One Last Goodbye

Tears may fall from them,

But my grief cannot be seen,

I watch as they mourn.

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Can’t Help But Be Mad

So that sadness I constantly felt, well, awesome news: I’ve graduated from that feeling. However, now I have transcended to being angry. I can’t help but be pissed off with everything. If in the past people have thought that I have no have patience for others, then they should see me now. 

I loved university.. for the first 2 years. now nothing makes me happier than the thought of leaving. Maybe it’s not being pissed all the time but having no time for other people’s bullshit. 

Scenario: the person your friend liked who you never liked and you know he acted like a fucking idiot toward her, approaches us. They’re talking they have some flirty vibe and you point blank say, “all the guys in this uni fucking suck.” Then look at him straight in the eye. I actually dont have a problem with men, at all, however i would have confessed to a murder if that would mean he left. Obviously not even my friends appreciated that but I still dont regret saying that to him. 

I’m so angry that it would be easier if people found me stand-offish and would rather walk away from the little ball of hate.

Scenario dos: the person you dealt with for a year but really don’t like becomes to much for you. This girl constantly trying to buddy her way to my friends but is still rude to them. I have had enough and feel like I didn’t need to deal with it for any longer so I stopped. The way when they talk about her I just try to stop it in an obvious way and they say “wow you really hate her.” Most of the time I just say what theyre all thinking yet it blows up in my face. Being honest isn’t enough for people. 

My mum always tells me that being blunt is my problem. “You can say the nicest thing yet if someone says something meaner but with a sweeter attitude they will prefer what the other person said.” 

I cant help but be angry. I don’t know what it is. 

I am always the bad guy. When people say they are the protagonist in their own life, I somehow still turn out to be the villain in mine.

Today Was A Fucking Weird Day

So I felt like absolute shit in the morning and me being stupid and not wanting to speak about it with anyone. Just ignored it. Just before I left my house after feeling absolutely awful, I forced myself to text one of my best friends something hella cryptic. 

It was like, with no hello or any greeting just said, “is it okay if i vent to you about something even if you think its stupid?” Fully knowing she was asleep but it had to be her. 

I went to work where I felt surprisingly okay. Like I felt fine, not anxious or panicky. Eventually when I took a five minute break, I just started breathing really heavily and went to the bathroom. I saw my friends reply too. I thought I was fine so was reluctant to tell her about my brief weak moment. She persisted so I told her how I feel really sad and just wanna cry. The fact I don’t feel like myself. 

I only wanted to text her but said that I’d call her after work because she had something to tell me too. 

When we spoke she told me it was bigger than I thought and that her thing seemed so insignificant in comparison. She wants me to see someone. She told me to speak to my mum. She told me to ask our other best friend. She made me not feel like I was being dumb.

I did get home and had this whole family thing. My cousin was around along with my mum, dad and brother. So we had to do some moving and then when that happened, it was me and my mum. I felt awkward like I should ask her what depression feels like, so I don’t need to ask the internet. So once again today, because I knew I wouldnt get this opportunity again, simply asked, “mum what did depression feel like?”

She asked me, without knowing what my reaction would be, “why do you think you have it?” 

And thats when it happened. I cried so much. Like everything I held back just came out and in front of someone I really do not want to stress. Even those posts about me crying not once did I allow myself to do so. The last time I genuinely cried was when 7 years ago when my grandad died. So I was like a baby in my mums arms. She just spoke to me. But I couldn’t say why I felt like this or anything. She couldn’t pinpoint it just like me. She got my brother and once again I started crying. And, boy, I have never seen my brother so concerned. They are all confused. 

My dad then called and then I cried so much over the phone. And he knows I’m not this kind of person. 

My mum wants me to speak to her whenever I feel bad. She wants me to call a helpline if I can’t.

But it is getting to easy to cry.

Why do I feel so bad with such loving people around me? 

I Wanna Cry For No Reason 

​I just wanna go home and cry. Put on the saddest maybe even angriest songs I can possibly find and just cry. 
Possible candidates:
I Never Cry by Alice Cooper
Bury by Pay Money To My Pain
Tell Me Why by the Penpals
Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance
Dead Memories by Slipknot
What A Catch, Donnie by Fall Out Boy
When I See Your Smile by Bad English

Any other recommendations?

Never Be Sad Alone

I think I’m sick of shouting into the void
Only hearing my own echo once again
A lost soul that returns back to a shell which has been destroyed
I guess that’s the end then.

