Already In A Better Place This Year

This is NOT a New Years post. I have zero resolutions and goals right now. This is a birthday post. Today I turned 22. 

People say that 21 is the age to be and for them it may be but last year I wasn’t in a good place. Looking bad at my posts it seems my slump last longer than I previously believed. I was just in a mood for about half a year where I just felt sad for no reason at all. Like one day I could be perfectly fine pretending to be interesting then 3 seconds later feel like I will burst out in tears. 

I had a lot of downs and then it got to a point where I had no emotions whatsoever. I cried more than I ever have in my life in that period of time. 

Honestly, I really hated myself for feeling like that. Not just feeling sad but helpless. Like I would walk home at night and cry. Then I would quickly wipe my eyes making sure no one would realise I was crying before I entered the house. I can’t pinpoint where it started or even where it ended but writing this kinda makes me feel how I felt then. But I feel fine, I feel like I’ve grown. 

I remember the tears, and how small I once felt. I even remember sometimes when people would talk around me and I would have those out of body experiences where I could actually see life pass by around me and again I felt helpless. I remember the anger. 

And right now I’m feeling good. Like honestly my life right now is not what I want it to be but I feel positive about the future. My mood can easily be put down because life wasn’t easy like I wanted or because I think I’m a shit person.

Last year on my birthday I had plans and things to do like survive university. Things which should make me happy and hopeful. Going out with friends and having a good time. This year I stayed out home watched sitcoms, exercised (Side note: I exercised 3 out of the 4 days of this year, hopefully I can implement this into my life) and just relaxed. When I felt down, people would tell me not to be alone or that having nothing to do puts you down. I can’t control my life but I sure as hell can control how I feel. My being alone didn’t make me feel sad, last year company would distract me from me sometimes but I would get anxious and sad and get the out of body experience would persist but I would have pretend to be normal. I like being alone sometimes (well a lot). But I’m hanging out with friends and family all weekend. And I’m excited. 

Happy New Year and enjoy all the birthdays to come 🙂

Advertisements

October Writing Challenge: Day 15

In a word: escapism. I like not thinking about what ever has me feeling down. I avoid problems. 

So when I feel down, I binge watch something. Read a book. Browse online. What makes me feel better is not thinking about things. When I feel like the problem is small enough or I acquire some courage to deal with it then I do but only after I’ve avoided the problem for a long enough time and possibly made it worse. I just like to step back and think about it.

I would like to just escape from my problems constantly. So escapism is there but it’s not the solution. For a while you can have problems that aren’t yours, you know it doesn’t affect you. There’s no consequences and no risk. It’s good for a while. At the very least. 

Can’t Help But Be Mad

So that sadness I constantly felt, well, awesome news: I’ve graduated from that feeling. However, now I have transcended to being angry. I can’t help but be pissed off with everything. If in the past people have thought that I have no have patience for others, then they should see me now. 

I loved university.. for the first 2 years. now nothing makes me happier than the thought of leaving. Maybe it’s not being pissed all the time but having no time for other people’s bullshit. 

Scenario: the person your friend liked who you never liked and you know he acted like a fucking idiot toward her, approaches us. They’re talking they have some flirty vibe and you point blank say, “all the guys in this uni fucking suck.” Then look at him straight in the eye. I actually dont have a problem with men, at all, however i would have confessed to a murder if that would mean he left. Obviously not even my friends appreciated that but I still dont regret saying that to him. 

I’m so angry that it would be easier if people found me stand-offish and would rather walk away from the little ball of hate.

Scenario dos: the person you dealt with for a year but really don’t like becomes to much for you. This girl constantly trying to buddy her way to my friends but is still rude to them. I have had enough and feel like I didn’t need to deal with it for any longer so I stopped. The way when they talk about her I just try to stop it in an obvious way and they say “wow you really hate her.” Most of the time I just say what theyre all thinking yet it blows up in my face. Being honest isn’t enough for people. 

My mum always tells me that being blunt is my problem. “You can say the nicest thing yet if someone says something meaner but with a sweeter attitude they will prefer what the other person said.” 

I cant help but be angry. I don’t know what it is. 

I am always the bad guy. When people say they are the protagonist in their own life, I somehow still turn out to be the villain in mine.

Today Was A Fucking Weird Day

So I felt like absolute shit in the morning and me being stupid and not wanting to speak about it with anyone. Just ignored it. Just before I left my house after feeling absolutely awful, I forced myself to text one of my best friends something hella cryptic. 

It was like, with no hello or any greeting just said, “is it okay if i vent to you about something even if you think its stupid?” Fully knowing she was asleep but it had to be her. 

