A Rare Display of Some Much Needed Positivity

I’m trying to dash a little positivity and self love on my blog (and life) instead of it being littered with cynicism and self deprication, which has been on it for years. So for the usual self pitying posts and sad thoughts read anything else on my blog except this one post. I will still be as cynical as ever but I can put it on hold for one post.

In theory, 2018 should be a hard year for me. Someone like me who is a little bit of a loose cannon emotionally, this should have been a toughie. It was like starting from zero. I graduated in 2017 and had failed to secure a job in the new year and continued a job where people severely annoy me (not the workers, they alright but never underestimate the stupidity of the general public).
I work part time with so much time in between, whilst all my friends are either working full time or are still studying. While I have all this free time by myself, I should feel alone or I should feel empty. Especially when all my life I have been busy Monday to Saturday. It was easy to feel sad.

But for once I haven’t. Where I could feel sad and procrastinate and ignore my choices in life. This was truly the time for self reflection to which I still procrastinated. But guilt-free procrastination with no consequences, I didn’t know such a life existed.

Not too many people get to know themselves, understand what they want; instead life is thrust toward them without a breather. I still don’t know what I want but I’m closer.

I had no need to procrastinate so my creativity depleted in a very negative way. I learnt I do my best work when I really should not. But when in my life will I ever get this opportunity to do whatever I want? Wake up, write, do whatever, whenever. This was it. It was a new start.

I did apply for a lot of jobs with no outcome, just plenty of rejections. I have to admit I didn’t write or draw as much as I want because I was simply so uninspired but I didn’t just stay in bed and watch shows I don’t really care about.

Finally after many months of wihtholding exercise, it was time. Self improvement had to begin so self loathing could stop. No more self deprication, well only for humour purposes. Purely because I had so much time I didnt know what to do with, I started to exercise whenever I could, forcing myself to do it even when I didn’t want to. Eventually it became part of my schedule. And months on, I have never felt better. I have never been completely happy with my body, my stomach never be flat enough, my arms too much area of the bat wings, not having a singular chin. I lost a few kilos (not nearly as much as I wanted to) and felt good. The weight stopped being a problem, I didn’t have the need to contantly weigh myself because I was feeling good. I fit better in clothes, I fit into clothes which I couldn’t squeeze into for years. I couldn’t see too much of the impact but literally everyone else could. Regardless, I was getting more comfortable with my body even if I couldn’t see the results like everyone else. Then it happened, I was exercising one day. and I felt- MUSCLES. Like muscles I’ve never had before. It didnt matter that the weight was coming back because I liked how my body was turning out. Like I am a long way from my ideal and even though I am exercising, my diet needs to follow.

I was doing a good job keeping myself happy and healthy. I wasn’t feeling down or depressed. I genuinely felt good. It was like those years I spent feeling like shit were so distant. When, in reality, they really weren’t. The feeling of sadness seemed so strange to me, like even if I wasn’t happy, being sad was always automatically followed but now it was contentment and just living. With that mindset things felt like they were falling into place. I was getting somewhere on the job front too. I was getting some interviews and assessment centres and then eventually I got a job offer. An actual good job in engineering.

(Also why is it when I got a job more offers were coming through. Too little too late bud.)

That is pretty much my life right now. It hasn’t been too crazy or eventful. But its been good. I needed it.

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October Writing Challenge: Day 1

Hello, I never actually finish a challenge like this but fuck it, I am experiencing writer’s block and am going to give it another go. I’m following the template above (which I’m a year late for), so kick off October with me and try this out.

It says interesting but I don’t live a particularly exciting life, therefore anyone reading: you have to deal with vaguely interesting and borderline mundane.

1. I just graduated from university, where I studied mechanical engineering.

2. I take deep pride in my binge watching abilities (even though it’s nothing to be proud of- such as watching 11 seasons of supernatural faster than the summer holidays).

3. Even though I love music now, I had a phase where I didn’t listen to music for about 4 years. I later heard some rock music which has since changed my whole attitude for music.

4. I’ve only ever been to one concert because one of my parents detests concerts/clubs and anything of the like.

5. I make bad puns. Honestly I am surprised people even hang with me.

6. I have a hard time picking a favourite anything. For example, I can never pick a favourite colour but say black as a default.

7. In terms of movies I have two favourites Forrest Gump and the Princess Bride. (Fun fact: Robin Wright is in both movies.)