I don’t know why I’ve felt quite down lately but I tried looking into just talking to people. I called some friends but can’t bug them all the time so was looking at people to talk to online.
In the end I feel like my problems mean nothing but it’s hard for people who do need help. So if you’re reading this and you are a poor lost soul then you can talk to me. I don’t know who reads this but I want this to be a safe space. I don’t care if you think your problems aren’t big but if it’s enough to upset you then please drop your email and I’ll reply.

I Don’t Feel A Lot Of Emotion

As the title suggests: I am not one to feel a lot of emotion. I think that my range of emotion is mild; a spectrum spanning from discomfort to happiness. I am unsure on how to estimate the level of happiness I genuinely feel because when I experience it I’m quite sure it’s real but when I look back on it im unsure if it was happiness. I begin to get confused as to whether or not I’ve ever actually been happy. I start to define happiness and know that I can’t. In my mind I start to think that if I can’t put a level on it how can I determine how true it is. I don’t know if it’s a character in a sad play or a smile to keep the others around me content.

I guess the reason I do this is because a love them. This is another emotion, I guess, but the love I’ve always experienced is that of fondness. A love for a friend or that of a parent.
When my range of emotions start to play up, I am completely helpless in trying to identify them. It causes me to overthink. Create feelings that were never there. It makes me deluded. It makes me uncomfortable. I am forced to go back to only thinking.

I don’t know if I am able to truly love someone in a romantic way. Sometimes I wish I had someone but I couldn’t give them what they want. I like having friends but often I get confused.

I’ll put it into perspective, simply to show how he was being platonic. I want to emphasise that I like boundaries. I like my own space. But don’t mind an occasional hug from a friend.

The situation: I had cut my hand and he wanted to make sure it was okay but I simply pulled my hand away quite abruptly and chuckled “my hand is a little dry but I’m fine.” I think he thought it was odd but people think of me as odd anyway. Someone I didn’t think I liked, the first time he tried to touch me I had the most awkward reaction.
But why when he said goodbye, and I didn’t want a hug, why was I nervous and why was I sad.
Why am I so sure I don’t like him but feel unsure?

Nothing will happen and our goodbye shall remain as that. This is the end.

My 10% of emotions I feel still lingering so I’ll continue to not have emotions until they’re truly not there.

Exams Are Too Close And I’m Too Unprepared

It’s that dreaded time in the summer for all of students. For those who have completed their studies and no longer have this stress then congratulations, just know we are still struggling and we hate that you’re enjoying your summer.

So exams are right round the corner, it has probably already started for some people. First of all, good luck. Second of all, its not a big deal.
Not quite what you were expecting right?

Okay, so we as a generation have such an unhealthy attitude towards exams. As if it’s no surprise, as we are told from a young age that you must go to school and you must get good grades and then after that you’re happy. Your life and subsequent happiness hinge on the grades you get. This small insignificant number defines you. Well, big news flash: it doesn’t.
Those doing GCSEs (ages 14-16), kids I can’t remember my results. Minimum C grades for most jobs and unis.
Next, the dreaded A levels (ages 16-18), I got below all my predicted grades. As well as that when I applied for universities, I did it completely aimlessly. I didn’t even think about my what I wanted to do as a course and applied for pharmacy.. PHARMACY! It’s a good job but not for me. So I got into my insurance (one university choice) and rejected it. I then went through clearing and so glad I did.

Even now when I speak to my parents telling them of how much I’m going to fail, they just ask me why I’m freaking out. My parents want me to succeed and do well. Yet they say it’s not the end of the world if you don’t get the grades you want. When I told them I would have wasted two years of my life, my dad just responded, “people waste a lot more time.” I don’t know why but that was strangely comforting.

We get so stressed by these numbers and letters that it blurs us from the bigger picture. We procrastinate because we have given up and then in the final push we cram (which is never effective).
The reason we all say we do this: to get a job, make money and be happy. To get a job you apply to placements, someone I know even researched this; the people with good grades often struggle to find jobs because they were too focused on grades rather than experience.
After that you make money. However you want, I encourage you to do it legally (but then again everything is legal if you don’t get caught).
Finally the happiness thing, maybe you will feel good when you get the paper that says you did well. Maybe it will satisfy you. But after a few years would you still recite your grades for a sense of happiness? No. You do this on your own accord. You make your happiness with your friends and adventures. You make the happiness you wish to exist in you.