I went to work where I felt surprisingly okay. Like I felt fine, not anxious or panicky. Eventually when I took a five minute break, I just started breathing really heavily and went to the bathroom. I saw my friends reply too. I thought I was fine so was reluctant to tell her about my brief weak moment. She persisted so I told her how I feel really sad and just wanna cry. The fact I don’t feel like myself. 

I only wanted to text her but said that I’d call her after work because she had something to tell me too. 

When we spoke she told me it was bigger than I thought and that her thing seemed so insignificant in comparison. She wants me to see someone. She told me to speak to my mum. She told me to ask our other best friend. She made me not feel like I was being dumb.

I did get home and had this whole family thing. My cousin was around along with my mum, dad and brother. So we had to do some moving and then when that happened, it was me and my mum. I felt awkward like I should ask her what depression feels like, so I don’t need to ask the internet. So once again today, because I knew I wouldnt get this opportunity again, simply asked, “mum what did depression feel like?”

She asked me, without knowing what my reaction would be, “why do you think you have it?” 

And thats when it happened. I cried so much. Like everything I held back just came out and in front of someone I really do not want to stress. Even those posts about me crying not once did I allow myself to do so. The last time I genuinely cried was when 7 years ago when my grandad died. So I was like a baby in my mums arms. She just spoke to me. But I couldn’t say why I felt like this or anything. She couldn’t pinpoint it just like me. She got my brother and once again I started crying. And, boy, I have never seen my brother so concerned. They are all confused. 

My dad then called and then I cried so much over the phone. And he knows I’m not this kind of person. 

My mum wants me to speak to her whenever I feel bad. She wants me to call a helpline if I can’t.

But it is getting to easy to cry.

Why do I feel so bad with such loving people around me? 

I Wanna Cry For No Reason 

​I just wanna go home and cry. Put on the saddest maybe even angriest songs I can possibly find and just cry. 
Possible candidates:
I Never Cry by Alice Cooper
Bury by Pay Money To My Pain
Tell Me Why by the Penpals
Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance
Dead Memories by Slipknot
What A Catch, Donnie by Fall Out Boy
When I See Your Smile by Bad English

Any other recommendations?

Never Be Sad Alone

I think I’m sick of shouting into the void
Only hearing my own echo once again
A lost soul that returns back to a shell which has been destroyed
I guess that’s the end then.

I don’t know why I’ve felt quite down lately but I tried looking into just talking to people. I called some friends but can’t bug them all the time so was looking at people to talk to online.
In the end I feel like my problems mean nothing but it’s hard for people who do need help. So if you’re reading this and you are a poor lost soul then you can talk to me. I don’t know who reads this but I want this to be a safe space. I don’t care if you think your problems aren’t big but if it’s enough to upset you then please drop your email and I’ll reply.

I Don’t Feel A Lot Of Emotion

As the title suggests: I am not one to feel a lot of emotion. I think that my range of emotion is mild; a spectrum spanning from discomfort to happiness. I am unsure on how to estimate the level of happiness I genuinely feel because when I experience it I’m quite sure it’s real but when I look back on it im unsure if it was happiness. I begin to get confused as to whether or not I’ve ever actually been happy. I start to define happiness and know that I can’t. In my mind I start to think that if I can’t put a level on it how can I determine how true it is. I don’t know if it’s a character in a sad play or a smile to keep the others around me content.

I guess the reason I do this is because a love them. This is another emotion, I guess, but the love I’ve always experienced is that of fondness. A love for a friend or that of a parent.
When my range of emotions start to play up, I am completely helpless in trying to identify them. It causes me to overthink. Create feelings that were never there. It makes me deluded. It makes me uncomfortable. I am forced to go back to only thinking.

I don’t know if I am able to truly love someone in a romantic way. Sometimes I wish I had someone but I couldn’t give them what they want. I like having friends but often I get confused.

I’ll put it into perspective, simply to show how he was being platonic. I want to emphasise that I like boundaries. I like my own space. But don’t mind an occasional hug from a friend.

The situation: I had cut my hand and he wanted to make sure it was okay but I simply pulled my hand away quite abruptly and chuckled “my hand is a little dry but I’m fine.” I think he thought it was odd but people think of me as odd anyway. Someone I didn’t think I liked, the first time he tried to touch me I had the most awkward reaction.
But why when he said goodbye, and I didn’t want a hug, why was I nervous and why was I sad.
Why am I so sure I don’t like him but feel unsure?

Nothing will happen and our goodbye shall remain as that. This is the end.