8. I watched a lot of anime and read manga, which I now prefer to comics. It also inspires me to draw. 

9. Even though I’m not scared of spiders or snakes or rollercoasters, I am extremely scared of horror movies. 

10. I want to write a book. I’m unsure of the specifics of it but I really want to write and complete a whole book.

11. I hate ketchup. 

12. I’m quite short- about 5ft1-5ft2 

13.  I’m extremely lazy and have almost zero drive. 

14. I’ve never been in a relationship.

15. I have a black cat who loves to scratch me, then suddenly starts to purr and beg for attention. 

Two Thousand and Fifteen

This year I decided to abandon new years resolutions because, let’s be honest, who really abides by them for more than a week. In the past years I have made the same resolutions, if you are at all curious then you can read them here.

Even though I refuse to make resolutions this year there are things I think everyone should do, which I thought of during the past year.

1. Make a bucket list. Cross off at least one thing.

2. Barely pass engineering.

3. A big cliché but be happy. If you look back on the year and aren’t happy with it then it’s your own fault so be happy. Being positive can make such an impact. So ditch the negative atmosphere and be happy, it really can be that simple.

4. This sounds self centred but put myself first. I’m not a people pleaser or anything but I wouldn’t do things i wanted to do purely because I would be too scared or didn’t have enough self confidence.

I did nothing in the last year becuase i thought i had time but I spent most of my year procrastinating. As you can tell not a lot has changed as it’s almost the end of January as I post this.

Time really does go fast and it’s just so strange to think how fast the year actually went. Despite the fact that it went so fast, time didn’t stop it moved fast that you don’t even realise until after reflection. From last year so much has changed. I’ve started university. Made whole new groups of friends. Lost some friends which seemed impossible at the beginning of 2014. I’ve grown (not in height unfortunately). I think I’ve become more confident and less awkward.

I don’t want to talk about our own mortality but you really start to question it as time goes by. You could be gone at any moment so we should choose today to be happy and stay happy. Also the fact that I’ve recently turned 19 and wondered what I’ve done with my life. If I really was gone today then what would I leave behind. A few quid from a job I hate but too lazy to find a new one. Unfinished coursework. Journals and diaries which I’d never allow anyone read. My memories, my mind, everything I have done life dies with me. It is not immortalised by no means. I have no words or achievements great enough to be immortal through history or even stories. So I want to live long enough to change that. This is not a new years resolution it is a lifelong goal.

Have an even better year than the last.

Ordinary people

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
― Maya Angelou

I don’t believe that there are ordinary people because everyone can achieve greatness. I don’t believe in normal because no one is the same. If you truly believe someone is ordinary then you just don’t know them well enough. People may see me as ordinary, because I’m not pretty or popular- I’m just me. I’m quiet but trust me when you get to know me I’m so much weirder than you could imagine.

I don’t believe ordinary exists but extraordinary does. You may not see extraordinary everyday but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, because its there- it is silent and beautiful. The people you see everyday could have the most extraordinary personality, the biggest problems and most amazing dreams and memories to go. Problems is what makes extraordinary come true, if there were no problems then they would have nothing to arise from, nothing to learn from or to live from.

I know strong people, they have endured so much in life but still can wake up everyday and can still have a great day. These people are those who inspire me not those who turn up in the magazines or are considered heroes by the smallest most irrelevant things. People go through so much hardship, battle so much but leave all the crap and are still great. This is what I aspire to and these are the traits I would like when I’m older; strength, courage, dignity.
For those who did endure such pain probably didn’t get everything they wanted or asked for. The people who were there with you may not have been the right people- not the ones who you imagined. But are these really the wrong people?
My answer is no. People won’t always be with you but whoever wasn’t there with you didn’t deserve to be and those who were they are the right people. They are the ones who stayed when things got bad and stayed despite the flaws, these are the people that should be held onto. And in there own way they are extraordinary.

Thank you for reading 🙂

Endings

“Ends are not bad things, they just mean that something else is about to begin. And there are many things that don’t really end, anyway, they just begin again in a new way. Ends are not bad and many ends aren’t really an ending; some things are never-ending.”
― C. JoyBell C.

In my previous blog I wrote about beginnings, I felt that it was fitting to also talk about endings . Endings are never great even if it may be better, people don’t want it because we simply don’t like change.
Coming to terms with endings are never easy too. It’s like saying goodbye to part of your life, to a part of yourself. People can say that they’ll be perfectly content with memories but we can’t live on memories we need to be reminded of it. We need to see these people we have these great memories with.
You walk into a whole new life and the people you love will drift too, but from this it’s about new experiences and meeting new people.

Endings are closure, from the good or the bad. From endings come goodbyes and we forget about the memories and just wonder, what happened? Why can’t things be like this again? From these questions come regrets in which we have to live with. I think the best thing you can do is face up to the problems instead of having to live with them all your life.

I think this builds character and makes you a better person, it shows how you deal with a situations and cliché as it is, how you adapt because in your life you would have experienced this. You need to leave your old experiences and memories in order to create new ones.

Thank you for reading.