Maybe I’m Always Sad I Just Don’t Know It

Do you know those moods where you just wanna cry for no apparent reason? The day is just like any other day, exactly the same but you just wanna be sad. You don’t want to move for hours and just wallow in sadness.
But life doesn’t stop for your sadness, you just get on with the day. A forever distraction.
Maybe you feel like this all the time but the world just keeps you busy enough to forget that you’re always sad.
It’s kind of sad that I can’t even be sad.

I Can’t Deal With Unwanted Attention

My blog is by no means a relationship feed or filled with articles about boys. I am no Carrie Bradshaw and have no intention to be.
I think I have made it clear on this site that I am destined to be spinster. Especially seeing as I am terrified of commitment and much rather spend time with my friends discussing cats or fictional characters.
I make my need for a relationship clear in real life. With men and women alike, saying that I don’t see myself in a relationship and can’t stand the effort of other people beyond friendship.
But why oh why do guys think that I am not being serious. Why do they think my insults is flirting? Why must they put me on an awkward situation?

I appreciate men who friendzone me and I friendzone them, being friends and understand the boundaries. But some boys think that if I refer to them as a buddy and thinl that they should flirt anyway. My body is not capable of flirting, my childish face, bad hair and chubby stomach screams unattractive. I’m not trying to not look good but it happens.

The experience that spurred this one was that one “friend” who I haven’t seen in a few months, started to be more awkward than usual. In the past I have spoken about girls that he may like and my views on relationships so it’s pretty clear that I don’t want any unnecessary attention. In general I tend to have awkward reactions to very explicit conversations. Today in particular he singled me out of my friends and sat a little to close to comfort. Asked me about things that I haven’t told him, so clearly seen via snap chat months ago. He chose to spend time sitting with me than with his own friends until I told him that he should go. But not before hearing my friend mention something about my bra size under her breath. To which he continued to pester me about which size I really was. I told him very clear that I wasn’t gonna tell him but he made remarks that he wasn’t gonna quit. He then returned and mentioned about it again. My friends just made jokes that they were right that he wasn’t a friend and just an awkward fuckboy.

I haven’t noticed before but I’ve been told many times that he’s checked me out head to toe when my back is turned. Also the fact that he only greets my group of friends when I’m around. Which he makes an effort to sit next to me even asking me to move my belongings and make space for him. The worst thing is when he tries to touch my feet cos I put my legs on the table (with shoes obviously. But it’s still weird.)

People would probably just say if you were attracted to him it would be different. And to that I would say maybe. I haven’t been attracted to a real person I’ve met since I was 13 and I only fall for people with a personality to match mine and I need to know someone very very well before I get those romantic feelings. And I hate that he thinks he knows me well. The reason I’m not attracted to him is because of him. His face is decent and I can see if people are attracted to him but thinking about his face makes me feel sick.

I wanna be nice but don’t wanna give out the wrong impression. I’m done with the inappropriate comments, kissy faces and the touching.

The main reason I wrote this is because I feel weird but at the same time feel like I’m over exaggerating.
Why do guys flirt with friends? Or am I just being too sensitive?

Endings

“Ends are not bad things, they just mean that something else is about to begin. And there are many things that don’t really end, anyway, they just begin again in a new way. Ends are not bad and many ends aren’t really an ending; some things are never-ending.”
― C. JoyBell C.

In my previous blog I wrote about beginnings, I felt that it was fitting to also talk about endings . Endings are never great even if it may be better, people don’t want it because we simply don’t like change.
Coming to terms with endings are never easy too. It’s like saying goodbye to part of your life, to a part of yourself. People can say that they’ll be perfectly content with memories but we can’t live on memories we need to be reminded of it. We need to see these people we have these great memories with.
You walk into a whole new life and the people you love will drift too, but from this it’s about new experiences and meeting new people.

Endings are closure, from the good or the bad. From endings come goodbyes and we forget about the memories and just wonder, what happened? Why can’t things be like this again? From these questions come regrets in which we have to live with. I think the best thing you can do is face up to the problems instead of having to live with them all your life.

I think this builds character and makes you a better person, it shows how you deal with a situations and cliché as it is, how you adapt because in your life you would have experienced this. You need to leave your old experiences and memories in order to create new ones.

Thank you for reading.