A Rare Display of Some Much Needed Positivity

I’m trying to dash a little positivity and self love on my blog (and life) instead of it being littered with cynicism and self deprication, which has been on it for years. So for the usual self pitying posts and sad thoughts read anything else on my blog except this one post. I will still be as cynical as ever but I can put it on hold for one post.

In theory, 2018 should be a hard year for me. Someone like me who is a little bit of a loose cannon emotionally, this should have been a toughie. It was like starting from zero. I graduated in 2017 and had failed to secure a job in the new year and continued a job where people severely annoy me (not the workers, they alright but never underestimate the stupidity of the general public).
I work part time with so much time in between, whilst all my friends are either working full time or are still studying. While I have all this free time by myself, I should feel alone or I should feel empty. Especially when all my life I have been busy Monday to Saturday. It was easy to feel sad.

But for once I haven’t. Where I could feel sad and procrastinate and ignore my choices in life. This was truly the time for self reflection to which I still procrastinated. But guilt-free procrastination with no consequences, I didn’t know such a life existed.

Not too many people get to know themselves, understand what they want; instead life is thrust toward them without a breather. I still don’t know what I want but I’m closer.

I had no need to procrastinate so my creativity depleted in a very negative way. I learnt I do my best work when I really should not. But when in my life will I ever get this opportunity to do whatever I want? Wake up, write, do whatever, whenever. This was it. It was a new start.

I did apply for a lot of jobs with no outcome, just plenty of rejections. I have to admit I didn’t write or draw as much as I want because I was simply so uninspired but I didn’t just stay in bed and watch shows I don’t really care about.

Finally after many months of wihtholding exercise, it was time. Self improvement had to begin so self loathing could stop. No more self deprication, well only for humour purposes. Purely because I had so much time I didnt know what to do with, I started to exercise whenever I could, forcing myself to do it even when I didn’t want to. Eventually it became part of my schedule. And months on, I have never felt better. I have never been completely happy with my body, my stomach never be flat enough, my arms too much area of the bat wings, not having a singular chin. I lost a few kilos (not nearly as much as I wanted to) and felt good. The weight stopped being a problem, I didn’t have the need to contantly weigh myself because I was feeling good. I fit better in clothes, I fit into clothes which I couldn’t squeeze into for years. I couldn’t see too much of the impact but literally everyone else could. Regardless, I was getting more comfortable with my body even if I couldn’t see the results like everyone else. Then it happened, I was exercising one day. and I felt- MUSCLES. Like muscles I’ve never had before. It didnt matter that the weight was coming back because I liked how my body was turning out. Like I am a long way from my ideal and even though I am exercising, my diet needs to follow.

I was doing a good job keeping myself happy and healthy. I wasn’t feeling down or depressed. I genuinely felt good. It was like those years I spent feeling like shit were so distant. When, in reality, they really weren’t. The feeling of sadness seemed so strange to me, like even if I wasn’t happy, being sad was always automatically followed but now it was contentment and just living. With that mindset things felt like they were falling into place. I was getting somewhere on the job front too. I was getting some interviews and assessment centres and then eventually I got a job offer. An actual good job in engineering.

(Also why is it when I got a job more offers were coming through. Too little too late bud.)

That is pretty much my life right now. It hasn’t been too crazy or eventful. But its been good. I needed it.

Advertisements

Already In A Better Place This Year

This is NOT a New Years post. I have zero resolutions and goals right now. This is a birthday post. Today I turned 22. 

People say that 21 is the age to be and for them it may be but last year I wasn’t in a good place. Looking bad at my posts it seems my slump last longer than I previously believed. I was just in a mood for about half a year where I just felt sad for no reason at all. Like one day I could be perfectly fine pretending to be interesting then 3 seconds later feel like I will burst out in tears. 

I had a lot of downs and then it got to a point where I had no emotions whatsoever. I cried more than I ever have in my life in that period of time. 

Honestly, I really hated myself for feeling like that. Not just feeling sad but helpless. Like I would walk home at night and cry. Then I would quickly wipe my eyes making sure no one would realise I was crying before I entered the house. I can’t pinpoint where it started or even where it ended but writing this kinda makes me feel how I felt then. But I feel fine, I feel like I’ve grown. 

I remember the tears, and how small I once felt. I even remember sometimes when people would talk around me and I would have those out of body experiences where I could actually see life pass by around me and again I felt helpless. I remember the anger. 

And right now I’m feeling good. Like honestly my life right now is not what I want it to be but I feel positive about the future. My mood can easily be put down because life wasn’t easy like I wanted or because I think I’m a shit person.