My 10% of emotions I feel still lingering so I’ll continue to not have emotions until they’re truly not there.

I Outlived My “Emo” Phase

I was, if my memory serves me right, 16 when I got into rock music and only wanted to wear black. It’s not a phase everyone had but it is one that a lot of teenagers have. The days were My Chemical Romance was salvation for a kid who didn’t quite fit in.

I did enter this stage later than most, where I see 13 year olds having the same phase but they’ve grown out of it.
For me, it’s probably something I will never grow out of. During my high school years I had few friends but I’m glad to say I still speak to the majority of them. Because of my close knit friendship group, I didn’t fit in with anyone else. I didn’t have an urge to be popular but it was more the snide remarks from others that would hurt. People often forget that you’re not an adult at 16, because they want to compare it to the shit they see on TV. You think you’re grown up at 16 but you’re a child. Anything happens and it will affect you.
Me being told I’m ugly at 15 has still damaged me up to today when I’m 20. I’m often told that I’m horrible to myself and that I should improve my self esteem but it’s easier said that done.
My so called emo years helped me to deal with everything. It helped me to grow as a person and just to take one day at a time. I never cried when shit happened. But sometimes I have these moments when everything seems so horrible and I have music. I liked the teenage angst and the guitar solos.

The reason I wanted to write this was because I’m not allowed to have teenage angst at 20 but I still do. I also still see that there are kids that still listen to this music and it helps them more than it helped me. It makes me happy that this music will still live on in these people’s heart even when they outlive this thing they will one day call a phase.

I truly believe I did not have an emo phase. I never got the scene haircut, I just used to hide behind my fringe. I didn’t always wear black. But my skin was pale and my hair was dark however my eyeliner was never as dark as I wanted it to be. So when people called me an emo or a goth I didn’t care. Because the people that were my heroes were called this and they weren’t so I didn’t mind.

I’m 20 and I will probably always love My Chemical Romance and listen to Fall Out Boy. I will forever have a crush on Gerard Way and think that Andy Biersack is hot. I will forever remember their lyrics because the memories were too great for me not to. They were too kind to me during the years and somehow understood me.

Writing Challenge: Day Eight

I tried to do a 30 day writing challenge ages ago but it pretty much failed as i only did it for seven days. I had day 8 ready but never published it so I decided to put it out here anyway. I hope you enjoy it.

Day 8: Choose a song title as a prompt for a short story.
When I Get Home You’re So Dead (Mayday Parade)

The bright light of the computer screen burned my eyes after a long day of just staring at it. I felt the need to gouge my eyes out to stop the stinging. My job requires me to spend hours on end looking at this blinding painful light where I am unable to do anything other than just that. I was broken out of my trance by the vibration of my phone against the desk which caused a loud sound to be heard throughout the whole office, I quickly grabbed it to stop the disruption without checking the caller.
“Marvin, sweetie,” said sweet old Deidre Simmons. She lives next door to me along with her husband and three cats. She brings soup when my kids or me are sick and always sends over holiday cards ever since we moved on her street a few years ago.
“Hello, Deedee.”
Before I could continue the niceties she interrupted me by saying. “There is someone in your house.”
A worry floated to the surface of my mind which made me unable to speak. Deedee continued, “the lights are turned on and I can hear them moving things. I also saw someone in your garden about five minutes ago. I thought I’d tell you before I call the police.”
“No, no Deedee. No need for that.” She may have detected the urgency of my voice so I’d better explain myself. “I’m sitting in the house. I left work early because I’m not feeling well. And silly me, I managed to lock myself out so got the spare from the garden.”
“Should I come over? I’ll bring some soup over, dear.”
“No, it’s fine. I’m going to take a nap, Deedee.”
“Well, dear, you tell me if you need anything.”
“Thank you. Good night.”
It’s useful to have neighbours like her because only a lady like that would believe a lie like that because I was really still in the office, a really shitty day at the office. I hate my colleagues, boss and job. I packed up my things and was ready to walk away scot free until a few colleagues came into my cubicle.
“Hey, Marvin. We’re off to the pub. Join us for a drink or two?” The blonde man in HR whose name I could never remember offered me to come, backed with a few others. I recognised some from my department, as well as accountancy and international relations. “Sorry, people. Not tonight.” I began to wrap my scarf around my neck.
“Come on, mate. The kids are at your sister-in-laws tonight. So you are a free man.”
“Exactly, so I have the house to myself. I’m feeling a quiet night in.” I slowly put on my gloves.
The young woman with glasses emerged from the back to say, “Alright Marvin. But we will get you next time.”
My boss popped his head out of his office and piped up. “What do you mean that you are not coming to the pub? It’s a Friday night.”
“I’m just tired,” I said as I grabbed my bag.
“We’ll let it slide this one time. Good job today mate.”
“Cheers, mate. Have a good night guys.” I waved goodbye to them as I leave the office.
I could hear an encore of “take care, Mar.”
I hated all of them. I would never go on a night out with them again. They are all idiots so I’m constantly surrounded by morons. At least I can go home.

