An Overdramatic Teen Contemplating Life

A while back I wrote a post called is it really worth it? You can read it here. Anyway this is a sort of follow up to it.
I questioned school and just everything life leads up to and concluded that it really was worth it. I felt like I was so sure that everything would work it and it will be okay. However in light of recent events I have begun asking the same question but this time I don’t think I’ll have the same conclusion.

I’ve at that stage where I am applying for universities and now am anxiously awaiting their replies. First off all, I’m 17 how ridiculous is it that I have to decide what I want to do now. Also I’ve applied for something that I find reasonable. There’s no passion for me in it, I’m just doing it for the sake of doing it.

So is that what life will be for me just getting by. Doing a normal job with normal people and I count the time until the end of the day. well I’m already living like that.

I wanted to do something amazing. I didn’t want to do something average. But what’s so great about me that I need to be so different? Why should I live any different from those billions of people in the world working round the clock. Just passing by. Waiting for inevitable death (okay, that was a bit dramatic).

It’s just I’ve always thought I would make a difference or help people. But I’ve not done anything, I don’t even think that I’ve ever brightened anyone’s day up. All those things I’ve wanted to do when I was little and you realise that you can’t do any of that stuff.

I mean, Ive been in school since I was three and then I you hope to get to a good secondary school. From then you work hard to get to a good university and then you study for university just to get to this point. You work hard, work harder just to be unhappy at the end of it. And that’s it.
That’s just it, no one will remember you. (Yes, I believe in the afterlife but let’s not get into that).

In this world you are just another that just lived and walked the same steps as any other person.

If you’re looking for some conclusion or answer I’m afraid I can’t give you that because I don’t even have one myself. All I can say right now that I’m absolutely sure of is that i could be happier. Im not sad. I’m not depressed but I’m just feeling hopeless. Which, at the end of the day, is pretty much the same thing.

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Today

So today was a fucking fun day. I got the lowest grade I have ever gotten in English. And guess what it counts for almost quarter of my grade.

Have you ever had a moment even your life when you realise everything your thought was something else. That’s what happened today. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, I want to write and write but apparently I can’t even do that right.

Your probably thinking that’s its dumb to get so upset about this but for me it isn’t. This was the moment that I saw that the one thing I thought I could do, I couldn’t.
Everyone has one thing going for them well not me.

What’s annoying is that people say “oh my god I tried so hard”, and they are upset when they get a higher grade and they know they are talking shit- because they didn’t try. My teacher even went around to everyone and explained to them why they did wrong- you know what I got? A fucking paragraph I couldn’t even bring myself to read.

It’s ironic, isn’t it? I’m talking about how crap I am at writing but I’m expressing it through writing. Well, my words are even failing me now.

Life Goes On

“He who opens a school door, closes a prison.”
— Victor Hugo

I’ve have kind of been experiencing writers block lately so I really don’t know what to write about. I decided I’ll just talk about school.
It comes across like I really hate school- I do hate it but sometimes there are them moments that really do make it worth it. The memories. The experiences.

Ugh, gosh back to school. Half terms over and so I’m back to that hellhole. I hate school, everyone’s too fake or trying so hard to be fake, they don’t realise what terrible people they are. Everyone else is either too judgmental or sucking up to the so-called “populars” to care.
To me it just feels like you and everyone else. Even when you finally let someone in and they do something that makes you wish you didn’t. People will always let you down. People are perfect but no one is- as long as they put up with your flaws, you should put up with theirs. I think friendship is loving them despite this.

Whenever you say to someone you can’t wait to get out of school they say that you will miss it and it really is the best time of your life. Alright, face it times have changed and I’m not you. Sure, you will miss your friends, but memories have been made and now it’s gone. The people who really meant anything are still with you and will be.
What else is there to miss, the cliques? The constant pressure? The people telling you that you’re not good enough?

For some people this is truly the best time of your life, which is truly depressing. So get your bags ready and relish in the future disappointment.
How sad do you have to be to think that the best times of your life is one moment. The best times are never truly over. You go to school to get a better life, it isn’t your life. It defines you but in no way does it become you.
After school feel free to look back at these times but never wish to go back. There is always ways to make new memories and live a life.

This is a cynical view but its my view. Maybe one day it won’t but for now it is.

Thanks for reading.

Is it really worth it?

“Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird,
That cannot fly.”
― Langston Hughes

All my life I’ve been told to do stuff, been fed information. Everything right now seems quite futile. Do homework, go school, eat, sleep and wake up to do the exact same thing. It’s like I’m getting bossed around an told off by teachers, telling me to do stuff and I think don’t worry this will change in uni. In uni I would get more independent but there will still be something controlling me; deadlines, exams, stress. Then you go off to work just to get bossed around again. When I think about it like this I think what’s the point, is it really worth it?

I’m not going to be those moody teens who complain that nobody loves me and my life sucks.
What I’m trying to say is in between all this it’s so easy to give up but in the end it will be worth it. The pain is temporary but if we quit then that will last forever.
In school you make these amazing memories with friends and nothing else will matter, not even those few demeaning teachers (and trust me it will only be a few the rest will be good, and you will like them and if not that you would easily put up with them).
In uni you do get your independence and it depends on you, if you keep on top of things and manage it you would have a few good years.
In adulthood you get to start everything, start your life, get married- whatever and if you never made your dreams a reality, it’s never too late or it doesn’t matter anymore because there are new ones.

Also in between everything that happens you have to remember that there are people who are supporting you. I know I would always have my family backing me. For some people they may not have that but there is always someone that believes in you whether it be your friends, spouse or even a stranger.