Last year on my birthday I had plans and things to do like survive university. Things which should make me happy and hopeful. Going out with friends and having a good time. This year I stayed out home watched sitcoms, exercised (Side note: I exercised 3 out of the 4 days of this year, hopefully I can implement this into my life) and just relaxed. When I felt down, people would tell me not to be alone or that having nothing to do puts you down. I can’t control my life but I sure as hell can control how I feel. My being alone didn’t make me feel sad, last year company would distract me from me sometimes but I would get anxious and sad and get the out of body experience would persist but I would have pretend to be normal. I like being alone sometimes (well a lot). But I’m hanging out with friends and family all weekend. And I’m excited. 

Happy New Year and enjoy all the birthdays to come 🙂

Two Thousand and Fifteen

This year I decided to abandon new years resolutions because, let’s be honest, who really abides by them for more than a week. In the past years I have made the same resolutions, if you are at all curious then you can read them here.

Even though I refuse to make resolutions this year there are things I think everyone should do, which I thought of during the past year.

1. Make a bucket list. Cross off at least one thing.

2. Barely pass engineering.

3. A big cliché but be happy. If you look back on the year and aren’t happy with it then it’s your own fault so be happy. Being positive can make such an impact. So ditch the negative atmosphere and be happy, it really can be that simple.

4. This sounds self centred but put myself first. I’m not a people pleaser or anything but I wouldn’t do things i wanted to do purely because I would be too scared or didn’t have enough self confidence.

I did nothing in the last year becuase i thought i had time but I spent most of my year procrastinating. As you can tell not a lot has changed as it’s almost the end of January as I post this.

Time really does go fast and it’s just so strange to think how fast the year actually went. Despite the fact that it went so fast, time didn’t stop it moved fast that you don’t even realise until after reflection. From last year so much has changed. I’ve started university. Made whole new groups of friends. Lost some friends which seemed impossible at the beginning of 2014. I’ve grown (not in height unfortunately). I think I’ve become more confident and less awkward.

I don’t want to talk about our own mortality but you really start to question it as time goes by. You could be gone at any moment so we should choose today to be happy and stay happy. Also the fact that I’ve recently turned 19 and wondered what I’ve done with my life. If I really was gone today then what would I leave behind. A few quid from a job I hate but too lazy to find a new one. Unfinished coursework. Journals and diaries which I’d never allow anyone read. My memories, my mind, everything I have done life dies with me. It is not immortalised by no means. I have no words or achievements great enough to be immortal through history or even stories. So I want to live long enough to change that. This is not a new years resolution it is a lifelong goal.

Have an even better year than the last.

Cheers To A New Year

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

Okay I kind of had to force myself to write this one but I ended up really getting into it. I want to talk about New Years resolutions.

Yes, it’s those stupid promises you make at the beginning of the year but break on the first week.
Every year I say that my resolution is to lose weight. That never happens.

I could if I really tried to. I also promise to study more. And be a better person.
The thing is I think that if I try hard enough I can be the person I want to be.

We could change our live in an instant. We could jump off a cliff. We could tell someone we love them. We could save someone’s life.
Jumping off a cliff wouldn’t improve our life but it just shows we are in control of our life. We have control and the ability to change our lives if we have the willpower.

I can be a better person.
I can lose weight.
I can study more.
I can change.

Do you know people say “be the change”. Well I never quite got that until now. You have to make it yourself, you have to become what you want to be and not wait for anyone or anything.

We can change our lives and the trick isn’t finding out how, it’s actually doing it.
It’s not about how much you want it, it’s what you are willing to do about it.

Happy holidays. Wish you a happy year with lots of smiles and happiness to come. Make this next year great.

Thanks for reading and what’s your New Years resolution? What do you want out of the New Year?

Beginnings

“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!”
― C. JoyBell C.

People may have a story to share or a heart wrenching tale which gets them to blog. Well for me I guess it’s just something I’ve wanted to for a while, the idea of something being yours and where you can share anything. But the idea of putting yourself out there is kind of daunting. To be honest I had to build up a lot of nerve to do this. I guess I was just afraid. Of what? Your guess is as good as mine.
Seeing as this is the first blog I wanted to talk about beginnings. I’m not going to lie, but they suck. Simply because something had to end for a new beginning, and at times they’re not always better its about making the best of it.
For me I hate beginnings, it’s starting over. New people, new experiences, new everything, essentially a new life. Sometimes things can change for the better but other times this is not the case.

I wrote this blog because its always something I’ve wanted to do but something held me back. Maybe I was scared of what other people may think or say but I’m tired of being scared. I always considered myself quite a shy, reserved person but I don’t wanna be that all my life. I’m not saying I’ll change right away or change completely because I don’t want that. I guess out with the negative qualities and thoughts and soak up the good and i know it wont happen right away but its a start.