I would not be surprised when I get home, but that person is as good as dead. I would do what I always do, check my card at the exact time and get the same train at the same time with the same shoes and scarf and jacket. This is me. My life has been stationary for a long time. But not today.

Something will happen. Something is going to change.

I arrived outside my house the same time as always. Not long after Deedee called me. I knew it was no robber. Firstly because I have nothing worth stealing. The few bank cards I own are always in my wallet with me. I have no extra cash, my savings are all locked up safely. I have no car, no valuables such as gold. My television is standard not worth the trouble to steal. I own no computer, just a laptop which gets me by for my commute home.
The second hint is that if it was, indeed, a robber he would know this by now and left; but instead the intruder is still in my house.

I entered the house quietly. Only to hear the TV on the sports channel and the radio blasting to obnoxious rap music. The intruder had his feet up on my table shouting at the telly. “You always did have shitty taste,” I shouted referring to the music.
“Yeah, that counts for women too.” He said smugly, not turning his head from the tv.
“You’re still a dick.”
This time he did face me, “Come on. We are buddies right, Marvin. Best buddies in fact.”
“I fucking hate you.”
“Oh, you are still upset about your wife aren’t you.”
“Don’t talk about her.”
“Come on Marvin, she was a bitch.”
“Go fuck yourself.”
“Oh, so touchy. Have a pint and take a seat. I have 200 pounds on the next horse.”
I looked around and realised how at home he made himself. Empty alcohol bottles. His hands in pack of doritos and a bowl of popcorn on his lap. There was also popcorn on the floor which he had obviously hurled at the television in anger.
“Seriously, why are you here?”
“To see if we could reconcile, obviously.”
That means he needed money. “I’m not giving you money. You are going to reimburse me for all this food and then you are going to leave.”
“Has this coldness arised because i slept with your wife? Because even though she begged for it, she was kind of a disappointing fuck.”
“Don’t talk about Ellie like that.” She may have slept with this vile thing but she was still my wife.
“Oh yeah. It’s not socially acceptable to speak ill mannered of the dead.”
“Disgusting. Truly a picture of a pathetic man.” Looking at him, my former best friend from childhood. A man of many words and names but none were good. He was slimy, motivated only by money in a stained t shirt and tracksuit bottoms. He looked older than he was, with his greasy hair and sparse stubble. He was a pretty attractive fellow but not as the man he was now. He sat with his feet up with his torn trainers and had his hands in his pants. I spoke up as he was in a trance to the TV. “Look at you, you’re disgusting.” I started to laugh a bitter laugh but it grew weaker until my voice started to shake. “But she still loved you and she chose you over me.”
“You know I’m a ladies man,” she said, clearly full of pride about his appearance.
“If you’re not going to leave, then answer a few questions.”
“No can do, buddy boy. Not with out a price at least.”
“You have go to be fucking with me.”
“Well, you want answers. I want money. It’s a decent exchange. One question for 50 pounds.”
“No.”
“Mates rates. 20 quid.”
I stood there in shock, not of his despicable offer but in shock of myself. His despicable offer appealed to me.
“How long were you guys, you know?” I couldn’t even bring myself to say sleeping together because then it means I’ve acknowledged it and that just brings it to close to my reality.
“Fucking?” He thought for a while before asking, “how long were you married for?”
“12 years.”
“In that case, 11 and a half years. I told you that your kid never looked like you.”
“Keep my kids out of this.”
“Ah, it’s cute you still think they’re yours. I love your naivety. But I guess that’s what Elle loved too, when she was sneaking around all those years.”
“Why did you do it? We were like family.”
“It’s simple: why not? She was easy. She was always around. And I’m a dirtbag.”
“Why was she gonna leave then?”
“Well, that’s kind of a funny story. She was getting clingy so I tried to break it off. I told her to make a choice between us. And she chose me. Isn’t that just the most hilariously pathetic thing you have ever heard? I treated her like shit for years, where you treated her like a queen and yet she chose me. Even after 12 years you were still blindly in love with her.”
“You’re lying.”
“I don’t get paid unless I tell the truth.”
“You say you broke up with her, she meant nothing. She wasn’t stupid.”
“Love makes you stupid.”
“Is that your excuse too?”
He flinched. I had definitely struck a nerve. “You did love her. You wanted her to choose me because if Ellie chose you then you would have ran away with her. You loved her which made it difficult.”
“Stop saying that. She was a bitch. She cheated on you with me. She was a whore.” I had never seen this look on him, or anyone. It was a mixture of pure sadness and disgust. Disgust in himself or in her. Maybe both.
That’s all I needed. “I will have the paternity test results soon and even if all of them turn out to be your kids, I will keep them and love them. You will never ever be a part of their lives.”
“Then why aren’t they living with you now? Isn’t it because you didn’t want anything of my bloodline near you?”
“Don’t flatter yourself. It’s because I’ve been expecting you. You are too predictable. I didn’t want you near them. Hey, I thought I might even beat you half to death but seeing this look on your face. I can’t kill something this beautiful. I need to remember when I’m feeling down that you will be somewhere in a gutter with that look, whilst I’m surrounded by my beautiful kids. Even my coworkers seem beautiful now. I should thank you.”
“Thank me? After everything I did to you?”
“Yes.”
There was a long pause.
“Fine, whatever helps you sleep at night. Where’s my money?”
“Well, you answered four questions. So that’s 80 pounds. Minus the damages. So 50 for food and drink. The damage of my tv is 750. Damages to the house is 125. The mess all over my walls and carpet would be 65 to get it cleaned. And let’s round that up to a nice even number 1000 minus your 80. You owe me 920 pounds.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Maybe someone as broke as you can see a good offer. Never bother me or my family again. I don’t even want to see you near my colleagues. Then you owe me nothing.”
“But we are buds.”
“Take the offer and leave. Unless you have that 920.”
“Goodbye Mar. We really were brothers at one point. Maybe we can see each other again. When you are not angry.”
“I’m not angry. How can I be angry at a dead person. As far as I’m concerned, the day I came home from work and I found her dead on the bathroom floor is the day you died with her. I buried you in the ground along with the one you love.”
“So, this is goodbye for real.”
“It’s more like a fuck off, have a terrible life.”
“Imagine, if one kid was mine and looked for me.”
“My kids would never search for trash. If that were to ever happen you ignore them. They’re better off with out you.”
He left in the dark cold night. Limping of further and further in a distance until finally he was gone.
I dropped to the sofa and took a deep sigh. A sigh of contentment. I was almost floating.
It was in the middle of the night. My sister in law and kids will probably be asleep but now I could see them.

