think I’ve become more confident and less awkward.

I don’t want to talk about our own mortality but you really start to question it as time goes by. You could be gone at any moment so we should choose today to be happy and stay happy. Also the fact that I’ve recently turned 19 and wondered what I’ve done with my life. If I really was gone today then what would I leave behind. A few quid from a job I hate but too lazy to find a new one. Unfinished coursework. Journals and diaries which I’d never allow anyone read. My memories, my mind, everything I have done life dies with me. It is not immortalised by no means. I have no words or achievements great enough to be immortal through history or even stories. So I want to live long enough to change that. This is not a new years resolution it is a lifelong goal.

Have an even better year than the last.

Cheers To A New Year

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

Okay I kind of had to force myself to write this one but I ended up really getting into it. I want to talk about New Years resolutions.

Yes, it’s those stupid promises you make at the beginning of the year but break on the first week.
Every year I say that my resolution is to lose weight. That never happens.

I could if I really tried to. I also promise to study more. And be a better person.
The thing is I think that if I try hard enough I can be the person I want to be.

We could change our live in an instant. We could jump off a cliff. We could tell someone we love them. We could save someone’s life.
Jumping off a cliff wouldn’t improve our life but it just shows we are in control of our life. We have control and the ability to change our lives if we have the willpower.

I can be a better person.
I can lose weight.
I can study more.
I can change.

Do you know people say “be the change”. Well I never quite got that until now. You have to make it yourself, you have to become what you want to be and not wait for anyone or anything.

We can change our lives and the trick isn’t finding out how, it’s actually doing it.
It’s not about how much you want it, it’s what you are willing to do about it.

Happy holidays. Wish you a happy year with lots of smiles and happiness to come. Make this next year great.

Thanks for reading and what’s your New Years resolution? What do you want out of the New Year?