I rushed out the house with one focus on my mind. To see them.

I knocked on the door to act as nonchalant as possible. Sarah emerged moments later rubbing her eyes. “Marv? It’s late.”
“I just wanna see my kids.”
“They’re upstairs, fast asleep. Like you should be,” she yawned.
I ran upstairs knocking things over in my way. The two oldest boys slept in one room. I rammed open the door to discover one still awake on the phone. Where the other completely unaware as he slept in his bed. “He missed you. Took me ages to put him to sleep. You better not wake him up now.”
“Oh, just he missed me? ”
“Yep,;couldn’t shut up. Like I said too fucking annoying. ”
“Language. ”
“Alright. Dad, don’t ever fucking leave us again.”
“Alright, I won’t you little shit.”
“Language.”
I checked the youngest ones room. I tried to be as quiet as possible to not wake her up. She always was a light sleeper. She fluttered her eyes open. “Papa, I missed you. Are you back for good?”
“I was always here. Looking over you guys.” I kissed her forehead as I rocked her to sleep. The light snores were an indication that it was okay to leave.
I tiptoed out of the room. Out the door into the door to the far right.

I walked into the room and she lay on the bed waiting for me, with a grin over her face. I got into the covers with the woman I loved and lingered my head over her just before she kisses me passionately. “Hey.”
“Hi.”
“Did you sort him out?”
“It’s all sorted. He’s gone for good.”
“That’s great. I can’t believe she loved him. It’s kind of sick.”
“Yep. He thought that the kids might have been his. I tested them ages ago. The idiot was bluffing anyway, the years of damage he’s done to himself has made him infertile.”
She laughed. Wickedly yet almost innocently. As innocent as she could be with her legs draped around me and her body pressed against me. “So, he’s gone. She’s gone. We have the kids. Now what?”
“What we planned.” I wrapped my arms around her. “We get to be together. No one can stop us now.”
“That was a great plan.”
She embraced me as I place my lips on hers.
As Marvin coddled his dead wives’ sister, he was truly happy.
“Hey babe.” Sarah said.
“Mm.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”